Day 77: Bad Christian (1.30.11)

~Prayer is simply a two-way conversation between you and God~ Billy Graham

Some people refer to themselves or others as Good Christians, but I'm uncomfortable with that terminology for myself.  It almost seems like an oxymoron to me.  I prefer to call myself a Bad Christian because I sin and fall short every day.  Over the years, I've broken all Ten Commandments either literally or figuratively with my heart and mind.  When I realized that my life was unmanageable and I was powerless over my addictions, I finally surrendered completely to God.  After years of denial, I realized that I had failed at directing my life as I had successfully produced pure chaos.  I deserved and expected to hear God say "I told ya so" after years of relentlessly trying to do things my way.  Like a perfect Father though, He shared only His love and compassion as I struggled with terrible withdrawals at that time.  In one of my lowest moments, He wrapped his arms around me and whispered "You are free."  His straightforward message was confirmation that I was no longer living in bondage.  It was truly an unexpected blessing to hear God's voice in that moment.    

After not buying the money motto for years, I'm beginning to trust God.  I used to only talk to Him when I needed something, but now I've started to ask God if there's something that I can do to serve Him.  I used to be afraid to ask that question because I really didn't want to know the answer.  I didn't want Him to make me change, do something that I didn't want to do or take away my things.  I'm over that now as I'm ready to do whatever He needs, but right now, I know He wants me to focus on getting well.  When I talked to Him this afternoon, I was grumbling about my minor aches and pains and my experiences this week with tough withdrawal symptoms from going off Paxil.  I had been taking that since inpatient treatment for my PTSD diagnosis.  At church this morning, the pastor talked about some of the miraculous healings that Jesus performed while on Earth, so I got greedy and asked for another miraculous healing.  God comforted me emotionally, but in regards to my physical pains today, he told me to endure and that this too shall pass.  I begrudgingly accepted.  I'm very grateful every day though for His miraculous healing of my addiction to drugs and alcohol as it truly had a grip on my life.  I wouldn't be here if God hadn't stepped in, so hopefully, He has a plan for this newly sober Bad Christian.

Day 76: Ouch (1.29.11)

~You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough~ Pearl Williams

**Names have been changed**

My colon hurts or more accurately, I'm experiencing abdominal crampage.  My left side hurts and the lower part of my tummy is puffy and bloated.  My rectum and anus are sensitive and surprisingly, my hamstrings are sore from being so tense during the procedure.  I also have disturbing memories of seeing my veiny colon and watching them suck up excess waste from my intestines.  Grrr, my favorite proctologist lied and said this wasn't going to be painful.  This morning, I thought I was ready to expel intestinal gas, but unfortunately, I was wrong and a pair of underwear became my first and only casualty.  I'm a big baby when it comes to intrusive medical procedures, so if I have to do this again in 5 years, it'll be too soon.  Hopefully, they'll come up with a virtual colonoscopy by then or one not involving a probe.

Last night at AA, we numbered off and broke up into smaller groups like we usually do for the last part of the meeting.  I ended up being in a group that included 3 cute boys who were either in their late teens or early 20's.  Oh, if I could only be 16 years younger.  Luckily, there was a lot of conversation noise around us, otherwise, they would've heard my tummy gurgling the whole time.  It reminded me of that scene from Dumb and Dumber except I tried not breaking the seal from the other end while I listened to the 3 cute boys tell their stories.  I'm getting to know more people at this particular AA meeting, so it's been fun and I learn a lot from their stories.  I also met with my cool sponsor for the first time at Caribou to talk about working through the 12 steps.  She's probably in her late 40's and is sassy, strong and smart.  She'll be great as I need someone who's stronger than me who will challenge me and hold me accountable.  She gave me some homework assignments for the 1st step.  

I had dinner with Liz tonight at Kona Grill and then we rented Robin Hood with one of my favs hottie Russell Crowe.  This was our first "date" post inpatient treatment and it's always great to laugh with her.  Of course, we talked about her favorite topic sex.  She's also in the evening outpatient group with me.  It's been awesome so far making new friends with sober peeps.

Day 12: The Joy of Pooping (day 3 rehab - 11.26.11)

~Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance~ King George V

**Names have been changed** 

Our favorite topics at The House, when we weren't talking about recovery and addiction, were sex and I ensured the other topic was pooping.  "I love to poop!"  I exclaimed as all the girls laughed.  Liz had just informed me that Chef Lacey hides ground flaxseed in almost everything we eat.  Staff wanted to aid in improving our overall health which included flushing out and regulating our digestive systems.  I couldn't taste the flax, but I could sure feel it as one of the many benefits of flax is pooping.  It was certainly a luxury for me as regularity has been elusive for so many years due to poor nutrition associated with eating disorders, alcohol and prescription drug side effects.  At my worst, I could go a week or longer without a bowel movement and had to take laxatives in order to be regular.  The low carb diet Atkins caused me to be the most constipated.  I lost almost 20 lbs a few years ago, but always felt bloated.  While at The House, I made a promise to myself that I'd eat 3 meals a day instead of my usual 0 when I was starving myself to 10 when I was binging.  I was glad to see that if I ate regularly and pooped that my stomach could still be semi-flat as my metabolism was regulating as well. 

My mother liked dressing me up like a doll as a girl and sometimes she treated me like one by acting like I didn't have feelings.  When I was about 5 years old, she had me try on pale pink dress in the living room.  My chubby little body squeezed into it.  It felt tight, but I didn't know what feeling fat was at that point.  She stared at the ill-fitted dress and I could tell that she was disappointed.  She told me to "suck in."  There was no laughter and I was confused by what she wanted me to do.  I believe one of my aunts was in the room and I felt sad to disappoint my mom.  Later on, I began to understand and experience feeling fat.  My mother told me that I had to shop in the pretty plus section and I felt embarrassed because I learned it was for fatter kids.  Unfortunately, I didn't inherit the skinny genes that her biological daughters had received.  I would sometimes stand next to my mom without her knowing, stick out my stomach and compare my body to hers.   I thought that I was just as big and was even afraid that I might be pregnant as I didn't know how that happened at that time.  I just knew it involved a big belly.  When I was about 11 years old, my mom told me that I was fat.  She told me that I was a pig and ate too many potatoes.  That was my favorite food at the time.  I was shocked and devastated that my mother said this to me.  My mom and dad told me that fat people weren't respected and that they were just looking out for me.  I was exasperated and ashamed, but I felt that I deserved it.  The next day in school I tried telling my friend about the incident, but when the teacher walked by, I shut up because I didn't want my parents to get in trouble. 

