~To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness~ Benjamin Franklin
I tried out a new AA meeting a few blocks down from where I live in Minneapolis. It's in a beautiful mansion and there are several meeting rooms as well as a small cafe. As I walked in, mustiness and conversation permeated the air. I liked all the old furnishings and decor. I asked the elderly man at the front desk where my meeting room was and he pointed upstairs. I walked up the dark wood staircase and into the first room on the left. I noticed about 10 men were seated, so I asked if I was at the right meeting. Someone confirmed that it was a mixed meeting, so I sat down feeling a bit outnumbered. I grew up in a blue-collar household and these men looked blue-collar and down to earth, so in that regard, I felt comfortable. About 25 men and 3 women showed up. Most of the men were about my dad's age or older and the 3 women were about my age. This was the first meeting that I've been to where the majority of attendees were men.
The topic tonight was Step 6 which says "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." The man a few chairs down volunteered to speak first which meant that I'd be one of the first ones to speak if they headed my direction in the circle. I used to get really nervous speaking in front of groups and sometimes experienced panic attacks because I was so focused on my script and myself. I'd also have trouble listening to anyone else. However, in the last couple months, I've practiced active listening and not preparing a script in my mind. I have more confidence now that I'll be able to think and speak on my feet and I started to trust that God will help me with the right words if I get lost. It feels more authentic and sincere anyway if I don't have a speech prepared. I used to agonize over and analyze every word that I said or didn't say during conversations with people or presentations at work. It's freeing to let go of the perfectionism and accept that whatever was said or missed was meant to be.
The group decided to head in my direction, so I calmly talked about my co-dependency issues and how easy it was for me to pick out all the negative things about my ex-husband while neglecting and ignoring my own deficiencies. I admitted that once I left him, my addictions really took hold and I started using alcohol, Xanax and pain meds until I couldn't deny that I had a problem anymore. I added that I was pretty self-destructive in the last few years, but finally surrendered to God and am working with Him to correct all my numerous character defects. Then, I passed to the next person. It's nice not to be so self-conscious anymore.
One of the qualities that I gained as a result of coming out as an alcoholic and drug addict is humbleness. As the meeting went on, I felt perfectly in place because I was just like them and shared similar struggles. I admired their humility and willingness to share their painful stories. I didn't really notice their gender or race any longer as I just listened to their voice and each word they said. I'm grateful to have humility in my life now because it motivates me to grow and improve. I no longer waste energy judging other people's imperfections as I solely need to concentrate on my own.
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