~The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going on~ George Carlin
Day 1 of being an orphan again. Kidding. No feeling sorry. I have peace because it was not out of malicious intent that I chose to talk to my parents about abuse as I deeply love my parents. I tried to do it in a healthy manner by having a therapist present and I would not have blogged about specific issues if they were willing to discuss them privately. Since they did not believe me, then I'll share my experiences with whoever will listen and that's my advice for anyone who's been a victim, but I know it's extremely difficult especially for children.
I forgive my parents because I know that they didn't have the greatest childhoods at times especially my father. My father said he experienced physical abuse at the hands of his father. His father left when my father was 10 years old, so then he became the "man" of the house because he was the oldest of 4 boys. He wasn't able to have a childhood either. He started working at 12 years old. His brother is in prison for I believe, exposing himself to children. I was getting ready for work one day years ago and I saw my Uncle on the news for child endangerment because he was a school bus driver.
I have great empathy for my father. My father was the only one out of his siblings who later in life restored his relationship with his father. I went with my family to visit him once in Illinois when I was a teenager. He was able to forgive his father and have a relationship and I am willing to to the same thing with my father. His father probably wouldn't admit to physically abusing his son, my father probably won't admit to sexually and physically abusing me and my Uncle probably believes that he was wrongly accused. As the saying goes, perception is reality and everyone's truth can be different. Of course, there is denial, but I can live with my decision to confront my parents because my intention and motivation was not to harm anyone, but try to keep everyone safe based on my feelings and experiences. I compared those truths to the knowledge and information that I received to either discount or validate abuse.
Here are the differences between a dysfunctional family and a nurturing family from River Ridge Treatment Center. This was helpful because growing up I thought my family was "normal" because that's all I knew, but all my feelings and experiences are listed under dysfunctional. I realized that I'm not crazy and that it was not a healthy, safe, supportive, positive or loving environment growing up. My parents did the best that they could with the knowledge and information that they had and now I can choose to do things better because I know better now. I have no excuse to continue on with the cycle of dysfunction and abuse.
Nurturing Families
Day 1 of being an orphan again. Kidding. No feeling sorry. I have peace because it was not out of malicious intent that I chose to talk to my parents about abuse as I deeply love my parents. I tried to do it in a healthy manner by having a therapist present and I would not have blogged about specific issues if they were willing to discuss them privately. Since they did not believe me, then I'll share my experiences with whoever will listen and that's my advice for anyone who's been a victim, but I know it's extremely difficult especially for children.
I forgive my parents because I know that they didn't have the greatest childhoods at times especially my father. My father said he experienced physical abuse at the hands of his father. His father left when my father was 10 years old, so then he became the "man" of the house because he was the oldest of 4 boys. He wasn't able to have a childhood either. He started working at 12 years old. His brother is in prison for I believe, exposing himself to children. I was getting ready for work one day years ago and I saw my Uncle on the news for child endangerment because he was a school bus driver.
I have great empathy for my father. My father was the only one out of his siblings who later in life restored his relationship with his father. I went with my family to visit him once in Illinois when I was a teenager. He was able to forgive his father and have a relationship and I am willing to to the same thing with my father. His father probably wouldn't admit to physically abusing his son, my father probably won't admit to sexually and physically abusing me and my Uncle probably believes that he was wrongly accused. As the saying goes, perception is reality and everyone's truth can be different. Of course, there is denial, but I can live with my decision to confront my parents because my intention and motivation was not to harm anyone, but try to keep everyone safe based on my feelings and experiences. I compared those truths to the knowledge and information that I received to either discount or validate abuse.
Here are the differences between a dysfunctional family and a nurturing family from River Ridge Treatment Center. This was helpful because growing up I thought my family was "normal" because that's all I knew, but all my feelings and experiences are listed under dysfunctional. I realized that I'm not crazy and that it was not a healthy, safe, supportive, positive or loving environment growing up. My parents did the best that they could with the knowledge and information that they had and now I can choose to do things better because I know better now. I have no excuse to continue on with the cycle of dysfunction and abuse.
Nurturing Families
- People feel free to talk about inside feelings
- All feelings are okay
- Persons are more important than performances
- All subjects are open to discussion
- Individual differences are accepted
- Each person is responsible for their own actions
- Respectful criticism and appropriate consequences for one's actions
- Few "should's"
- Clear and flexible rules
- Atmosphere is relaxed
- Joyous
- Faces and works through stress
- People have energy
- People feel loving
- Growth is celebrated
- People have self worth
- Strong parental coalition
- People compulsively protect inside feelings
- Only "certain feelings" are okay
- Performance is more important than the person
- Many taboo subjects, many secrets
- Everyone must conform to the strongest person's ideals and values
- Great deal of control and criticism
- Punishment and shaming
- Lots of "should's"
- Unclear, inconsistent and rigid rules
- Atmosphere is tense
- Anger and fear are present
- Avoid stress/increased stress
- People feel tired
- Hurt and disappointment
- Growth discouraged
- People have low self worth
- Coalitions across generations
2 comments:
You are and I'm not so sure if you haven't always been very insightful in your writings. I am hopeful that you are internalizing these insights and learning who Cindy really is and then actually deciding to do something about it.
Get a Sponsor/Guideand learn to trust someone...
Donni
My family was very dysfunctional growing up. I spend every day as a mother trying to provide a nurturing environment for my family today. Hang in there Cindy, you are an amazing woman and I know you pull through this and end up feeling better than you ever have.
Post a Comment