With insecure mothers and girlfriends along with societal pressures to be thin, it's easy and almost accepted to have an eating disorder in this country.  I struggle with body image to this day and am working hard in therapy to reverse years of self-hatred.  People have been kind over the years and complimented my looks or body, but I have a hard time believing them sometimes.  I constantly hold in my stomach or suck in.  One of my counselors said this behavior is common for people with eating disorders. I came from a line of women who were almost always on a diet and discussing openly how they disliked or hated their bodies.  It made an impression on me as a young girl and I began hating my body, too.  I didn't know any different and it felt uncomfortable to like my body or myself because it felt egotistical.  My mother was always on a diet and buying exercise equipment that would later collect dust.  She would workout to Richard Simmons or other health nuts and swallow diet pills that sometimes made her urinate blood.  She weighed herself constantly.  I became equally obsessed with weight as well and not surprisingly, developed an eating disorder as a teenager.

I had my first high school boyfriend at 15 years old and while making out on his couch one afternoon, I felt fat.  I once overheard a boy at school talk about how he didn't like feeling a girl's "fat" stomach while they made out.  I felt that I had a fat stomach, too, and didn't want my boyfriend to be disgusted, so I stopped eating.  I had a friend with an eating disorder who only ate apples, so that's what I ate.  I was on multiple tennis teams and would play a 2 to 3 hour match and then sometimes go home and exercise to ensure I worked off all the food.  I got down to about 110 lbs which for my medium frame was thin and I stopped menstruating.  Some of my friends  were concerned about my weight and some were complimentary.  I liked the attention and was competitive with weight as I was in sports.  My immune system crashed and I was sick a lot, but I was skinny and felt more comfortable making out with my boyfriend.  This line of thinking carried through to adulthood and I thought about my fat roles while making out or having sex with guys.  I realize it's silly because they probably couldn't have cared less and I didn't care that most of them didn't have the perfect body either.  I've discussed weight issues with some of my guy friends and all of them prefer normal sized women and not the anorexic ones featured in the entertainment industry. 

As a teenager, both of my parents noticed that I was losing weight which I kind of liked. Even if it was negative attention, it was still attention.  "You want to be like your anorexic friend," my mother would occasionally say to me.  At one point, I was sitting on the floor watching TV in the living room and my dad walked in and sat on the floor about a foot behind me.  He asked to feel my stomach.  He seemed somewhat concerned, but expressed it awkwardly.  He told me that I had no stomach.  After feeling violated by him in the past, I said no.  He asked a few more times to touch my stomach and I said no and then he finally left.  No help for my eating disorder.  Just more humiliation.  I struggled with a lot of things growing up, but I didn't know how to ask them or others for help and neither did they.  They never asked for help because they were arrogant and blameless and I felt that my mother was also selfish.  I learned to be the same way and instead of seeking help from others, we battled each other.  At one point my mom said that I made her not love me anymore and I hated her for saying that.

Many woman who are alcoholics also struggle with eating disorders.  It's sometimes due to that all or nothing mentality.  I'm keeping my eating disorder and other addictions in remission at the moment with the help of managing my stress levels and caring for my mind, body and spirit.  Unlike alcohol, I obviously need food in order to survive, so despite the fact that it's one of my addictions, I cannot quit eating.  I would say that I experienced anorexia in high school, but once I left my parents' house and was a little happier moving on to college, I ate junk food like everyone else and gained the Freshmen 15 or more.  I still experienced bouts with anorexia throughout adulthood.  However, drinking made eating more difficult to control.  In recent years, my preference was to drink instead of eat or binge and not eat for a few days.  As my drinking increased, my inhibitions decreased with food.  I began to give in to hunger.  I ate more on a daily basis and binged more often.  If I hadn't kept active by exercising and being involved in multiple sports up until my car accident in September, I would've easily become obese.  I always binged in private.  In the past, I had no qualms about starving in public as it was more accepted. 

My weight has fluctuated over the years depending on how I'm feeling and what's happening in my life.  As I mentioned earlier, I had lost almost 20 lbs by starving my body of carbs on the Atkins Diet a few years ago.  I was strict about it, so even my drinks were low carb.  I got down to about 130 lbs and it felt fabulous to buy a whole new size 4 wardrobe.  The joy was only temporary though as the voices told me that I needed to be skinnier.  Nothing was ever good enough.  It used to be the perfect size 6 for so many years, now it seems to be the perfect size 2 or even 0.  I maintained a size 4 for a year, but I was not emotionally nor physically healthy.  As I began ingesting more carbs the following year, I gained all the weight back and eventually, became overweight for the first time in my life due to multiple factors including poor diet.  My lowest weight was in high school at around 110 lbs and my highest was about a year ago when I hit 160 lbs.  I was officially overweight according to the government weight charts and I felt extremely miserable.  My already low self-esteem plummeted at that point.  My BMI was 27.5 and fell in the overweight range of 25 to 29.9.  A normal weight range for a woman at my height of 5'4' is between 108 to 145 lbs with a BMI between 18.5 and 24.9.

In the final stages of my addiction, there were days when I stepped on the scale and it would determine my mood or if I even called in sick to work.  It doesn't take a genius to tell me how I gained the weight.  My weight gain formula was simple.  I ate too much, drank too much, created high stress and drama, lacked sleep, etc.  It's not rocket science.  The diet industry is a multi-billion dollar machine because most of us fail multiple times to control our eating.  Ultimately, I think we fail because we don't take the time to figure out what is triggering us to overeat in the first place.  Obviously, internal matters are usually harder to handle and take longer to fix, so working towards permanent fixes of our spirit don't compete well with the quick-fix messages from the diet industry.  The secret that they don't want us to know though is that there is no secret to weight loss.  For most people, the weight loss formula is basically, just eating right and exercising.  Good calories in; good calories out.  Obviously, easier said than done for most of us as it takes a lot of self-awareness and self-discipline.  It's definitely been a lifestyle change for me and not a diet.  I'm currently around 130 with a BMI of 22.3.  I'd like to be around 120 lbs and I think I can get there in a healthy way by eating whole grains, fruits and veggies and exercising.  The great part is that I don't need to pay any diet company to attain this goal.  

