Day 59: Ms Fix It (1.12.11)

~However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside~ Deepak Chopra

**Names have been changed**

One way that I denied my own problems all these years was to marry someone that I subconsciously thought was worse off than me.  In retrospect, my future ex-husband, whom I'll refer to as Richard, was a mirror reflecting everything that I hated about myself.  He was admittedly selfish, insecure, judgmental, narrow-minded, etc.  However, I was Ms Fix It who arrogantly thought I could swoop in and be the hero by making Richard the man of my dreams and in exchange, he needed to fulfill me and give me happily every after.  Of course, these are impossible expectations for anyone and led to a marriage made in hell. 

I knew we shouldn't date, but I couldn't be alone.  I knew we shouldn't get engaged, but I had my own timetable.  I knew we shouldn't get married, but I didn't have the balls to runaway.  Richard used to provoke me by saying that him and his friends thought that I was co-dependent.  I didn't really know what that meant at the time, but how he said it annoyed and offended me.  Well, I learned more about co-dependency during treatment and him and his friends were actually right.  I have been a co-dependent person most of my life with family, friends and relationships with men.  After that realization, I felt better about my decision to finally break free from a terribly abusive and addictive 9-year relationship with Richard.  

I was introduced to Cinderella when I was about 5 years old.  I still love her, but she's got some co-dependency issues if she expects Prince Charming to save all aspects of her life.  Upon discovering that Prince Charming is only human, Cinderella probably developed a shopping addiction like me and purchased hundreds of glass slippers in all different colors, thousands of ball gowns and redecorated their castle a million different ways to try and fill the void in her heart.  If I had grown up in a healthy environment, I might have learned how to find happiness from within my soul, but since my spirit was broken, one of the consequences included developing unhealthy relationships with men.  I never set boundaries and allowed guys to take advantage of me and in return, I received the artificial feelings of love, protection and affection that I craved.  I still fight the urge to find a guy to take care of me especially now since most of my family has disowned me.  However, I'm working hard at making myself whole and as a result, I'm experiencing a new found excitement for my future and the adventures that will follow. 

According to Celebrate Recovery, which is a Chirst-Centered support group for people struggling with pain, shame and addictions, co-dependency is:

• My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
• Your struggle affects my serenity.  My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
• My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
• My own hobbies and interests are put aside.  My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
• Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• I am not aware of how I feel.  I am aware of how you feel.
• I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.  I am not aware - I assume.
• The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
• My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
• My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
• I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
• I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
• I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
• The quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.

Celebrate Recovery goes on to talk about co-dependency and Christian living.  They say that on the surface, co-dependency messages sound like Christian teaching:

• "Co-dependents always put others first before taking care of themselves." (Aren't Christians to put others first?)
• "Co-dependents give themselves away." (Shouldn't Christians do the same?)
• "Co-dependents martyr themselves." (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

Some women wear co-dependency as a badge of honor.  However, we need to distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith which is healthy.  Codependency says:

• I have little or no value.
• Other persons and situations have all the value.
• I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
• I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.
• I must give myself away.
• If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.

I know a lot of women who give to everyone else and neglect themselves.  I think it's difficult to find happiness and fulfillment internally when you lose touch with your soul.  I believe that I cannot fully take care of someone else until I do the work first and address all of my own problems.  A big motivator for me to get well is to be able to help other people with similar issues in the future.  Celebrate Recovery talks about how Jesus taught the value of the individual.  He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than.  A love of self forms the basis for loving others.  The differences between a life of service and codependency takes several forms.  For example, the motivation differs.  Does the individual give his service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value?  Does he seek to "please people?"  Does he act out of guilt or fear?  Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals).

• Service is to be an active choice.  The person acts; codependents react.
• Codependent behavior is addictive rather than balanced.  Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.

Sometimes enabling feels like love, but in actuality, you're preventing the person from growing and improving themselves.  A person seeks change when the consequences outweigh the comforts of their addiction.  Richard remains in a state of denial regarding his addictions to alcohol and gambling because throughout his life, people have enabled him including myself.  Celebrate Recovery defines enabling as reacting to a person in such a way to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior.  Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.  Enabling is:

• Protection from natural consequences of behavior.
• Keeping secrets about behavior from others in order to keep peace.
• Making excuses for the behavior.  (School, friends, legal authorities, work, other family members)
• Bailing out of trouble.  (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs)
• Blaming others for dependent person's behavior.  (Friends, teachers, employers, family, self)
• Seeing the problem as the result of something else.  (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home)
• Avoiding the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace.  (Out-of-sight, out-of-mind)
• Giving money that is undeserved/Unearned.
• Attempting to control.  (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs)
• Making threats that have no follow-through or consistency.
• Taking care of the chemically dependent person.  Doing what he/she should be expected to do for themselves)

There are many similarities in chemical dependence and co-dependence symptoms.   I was addicted to Richard as he was addicted to alcohol and gambling during our marriage.  I began to end my co-dependency with Richard when I moved out of the house a couple years ago.  I no longer had someone to care for, fix and mother which left me having to face all of my own demons.  I learned that this is quite common for co-dependents to become addicted once their relationship ends.  From River Ridge Treatment Center, here is a list of chemical dependence and co-dependence symptoms.  Some of the chemical dependence symptoms could apply to other addictions as well.

