~The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl"~ Shirley Chisholm
The disease to please is as powerful as other diseases like addiction. Most of the women I know suffer from this disease. I used to invite everyone into my life no matter how harmful the relationship. Now in order to support my recovery, I need to shut some people out that do not have my best interest at heart. It has hurt their feelings as well as mine and learning to say no has been a very difficult emotional adjustment in my life. I still feel like a bad person sometimes saying no, however, I need to take care of myself because I want to be there for all the healthy relationships in my life. After staying in bed the last few days in between doctor and treatment center appointments, I'm beginning to move again amongst the other normal people. Another bout with depression most likely masked some of the anger and resentments that I've been feeling toward my family. Of course, the day that I'm feeling especially pissed off is is the day that 3 other drivers aren't paying attention to the road and almost run me over. I had some choice words.
I was feeling too depressed this morning to see my chiro, so I rescheduled for tomorrow. I was also humorously feeling too depressed to see my therapist. Logically, this is the time that most people would feel the need to go, but I still had on a little smiley mask for my therapist and didn't want her seeing me this way. I'm still covering up a lot of anger about my family and I've made a lot of excuses for them about the past, but no more. Thankfully, the treatment center wouldn't allow me to reschedule, so I annoyingly got into my car. My therapist said that she liked the pissed off version of me and told me that this was the most authentic and real that she has ever seen me. Afterwards, I felt it was a breakthrough moment and will improve future therapy sessions as I don't want to be stuck in my childhood anymore. Hopefully, being more real and authentic will help me heal and become the person I'm meant to be. I was happy that my therapist saw me at my "worst" and said that she still liked me. I always have a fear that if I show that side of me with "negative" feelings that people will become abusive, not like me or leave me like my parents.
I was taught along with other little girls to not feel hate, anger, rage or any of those other "bad" feelings. I wasn't supposed to challenge authority or I was hit, slapped, shoved or ignored. I was taught that it was shameful and unladylike to feel sexual or any of the aforementioned "negative" feelings. Ladies would never think of yelling, screaming or hitting in my family. Ladies were submissive to men and did everything for them like my mother. She was supermom. She did everything while my dad worked. She never complained, but she rarely seemed happy at home or at least, around me. Often times, she seemed bothered or annoyed and seemed to take her anger and criticisms out on me. She was cruel and sucked the joy out of my childhood. I'm beginning to understand that her and my dad have issues. I never wanted to admit that before as I've been very protective of them in the past by not telling on them. I wanted to be a loyal child who honored and loved her parents even though I never received that same respect as a child. I put them on a pedestal that they never deserved to be on because they were my parents and my co-dependent self felt that they were a reflection of me. Now that I have nieces and nephews, I realize that I would have to be a very troubled person to treat them the way that my parents treated me growing up.
Finally, I'll end by commenting on the post by an anonymous HR person who left a comment saying they wouldn't hire me. Your first assumption is that I would want to work for your company because I would not. Also, I know a lot of administrative assistants from various companies and most of their bosses are as f-d up as I am, so I don't care if your boss wouldn't hire me. I'm no longer living my life to please others including companies because in the end, no one eulogizes about someone's job or title. They talk about how the person positively influenced, supported and helped others along the way. Good luck hiring someone else. I never wanted the job. Thanks for reading!
The disease to please is as powerful as other diseases like addiction. Most of the women I know suffer from this disease. I used to invite everyone into my life no matter how harmful the relationship. Now in order to support my recovery, I need to shut some people out that do not have my best interest at heart. It has hurt their feelings as well as mine and learning to say no has been a very difficult emotional adjustment in my life. I still feel like a bad person sometimes saying no, however, I need to take care of myself because I want to be there for all the healthy relationships in my life. After staying in bed the last few days in between doctor and treatment center appointments, I'm beginning to move again amongst the other normal people. Another bout with depression most likely masked some of the anger and resentments that I've been feeling toward my family. Of course, the day that I'm feeling especially pissed off is is the day that 3 other drivers aren't paying attention to the road and almost run me over. I had some choice words.
I was feeling too depressed this morning to see my chiro, so I rescheduled for tomorrow. I was also humorously feeling too depressed to see my therapist. Logically, this is the time that most people would feel the need to go, but I still had on a little smiley mask for my therapist and didn't want her seeing me this way. I'm still covering up a lot of anger about my family and I've made a lot of excuses for them about the past, but no more. Thankfully, the treatment center wouldn't allow me to reschedule, so I annoyingly got into my car. My therapist said that she liked the pissed off version of me and told me that this was the most authentic and real that she has ever seen me. Afterwards, I felt it was a breakthrough moment and will improve future therapy sessions as I don't want to be stuck in my childhood anymore. Hopefully, being more real and authentic will help me heal and become the person I'm meant to be. I was happy that my therapist saw me at my "worst" and said that she still liked me. I always have a fear that if I show that side of me with "negative" feelings that people will become abusive, not like me or leave me like my parents.
I was taught along with other little girls to not feel hate, anger, rage or any of those other "bad" feelings. I wasn't supposed to challenge authority or I was hit, slapped, shoved or ignored. I was taught that it was shameful and unladylike to feel sexual or any of the aforementioned "negative" feelings. Ladies would never think of yelling, screaming or hitting in my family. Ladies were submissive to men and did everything for them like my mother. She was supermom. She did everything while my dad worked. She never complained, but she rarely seemed happy at home or at least, around me. Often times, she seemed bothered or annoyed and seemed to take her anger and criticisms out on me. She was cruel and sucked the joy out of my childhood. I'm beginning to understand that her and my dad have issues. I never wanted to admit that before as I've been very protective of them in the past by not telling on them. I wanted to be a loyal child who honored and loved her parents even though I never received that same respect as a child. I put them on a pedestal that they never deserved to be on because they were my parents and my co-dependent self felt that they were a reflection of me. Now that I have nieces and nephews, I realize that I would have to be a very troubled person to treat them the way that my parents treated me growing up.
Finally, I'll end by commenting on the post by an anonymous HR person who left a comment saying they wouldn't hire me. Your first assumption is that I would want to work for your company because I would not. Also, I know a lot of administrative assistants from various companies and most of their bosses are as f-d up as I am, so I don't care if your boss wouldn't hire me. I'm no longer living my life to please others including companies because in the end, no one eulogizes about someone's job or title. They talk about how the person positively influenced, supported and helped others along the way. Good luck hiring someone else. I never wanted the job. Thanks for reading!
1 comment:
Your last paragraph made me smile today! Thank you for that! :)
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