Self-improvement has taken a lot of effort and hard work.  Prior to inpatient treatment, I would have even preferred to die than deal with all of my stuff.  To improve my life, I had to first own all of my self-destructive behaviors and self-induced high stress lifestyle.  My daily goal is no longer to strive for perfection, but to be present.  This change in mind-set has positively impacted all areas of my life including my relationship with food.  I'm definitely more conscious about all the foods I eat.  I even care about how the animals were treated and how the crops were maintained.  I prefer to buy grass-fed beef, free-range organic chickens and eggs and almost all other foods labeled organic.  I learned from the nutritionist who visited us weekly at The House that the USDA and FDA regulate foods labeled "organic," but they do not regulate foods labeled "natural" or "all-natural."  I no longer want to eat foods that were genetically enhanced, modified or chemically treated.  I look at the ingredients of almost all my foods now and if I cannot pronounce it, then I don't usually want to allow it inside my body.  I spend more on my grocery bill, but save money on prescriptions and other future medical expenses by simply eating nutritious foods.  

Of course, I'll splurge and have pop and candy sometimes, but it's not out of control as when my life was unmanageable.  When I feel satisfied from food, I simply stop eating.  Now that I've eliminated alcohol, a lot of sugar and some processed foods from my diet, it's easier to regulate my eating as my blood sugar levels aren't as sporadic.  I try to eat 3 meals and 3 healthy snacks a day.  By eating every 2-3 hours, I maintain my metabolism.  I haven't been to any of the major fast food chains since leaving treatment.  I don't have an appetite for those places anymore.  Most of us can create food quickly that tastes infinitely better than any of those fast food chains and it's so much healthier for ourselves and our families.  I enjoy preparing food at home, so I can control each ingredient.  I also love eating at restaurants that care about the food that they prepare and serve people.

Later that night at The House, I shared with the girls that Dr Oz said that healthy poop should be S-shaped and golden brown.  None of the girls believed me, so one of the counselors confirmed the info by looking it up on the Internet since none of us had access.  I've only attained the golden S-shape a handful of times in the last couple years since being educated on the science of poop.  I had everyone on the lookout for S-shapes.  In the meantime, Liz was fluent in sign language and taught me the signs for constipation, diarrhea and pooping.  Happy Eating!

Day 75: Rumbly Tumbly (1.28.11)

~Don't need a pot of honey.  I'd be grateful for a plateful.  When I'm rumbly in my tumbly, then it's time to eat~ Winnie the Pooh

When I'm rumbly in my tumbly, it means it's time to poo.  The rumbliness continues as I write this near the bathroom at home.  After my colonoscopy this morning, I am now 100% confident about my exit only stance.  There might have been a .01% chance of experimentation in that nether region before, but that option has been flushed down the toilet.  Obviously, the elongated probe and the average endowment may be disproportional, but I still don't dig it.  Next time, I will ask for more drugs and not because I'm an addict.  

The farther it slithered up, the more I cramped, squirmed and moaned.  My beloved proctologist directed me to perform multiple Cindy Crawford poses to improve the maneuverability because apparently, my colon is more curvaceous than the average one.  This voluptuous colon of mine caused me great discomfort and at one point, I looked at my hand to see if the IV stopped dripping.  The poking lasted a half an hour.  Unfortunately, this is the most action I've had in a while.  

Of course, after it happily ended, the nurse informed me that I could have requested more sedation.  Tonight, I also came across an article that would have helped a buttload entitled "How to Relax Anal Sphincter in Preparing for a Colonoscopy."  I plan to print this out for future reference as I asininely kept my sphincter pretty tight.  Unless there's an alien invasion, I won't have to be anally probed for at least another 5 years.  In the meantime, I'm excited to add fabulously sexy curvy colon to my future dating resume.     

Day 74: Colonoscopy Eve (1.27.11)

~I ain't no movie star, man.  I'm a booty star~ Richard Pryor

I'm starving.  I had to start my clear liquid diet at midnight today for my colonoscopy at 9:00 tomorrow morning.  I'm on my last cocktail of Miralax and Gatorade.  I was instructed to mix 64 oz of non-red Gatorade with 8.3 oz of Miralax.  I chose to use my roommate's giant Halloween bowl as a punch bowl.  I drank half the concoction before outpatient treatment tonight and now I'm working on finishing the rest while my roommate and his funny friend drink beers.  

I began prepping a couple days ago on Tuesday.  I was instructed to eat a low fiber diet, so I've enjoyed a croissant, white breads and pasta.  I was also told to drink a lot of water, but I've opted instead for coffee with water supplied from my roommate's Keurig.  Today, I could have coffee without cream, but no decaf hazelnut lattes because it has milk.  I took 2 bisacodyl (Dulcolax) tablets at noon and then around 4:00, is when I created my Miralax mix.  Three hours prior to my exam, I need to chug a bottle of magnesium citrate to ensure that I'm extra clean.  Running to the bathroom ever few minutes and pooping liquid is not fun.  I'm looking forward to my post-colonoscopy meal tomorrow.     

Day 73: Annoyance (1.26.11)

~The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl"~ Shirley Chisholm

The disease to please is as powerful as other diseases like addiction.  Most of the women I know suffer from this disease.  I used to invite everyone into my life no matter how harmful the relationship.  Now in order to support my recovery, I need to shut some people out that do not have my best interest at heart.  It has hurt their feelings as well as mine and learning to say no has been a very difficult emotional adjustment in my life.  I still feel like a bad person sometimes saying no, however, I need to take care of myself because I want to be there for all the healthy relationships in my life.  After staying in bed the last few days in between doctor and treatment center appointments, I'm beginning to move again amongst the other normal people.  Another bout with depression most likely masked some of the anger and resentments that I've been feeling toward my family.  Of course, the day that I'm feeling especially pissed off is is the day that 3 other drivers aren't paying attention to the road and almost run me over.  I had some choice words. 

I was feeling too depressed this morning to see my chiro, so I rescheduled for tomorrow.  I was also humorously feeling too depressed to see my therapist.  Logically, this is the time that most people would feel the need to go, but I still had on a little smiley mask for my therapist and didn't want her seeing me this way.  I'm still covering up a lot of anger about my family and I've made a lot of excuses for them about the past, but no more.  Thankfully, the treatment center wouldn't allow me to reschedule, so I annoyingly got into my car.  My therapist said that she liked the pissed off version of me and told me that this was the most authentic and real that she has ever seen me.  Afterwards, I felt it was a breakthrough moment and will improve future therapy sessions as I don't want to be stuck in my childhood anymore.  Hopefully, being more real and authentic will help me heal and become the person I'm meant to be.  I was happy that my therapist saw me at my "worst" and said that she still liked me.  I always have a fear that if I show that side of me with "negative" feelings that people will become abusive, not like me or leave me like my parents. 