Stage 1 Chemical Dependence Symptoms

• Increased tolerance for chemical
• Blackouts and/or repression of memory
• Preoccupied with using
• Avoids references to using
• Loses control
• Drug of choice becomes the center of his or her life
• Refuses to look at using as a problem (denial)
• Rationalizes or provides alibis for using
• Feels remorseful or guilty
• Tries controlled use    

Stage 1 Co-Dependence Symptoms

• Increased tolerance for user's behavior.
• Confusion, withdrawal, lack of attention, memory blanks
• Preoccupation or obsession with user's behavior
• Avoids references to using behavior or their feelings about it
• Loses control over self, spirituality, sense of self
• Tries to control the user and/or his or her access to their drug of choice
• Chemically dependent person becomes the center of the co-dependent's life
• Denies that using is a problem
• Thinks that they or others or  situations are the problem (anyone or anything but the chemically dependent person and their use)
• Rationalizes and provides alibis for chemically dependent person or takes over his or her life
• Feels guilty
• Feels sorry for the chemically dependent person
• Feels anger or disappointment
• Hangs on to false hope that the chemically dependent person will somehow change

 Stage 2 Chemical Dependent Symptoms

• Changes pattern of using
• Seeks help
• Is resentful and angry because others disapprove of use
• Displays grandiose or aggressive behavior
• Loses respect for self
• Loses interest in life, family, and/or work
• Is unable to demonstrate warmth
• Avoids family and friends
• Loses ordinary willpower
• Displays poor judgment

Stage 2 Co-Dependent Symptoms

• Changes pattern of thinking, acting and felling
• Tries many things to make the user behave
• Joins the user in his or her behavior
• Seeks help (at this stage, usually if the user is the co-dependent's child)
• Holds on to false hope
• Resentful because feelings depend on others
• If the user isn't happy, the co-dependent isn't happy
• Experiences euphoria or guilt, depending upon user's behavior
• Feels responsible for user's attitude
• Loses respect for both the user and him or herself
• Feels a shift in the relationship with the user
• Quarrels with the user
• Loses concentration
• Adopts an anti-drug attitude
• Revels in martyrdom
• Avoids friends
• Loses ability to concentrate
• Lacks trust 
• Indecisive

Stage 3 Chemical Dependence Symptoms

• Physical deterioration
• Health problems
• Malnutrition
• Unreasonable jealousy
• Paranoia
• Decrease in tolerance to drug of choice
• Uses to feel "normal"
• Onset of lengthy periods of intoxication (benders)
• Uses with "inferiors"
• Deteriorates morally
• Is unable to initiate action
• Has indefinable fears and vague spiritual desires
• Exhausts all alibis
• Feels complete defeat
• Gets help for chemical dependency or gives up
• Insanity, death or recovery

Step 3 Co-Dependence Symptoms

• Physical and/or mental deterioration
• Increased or discontinued use
• Separation from user
• Intimate problems
• Withdrawal
• Fear of abusive behavior
• Decrease in tolerance to user's behavior
• Hopelessness
• Decrease in awareness of own feelings
• Defenses reinforced
• Acts punitively and/or vindictively
• Abuses self
• Feels self-pity, remorse, shame, defensiveness
• Dominates
• Gets help for user's physical problems
• Isolates
• Feels complete defeat
• Indulges in self-absorptive activities
• Gets help or gives up
• Insanity, death or recovery

You teach people how to treat you.  It's an important life lesson that I learned in treatment.  I was a co-dependent person who taught Richard and others how to take advantage of me.  All my energy and efforts were about him.  At the beginning of our relationship, I gave up all my time with friends to spend with Richard and his friends.  I mistakenly felt that he was loving and protecting me by being controlling and jealous.  I felt that I deserved to be mistreated and blamed myself when Richard was verbally and physically abusive.  In return, I could be in denial of my own addictions and problems while I focused all my attention on him.  The most loving thing I did for Richard and myself was to file for divorce.  We can let each other go in peace to find true love within ourselves and then share that love with others.