I was taught along with other little girls to not feel hate, anger, rage or any of those other "bad" feelings.  I wasn't supposed to challenge authority or I was hit, slapped, shoved or ignored.  I was taught that it was shameful and unladylike to feel sexual or any of the aforementioned "negative" feelings.  Ladies would never think of yelling, screaming or hitting in my family.  Ladies were submissive to men and did everything for them like my mother.  She was supermom.  She did everything while my dad worked.  She never complained, but she rarely seemed happy at home or at least, around me.  Often times, she seemed bothered or annoyed and seemed to take her anger and criticisms out on me.  She was cruel and sucked the joy out of my childhood.  I'm beginning to understand that her and my dad have issues.  I never wanted to admit that before as I've been very protective of them in the past by not telling on them.  I wanted to be a loyal child who honored and loved her parents even though I never received that same respect as a child.  I put them on a pedestal that they never deserved to be on because they were my parents and my co-dependent self felt that they were a reflection of me.  Now that I have nieces and nephews, I realize that I would have to be a very troubled person to treat them the way that my parents treated me growing up.

Finally, I'll end by commenting on the post by an anonymous HR person who left a comment saying they wouldn't hire me.  Your first assumption is that I would want to work for your company because I would not.  Also, I know a lot of administrative assistants from various companies and most of their bosses are as f-d up as I am, so I don't care if your boss wouldn't hire me.  I'm no longer living my life to please others including companies because in the end, no one eulogizes about someone's job or title.  They talk about how the person positively influenced, supported and helped others along the way.  Good luck hiring someone else.  I never wanted the job.  Thanks for reading!   

Day 72: Sober Sex (1.25.11)

~I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity, but they've always worked for me~ Hunter S Thompson

I've never had sober sex.  I've always been drunk or on drugs while doing it.  One of my previous counselors had the same fears about sex when she first became sober, too, but now she has a kid, so obviously, she overcame her fears.  Yay, there's hope.  We talked about sexuality in group last night.  I find it bizarre that we live in a sexually obsessed society, yet, most of us have a difficult time talking about sex to anyone including our children.  My parents never talked to me about sex and their parents never talked to them about sex.  It's another negative cycle which ill-prepared me for adulthood.  My mother gave me a book which basically advised me not to masturbate and to wait until marriage to have sex.  I didn't know what a vagina and menstruation were until about 5th grade when I received basic sex ed from school.  I'm glad that my sister began educating my niece and nephew on their body parts about the time they started potty training.  I think it's important to start talking to kids about sex early in age appropriate terms especially regarding abuse, so that we can empower kids to not be ashamed and speak up if it happens to them.  It's important for them to know that it's never their fault.      

By the time I was in 6th grade, I felt extremely ashamed about my body and anything having to do with sex due to various experiences, so I did not feel comfortable telling my mother that I had gotten my period.  On the day it happened, I bled through my white shorts, but thankfully, it was the end of the school day and I was able to cover it with a sweatshirt.  I hid my period from my mother for almost 2 years.  I used old rags and rationed using my mother's pads, so she would not notice.  I was doing my own laudry at that point, so my mother would not have seen any stains.  She finally discovered my secret when I hadn't cleaned my sheets in time and noticed the blood.  She let me know where the pads were, but that was the extent of the conversation.  I was mortified, but relieved not to hide anymore.

It didn't occur to me that there was a difference between intimacy and sex until last year. Unfortunately, this isn't uncommon among sexual abuse victims.  As a young girl, I felt like an object which resulted in a lack of self-discipline and self-respect throughout my life.  Intimacy and sex were interchangeable concepts for me and I didn't think a guy liked me unless he wanted me.  This mind set created a lack of healthy boundaries with guys.  I began to grasp the power of sexuality late in elementary school, but had no guidance.  At 12, I thought a boy broke up with me because there weren't enough parties to make out at during our "relationship."  I pretty much carried that belief through adulthood.  I thought that if I first established a physical connection with a guy either by making out or having sex, then they would like me more and want to tell me everything about themselves including their deepest, darkest secrets.  Ultimately, I desired and craved that emotional connection, but the formula of a physical relationship prior to an emotional one never worked for me as much as I tried repeatedly.  It left me alone and extremely lonely.    

I'm not attempting to be salacious when I share my issues and experiences with sex.  I think it's glamorized in our culture and my goal is to share my reality and perspecitive.  I managed sex in unhealthy ways by using as I did with other issues in my life and it caused me great pain.  I think sex is an important topic that doesn't get discussed in families enough.  Obviously, we weren't all conceived immaculately and most of us are here to procreate and keep the human species alive.  When I was young, I wish I would have had a healthy role model that was open to talking about sex.  It may have prevented some heartache in the future.  I hope to be that non-judgemental person to my niecies if they ever need someone.  Auntie Cind has all the what not to do stories, but hopefully, she'll have figured things out by the time they're old enough to read this or chat.   

Day 71: Firsts (1.24.11)

~Someone else's rice cake always looks bigger~ Korean Proverb

I went to my first roller derby on Saturday night at Roy Wilkins Auditorium and had a good time watching the burly chicks check each other.  I remember roller skating at Cheap Skate in Coon Rapids as a kid, however, it would have been way more fun if we could have checked while rocking out to Def Leppard.  I slept for most of the day yesterday.  I was actually a little bummed to miss church, but I was feeling a little sick and depressed.  At about 7:30 last night, I finally started coming around.  I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen to feel somewhat productive.  I talked to my sister this morning and she lifted my spirits.  I love her and my bro-in-law so much.  They have my 2 nieces (5 and 7 weeks) and 1 nephew (3).  I hope to visit them in a couple weeks before I go back to work.  

Another first, I ate at a Korean restaurant today.  It is aptly named Korea Restaurant and is located near the University of Minnesota campus.  During my appointment with my Korean chiropractor this afternoon, we got on the topic of Korea and I let her know that I had never eaten Korean food.  She was in disbelief and invited me to this restaurant for lunch after my appointment.  I love spontaneity and food, so I was excited to try something new with someone that had been to Korea multiple times.  I walked in and there were many Koreans and other Asians eating there which is always a good sign.  We ordered about 6 different things from the lunch menu and had a smorgasbord of Korean food to taste.  It was a beautiful feast with lots of vegetables, beef, and the loveliest glass-like noodles called jap chae.  We had bulgogi, bibimbap and other things that I cannot remember how to pronounce.  I used to be afraid of Korean food as dog is a delicacy there, but I am now pleased to know that there are other delicious dishes with wonderful flavors.  I practiced using chop sticks again, too, so every day I'm becoming less of an embarrassment to my Korean ancestors.

After lunch, I had my keloid or ugly, puffy scar removed on my back shoulder and got stitches for the first time by my Chinese proctologist/plastic surgeon.  Now, I'll have a pretty back for this summer.  This Friday, he'll perform my first colonoscopy.  Hopefully, I'll have a healthy colon/rectum for this summer as well.  

Day 70: Family Roles (1.23.11)

~Family quarrels are bitter things.  They don't go by any rules.  They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material~ F Scott Fitzgerald

Families are funny phenomenons.  Obviously, no gets to pick their families like friends.  If some of my family members were potential friends, I would not choose some of them.  Some showed little to no interest in getting to know the real me as I grew up or as an adult and vice versa.  However, as family members, I'm expected to love everyone because they have the title of mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc.  I am starting to build some relationships with some extended family members as a result of coming out with my struggles.  However, some of my family members are upset that I've chosen to blog about my issues.  They would rather I kept quiet about all my secrets and pain.  They feel that I'm ruining my life personally and professionally when in fact, I've actually gained my life back.  I believe they're more concerned about their own lives as I haven't heard from most of these concerned relatives in years.  I don't know them and they don't know me.  Right now, I have a sister whom I adore for sticking by me and then I consider the rest of my immediate family and some of my extended family as people with titles.  

As I grew up, I tried to make my immediate family love me and instead, most of them deeply hurt me with neglect or abuse.  As an adult, I continued to try to make them want to have a relationship with me by initiating contact and gatherings, but it's difficult to have a one-sided relationship with anyone.  I choose to share my struggles because I feel called to do what I can to help others before I die.  I have received numerous emails in private from people who have also experienced pain in their lives and their stories are truly inspirational.  I would challenge those family members who want me to keep quiet, to look within and figure out what they can do to improve themselves and help others rather than worry about me.  I'm okay now.  I have many supportive friends and family.

In Dr Stephanie S Covington's A Healing Journey, she talks about the following Sexual Abuse in Families continuum.

Psychological Abuse:

• Sexual jokes
• Verbal harassment
• Violating boundaries
• Telling child inappropriate sexual information

 Covert Abuse:

• Inappropriate touching
• Voyeurism
• Ridicule of body
• Sexual hugs
• Pornography

  Overt Abuse:

• Exhibitionism
• French kissing
• Fondling
• Oral sex
• Penetration 

The abuse I experienced were some of the behaviors listed under psychological and covert from my father and overt from my brother.  From my father, I was left feeling confused and questioned my sanity because psychological and covert sexual abuse were never taught in schools.  Even without having information about sex or abuse as a young girl, his behavior made me feel uncomfortable, angry and sad at times, but also pleasurable because it was attention that I so desperately wanted from my father.  I later associated feelings of pleasure with guilt because these occurrences didn't seem like a healthy and respectable father and daughter relationship.  I experienced overt abuse from my brother once when he was 16 years old and I felt angry, but I did not tell my mother and father because I did not feel safe revealing certain feelings or issues in my life with them.   

For many years, I questioned or denied the abuse in my family and became angry at myself when I could not let go of the memories or feelings associated with abuse.  I just wanted to move on with my life and did not want to appear that I was weak or was feeling sorry for myself.  I minimized my experiences because I thought that other people had it worse.  I convinced myself that the behavior in my family was normal even though deep inside I knew that it was dysfunctional.  However, my feelings of anger, sadness, shame and guilt did not go away, but instead, manifested in other ways through abusing alcohol and drugs.  After learning more about abuse in treatment, I feel that my families' ignorance on abuse should not excuse their behavior nor prevent them from being held accountable.  By holding them accountable, it has cost me my relationship with them, but I now can start healing from the past and move forward.

Dr Covington writes that many women come from families in which their needs were not met.  They took on roles in an effort to meet their needs and to survive in emotionally empty or emotionally challenging environments.  Many women have their first experience of abuse in their home.  In abusive homes, many children may try to become invisible in order to avoid punishment; the mask of an approved role provides protective cover.  Unfortunately, even if I had learned this information in school, it would still have been difficult for me to come forward.  Children do not have many dependable resources.  The foster care system in this country seems atrociously mishandled.  I think this is one of the many reasons why abuse remains so pervasive and the destructive cycle continues for millions of lives around the world.  

River Ridge Treatment Center provided the following information regarding family roles in chemically dependent or sexually abusive households.  It was striking to me when I first heard this as each person in my own family played each role almost to a tee.  I played the role of the Family Hero growing up as I was a good student and excelled in some sports in school.  Birth order does not automatically determine a child's role and some children can play multiple roles.  An only child can play multiple roles as well.

The Family Trap:
Chief Enabler (Spouse or Significant Other)-
Visible Qualities

• Super Responsible
• Martyr- Others First
• Sickly
• Compliant
• Manipulative
• Powerless
• Selfless
• Crisis-Oriented
• Busy
• Difficulty Setting Boundaries

Inner Feelings

• Anger
• Guilt
• Tired
• Inadequate

Represent to Family

• Caretaker

Characteristics

• Takes Over Control of Family
• Depended on the Most by Chemically Dependent or Sexually Abusive Person

Possible Future Characteristics with Help

• Lets Go of Controlling
• Takes Care of Self
• Starts having Fun
• Balance

Assets

• Organized
• Creative
• Loving
• Generous
• Nurturing

Family Hero (1st Child)-
Visible Qualities

• Image is Important
• Visible Success
• Does What's Right
• Superior
• Perfect
• Rigid
• Controlling
• Entitled
• Selfish

Inner Feelings

• Guilt
• Inadequate
• Fear of Being Found Out

Represent to Family

• Worthy (Family Can be Proud)

Characteristics

• Hard Worker
• High Achiever (Grades, Friends, Sports)
• Perfectionist
• Intolerant

Possible Future Characteristics with Help

• Accepts Failure
• Responsible for Self
• Good Executive

Assets

• Successful
• Intelligent
• Ego Strength
• Capable

Scapegoat (2nd Child)-
Visible Qualities

• Hostility
• Defiance
• Anger
• Sometimes early trouble in School/Work

Inner Feelings

• Hurt
• Guilt
• Anger
• Rejections

Represent to Family

• Takes Focus Off the Alcoholic

Characteristics

• Negative Attention
• Won't Compete with "Family Hero"
• Misunderstood

Possible Future Characteristics with Help

• Accepts Responsibility
• Good Counselor
• Ability to See Reality

Assets

• Resilient
• Resourceful
• Generous
• Loving
• Non-Judgemental
• Tolerant

Lost Child (3rd Child)-
Visible Qualities

• Withdrawn
• Loner
• Shy
• Awkward Socially

Inner Feelings

• Loneliness
• Uninportant

Represent to Family

• Belief (One Child Not to Worry About)

Characteriestics

• Confused
• "Invisible"
• Quiet
• No Friends
• Follower
• Trouble Making Decisions

Possible Future Characteristics with Help

• Independent
• Talented
• Creative
• Imaginative

Assets

• Intelligent
• Competent
• Aware
• Patient
• Independent

Mascot (4th Child)-
Visible Qualities

• Fragile
• Immature
• Needs Protection
• Cute
• Cavalier

Inner Feelings

• Fear
• Incompetence

Represent to Family

• Fun and Humor (Comic Relief)

Characteristics

• Hyperactive
• Learning Disabilities
• Short Attention Span
• Life of the Party
• Annoying

Possible Future Characteristics with Help

• Takes Care of Self
• No Longer Clown
• Good Sense of Humor
• Secure

Assets

• Humorous
• Resilient
• Fun

Day 69: Fame (1.22.11)

~The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife~ Barack Obama

I had a brief brush with fame at brunch this morning at the Grand Cafe down the block.  It was my first time eating at this cute little place and the menu was filled with wonderful food.  I chose a delicious meal of Eggs in Cocotte with Puff Pastry, Italian Ham, Truffle Cream, Poached Eggs and Comte Gruyere.  While my friend and me were chatting, I glanced over at the couple next to us whom had just sat down a few moments earlier.   I noticed that the young blond, blue eyed woman was very beautiful.  She had little makeup on and her hair was in a ponytail.  She wore a big dark blue sweater with brown leggings.  I thought she looked like a model and then I looked over to see who she was cuddling with and he was of course, equally attractive.  He took off his cap to reveal his sexy, messy brown hair.  He was tall, thin and hot.  After oogling at him for a bit, it dawned on me that it looked like Minnesota-born hottie Josh Hartnett.  I had my friend look over and she thought so, too.  A little while later, a friend joined them and they were talking about New York and the "biz," so then I knew for sure.  

I wondered for years if this moment would ever come as I've heard he owns a place on Lake of the Isles.  I love walking around that lake, so I'm sure I've seen his house.  My previous brushes with fame included asking then Presidential Candidate George W Bush in 2000 who he was thinking about for a potential running mate.  I was a journalism student at the time and I thought the future President was short, but personable. I also saw Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) from Saved by the Bell perform a horrendous stand-up routine at a college in Iowa.  I was drunk and afterwards, got a picture with him.  As a celeb junkie, I read years ago how Josh Hartnett and then girlfriend Scarlett Johansson would hang out at Bryant Lake Bowl.  After brunch, I Googled his latest girlfriend and it's model turned actress Katharina Damm.  I managed to restrain myself by playing Minnesota Nice and did not accost him for a picture or autograph.  I've lived in the city on and off for years and finally, my dream came true of bumping into Josh Hartnett.  The snapshot of his hotness is burned into my satisfied brain.  

Day 68: Assman (1.21.11)

~Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids?  Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around?  But, if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut~ Robert Schimmel

Even though I'm on an approved leave from work, I still set my alarm clock for 7:00 in the morning and I still treat the weekdays as work days except I'm working on myself instead of in a cubicle.  I usually don't go out on the weekdays.  I save that for the weekends, so I still get excited for Fridays.  I haven't done as well getting up at exactly 7:00 like I used to at The House.  I've been sleeping in a bit and taking naps which I admit is the luxury of not being at work, but overall, I've spent longer hours working on myself than the usual forty hours a week at my job.  It's been a lot of work dealing with me and that's why I put it off for so long because I knew it would take a lot of effort to fix everything.  

I think I hit snooze this morning for 5 hours which is a record for me.  Usually, I hit it for just an hour.  Blogger went down at about midnight last night, so I went to bed.  I posted Day 67 this morning when my alarm went off at 7:00 and then, I fell back asleep.  When I woke up again, I couldn't believe that my clock said noon.  I felt like I had only snoozed for my usual hour.  My new way to deal with anger and other uncomfortable feelings must be to sleep it away rather than drink it away.  It has the same numbing effect.  I could have slept until my AA meeting at 7:30 tonight, but luckily, I have a roommate that works from home and he suggested that we go out for lunch.  His girlfriend owns the best sandwich shop in town called The Simple Sandwich.  It's located Downtown and we live near Uptown, so it was a good chance to get out of the house.

Yesterday morning, I managed to wake up at 8:00 after hitting snooze for an hour to go see my favorite Assman; my proctologist.  Assman is from one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes.  Anyway, I was going in for my first of five Infrared Coagulation (IRC) treatment.  IRC is a non-surgical way to treat hemorrhoids.  The procedure is done by placing a small probe above the 'rhoid which emits a few short bursts of infrared light.  This energy coagulates the blood vessels that feed the 'rhoid, which causes them to shrivel in a few weeks.  Pretty sexy stuff!  The nurse came in and gave me a preview of what to expect.  She mentioned that it may feel like cigarette burns in some spots.  Whaaaat?!  They didn't mention that before.  I was only expecting red laser beam pointers with no pain!  She said that I may experience urges to go to the bathroom afterwards due to the butt spasms, but that it would only be temporary.  Ugh!

As I lay on the table waiting for the Assman, I tried concentrating on my secret, safe place that I had created during inpatient treatment.  However, I became more interested in listening to the conversation he was having about liposuction with the lady in the next room, so I eavesdropped.  When the Assman finally walked in, he was the same nice, energetic doctor and after some small talk, he told me to get into the Cindy Crawford model pose.  I gave him the courtesy chuckle again.  He got the laser beam out and "ouch!" I exclaimed.  It was exactly like a cigarette burn on the delicate parts of my bum as the nurse had explained.  The pain only lasted a few seconds after each blast.  Although, I could hear the subtle click of the laser beam and I'd wince while waiting a second for the burning sensation to begin.  The whole procedure lasted just a few minutes with about 6 clicks.  I felt a little pain down there and it took more time to sit up and get dressed.  I felt pressure to poop, but tried ignoring it.  Instead, I focused on all the things I had to do yesterday while my butt was spazzing out.  

The nurse had warned about bleeding after bowel movements and instructed me to take 2 stool softeners during the day and 2 in the evening while I'm receiving treatments, so basically, I need to take these for the next 3 months.  She told me to buy the economy size, so I went to Target since I don't have Costco membership.  As I stood staring at all the options, an old man walked by and said to me, "Big decision!"  I already felt embarrassed enough to be in that aisle, so I just looked blankly at him as he walked passed me.  Unfortunately, they only carried laxatives with stool softener and stool softener with laxatives, so I selected the latter thinking that it had more stool softener than pooping power.  After lunch with my roommate, he offered to help me scour the city for stool softener sans laxatives, but I declined.  I kind of like pooping.

I'm sitting at a coffee shop waiting for my tire to be replaced after it was flattened by a gianormous pothole on Highway 94 a few nights ago.  It's freezing out todayI  The temp is -2, but according to Weather.com and me, it feels like -17 or colder.  Instead of waiting at the car shop, I froze walking 6 blocks to the local coffee shop that serves vanilla lattes using real vanilla beans instead of walking a block away to a coffee shop chain.  I've become a bit of a coffee snob now that I can no longer be a wine and beer snob.  I admire baristas who can make beautiful latte art such as rosettes with intricate weaving or hearts.  They pour the steam milk like it's a paint brush and create these lovely patterns or designs.  Little touches like these make me happy now.  

I also feel less debbie downerish than last night.  Thank God for friends.  I love them.  They make me laugh and that's definitely the best medicine.  I'm meeting a friend at an AA meeting later tonight and afterwards, we're going out to dinner.  I will receive my 60 day medallion or rather, poker chip with sticker on it, so I'm glad that I did not drink the other night.  I know for sure that if I started drinking wine, I wouldn't be able to stop.  I'd be powerless.  I'm glad that I woke up this morning with nothing to regret.   

Day 67: Fear (1.20.11)

~Love is what we're born with.  Fear is what we learned here~ Marianne Williamson

I'm scared.  For 17 years, I drank to numb feelings and to feel feelings that I was too scared to feel sober.  My disease of alcoholism now prevents me from using the drug that allowed me to feel connected with some of the feelings that I deemed negative, unacceptable or uncomfortable.  Feelings like fear, sadness, anger and love.  I had to learn in treatment that feelings are just feelings.  We're born to feel certain emotions for survival and as we mature, we just learn to add judgments and expectations to those feelings.  

As a child, I didn't feel safe to express fear, sadness and anger.  I was raised by parents who had two primary feelings; fine and good.  They expressed that even when things or their behavior didn't seem fine and good.  Growing up, I thought there was something wrong with me when I felt fear, sadness and anger, so in college, I went to the doctor and they gave me a prescription for anti-depressants.  My parents told me that they loved me, but sometimes they were abusive as they are being now by disowning me.  These mixed messages have caused me to be confused and uncomfortable with love; having others say they love me or even loving myself is scary. 

"How angry are you about not being able to drink anymore?  How do you deal with anger?"  My new counselor Sara asked me during our first one-to-one meeting tonight.  "I don't know.  I'm just trying to accept and be okay with not drinking each day.  I usually write when I'm feeling angry now,"  I numbly responded.  "How angry are you about your parents not speaking to you?"  She asked after I filled her in on some of my background.  "I think I'm scared to go there.  I don't know how to deal with it right now while I try to stay sober.  I'm afraid that the depth of pain may come out later and I don't know how it will manifest,"  I replied.  She challenged me to try to connect with my feelings now.  She said if I relapsed, they would be here for me.  She reminded that I won't be in treatment forever, so she suggested trying new things and making mistakes while I still have them as a good safety net. 

I have many friends and at my age, most have families or significant others.  They have their own lives and I don't want to burden them with my feelings.  I feel alone right now.  I had my last 2 glasses of wine 67 days ago and my laptop now replaces glasses of wine.  Which is more satisfying?  At the moment, I would love a bottle of wine.  I am angry that I can't drink.  I am angry that I only know how to express anger to a blog.  I am angry that I had a dysfunctional and abusive childhood and wonder what I could have accomplished if I had grown up in a healthy, supportive and positive environment. My family was watching me drink myself to death and now they're not present to watch me survive.  I don't know why my parents were neglectful and didn't want to get to know the real me as I grew up.  Like any other kid, all I wanted to do was make them happy and please them, but they kept shutting me down.  I was a good girl and now I'm a good woman, but they still refuse to get to know the real, sober me.  I'm afraid to scream and give a voice to my anger even as I sit here alone.    

Day 66: Humility (1.19.11)

~To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness~ Benjamin Franklin 

I tried out a new AA meeting a few blocks down from where I live in Minneapolis.  It's in a beautiful mansion and there are several meeting rooms as well as a small cafe.  As I walked in, mustiness and conversation permeated the air.  I liked all the old furnishings and decor.  I asked the elderly man at the front desk where my meeting room was and he pointed upstairs.  I walked up the dark wood staircase and into the first room on the left.  I noticed about 10 men were seated, so I asked if I was at the right meeting.  Someone confirmed that it was a mixed meeting, so I sat down feeling a bit outnumbered.  I grew up in a blue-collar household and these men looked blue-collar and down to earth, so in that regard, I felt comfortable.  About 25 men and 3 women showed up.  Most of the men were about my dad's age or older and the 3 women were about my age.  This was the first meeting that I've been to where the majority of attendees were men.

The topic tonight was Step 6 which says "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."  The man a few chairs down volunteered to speak first which meant that I'd be one of the first ones to speak if they headed my direction in the circle.  I used to get really nervous speaking in front of groups and sometimes experienced panic attacks because I was so focused on my script and myself.  I'd also have trouble listening to anyone else.  However, in the last couple months, I've practiced active listening and not preparing a script in my mind.  I have more confidence now that I'll be able to think and speak on my feet and I started to trust that God will help me with the right words if I get lost.  It feels more authentic and sincere anyway if I don't have a speech prepared.  I used to agonize over and analyze every word that I said or didn't say during conversations with people or presentations at work.  It's freeing to let go of the perfectionism and accept that whatever was said or missed was meant to be.

The group decided to head in my direction, so I calmly talked about my co-dependency issues and how easy it was for me to pick out all the negative things about my ex-husband while neglecting and ignoring my own deficiencies.  I admitted that once I left him, my addictions really took hold and I started using alcohol, Xanax and pain meds until I couldn't deny that I had a problem anymore.  I added that I was pretty self-destructive in the last few years, but finally surrendered to God and am working with Him to correct all my numerous character defects.  Then, I passed to the next person.  It's nice not to be so self-conscious anymore.

One of the qualities that I gained as a result of coming out as an alcoholic and drug addict is humbleness.  As the meeting went on, I felt perfectly in place because I was just like them and shared similar struggles.  I admired their humility and willingness to share their painful stories.  I didn't really notice their gender or race any longer as I just listened to their voice and each word they said.  I'm grateful to have humility in my life now because it motivates me to grow and improve.  I no longer waste energy judging other people's imperfections as I solely need to concentrate on my own. 

Day 65: Three Good Fairies (1.18.11)

~All God's angels come to us disguised~ James Russell Lowell

I was feeling broken and melancholy this morning.  I didn't sleep well again last night.  Driving to the dentist's office for a cleaning didn't improve my mood.  I can never do anything right when it comes to teeth.  No matter how hard I try in the 6 months leading up to the cleaning, they always say that I need to brush and floss better.  I give up.  I just say ah-uh as they lecture and irritatingly scrape the decaf hazelnut latte stains off.  I measure success by the number of cavities and I had zero again, so I will keep sucking at brushing and flossing because I must be doing something right.

I got home from the dentist and decided to take a relaxing bath.  I cried a bit because I'm still grieving the loss of some of my immediate family.  I'm glad that I don't need to return to work for another few weeks because it's like a death of 5 people in my life or 7 if it also includes my niece and nephew.  My world has dramatically changed in the last few months from lifestyle to family.  I don't feel badly about taking time off work and I'll try never again to feel guilty because I control my life now; not my job.   Plus, I've lived about 409 months so far and I'm dedicating only 3 months to doing major repairs that were way overdue.

Sometimes when I'm upset, I pray that God will send me an angel and this time, he sent three.  I know it sounds childish and weird, but these ladies he sent reminded me of the Three Good Fairies in Sleeping Beauty.  I never knew how much of an impact these fairy tales had on my life as a little girl, but I think I was hoping for a happier life and these stories were my escape.  I went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting at another church tonight.  I was told that if one AA meeting doesn't meet your needs, to try another meeting elsewhere, so I'll apply that to all support groups.  As I entered the meeting room, I was immediately welcomed and taken under the wing of Merryweather.  She reminded me a little of Roseanne Barr because she was boisterous, feisty and very funny.  She asked me to sit at their table for dessert and coffee and then she let me sit next to her at the beginning of the meeting for music and singing.  There were a variety of support groups in attendance and then after singing, we broke off into our own groups, so I followed Merry to Celebrate Recovery.  

It was a small group of men and women in the Celebrate Recovery room and one of the men spoke on the topic of relapse.  After he finished, we broke off again into groups of men and women and that's where I met Fauna and Flora.  Flora was a wise, older women with a huge heart.  She was there for an eating disorder because she struggled with overeating.  Fauna was a very joyful person which was fitting because she teaches a curriculum on joy.  She had a wonderful laugh and was very expressive.  It was so fun to listen to these women banter as they fed off each other's energy, positivity and love.  

It was the perfect place for me to be and lifted my spirit.  There were a couple other women in the group, too.  One was Martha who doesn't like to talk, but the women helped encourage and support her because she suffered from depression.  It sounded like she was experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) at the moment.  She attends every week and likes to help others.  Peggy had a sweet high-pitched voice and was a good, empathetic listener.  She teared up as I was telling my story.  I was probably about 15-30 years younger than the other women and they were comforting to me.  When some of my family shut me out of their lives, God opened windows to new souls who will be loving, positive role models in my life.  I look forward to building relationships with these women.  

   

Day 64: Front Row (1.17.11)

~I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being~ Oscar Wilde

**Names have been changed**

For the next few months, I'll be attending a new group at the River Ridge Treatment Center's Minnetonka location.  The program is a couple nights a week for a few hours.  The counselors leading the group are Paula, a kind woman who greeted me when I sat down,  Sara, an insightful, straight-forward woman and Audrey, a beautiful, articulate young woman.  There were about 10 clients in the room including my old housemate Liz.  It was so great to see her and joke around.  It was timely that we talked again about establishing healthy boundaries with people and teaching others how to treat us.  

Alcohol and drugs allowed me to maintain a connection to my parents all these years.  I painfully realized for myself a few weeks into inpatient treatment that my parents were triggers.  I thought back to all the times that I used while calling or visiting them.  Using chemicals allowed me to let go of the past and suppress my negative feelings for my mother and father.  I was able to have an adult/adult relationship with them which was more positive and enjoyable than the adult/child relationship that they abused.  

They provided a handout called Who's in your front row?

 Life is too short to permit anyone or anything to bring negativity to your life.  Re-evaluate your life and decide who you will permit to sit in your front row.

Just a little something to think about....

Life is a theater...Invite your audience carefully.  Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.  It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships or friendships.  Observe the relationships around you.  Pay attention.

Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income.  So we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds.

We should not share our dreams with negative people, nor feed them with negative thoughts.

So, Who's in your front row?

My mother, father, sister, brother and sister-in-law have chosen not to be in the theatre, so I don't even have a choice.  Even though it's painful, I am grateful for our time together.  I wish them peace.  They may not want to see me again in this lifetime, but I believe our spirits last forever.  Perhaps, as spirits, we'll able to interact on a higher plane and speak to one another with love.  That is my hope.