~In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men~ Cicero
**Names have been changed**
"You have a new ass hole!" My roommate exclaimed as I told him that I visited a doctor earlier that day for a hemorrhoid removal consultation. Since I wasn't planning on dying anytime soon and had some time off work, I decided to resolve all my medical ailments that I've been putting off forever. "A new me; a new ass hole!" I replied. I told him about the different types of treatments. "You're having red laser beams pointed at your ass!" He amusingly said. I laughed. "Yeah, it'll take about five treatments every couple weeks to have a pretty ass hole." Luckily, there are newer procedures now besides rubber bands or scalpels and thankfully, my 'rhoids qualified for red laser beams. "You need to promise that you'll ask him something after your last treatment," he said. "Oh, no! What?" I smiled. "You need to ask him how soon you can have the anal sex!" HA! Not necessary. Exit only.
He was a very nice doctor from China with a heavy accent and energetic mannerisms. He was highly intelligent and had performed numerous operations. He sat with me for a few minutes before the exam and asked where I was from originally. After I told him Korea, he mentioned how his daughter is fascinated with Korean culture and how she flew to Los Angeles recently to see a cute Korean boy band. He also told me about a single Korean gal he just operated on who wanted to date and find a man. He said that he did liposuction on her stomach and performed a breast augmentation. As he was telling me, he touched his own stomach and chest. He commented on how beautiful she was now. Under normal circumstances this scenario might have been a little creepy, but he was about to look at my butt hole. That's creepy and gross enough. Maybe he'll tell the next Korean girl how he removed my 'rhoids and how beautiful I am now.
After we chatted, he left while I put on an exam gown. I tried very hard not to be mortified. I told myself that he's seen thousands of 'rhoids. I was also embarrassed about cellulite on my butt, but I'm sure he's seen plenty of that, too. He came back and told me to lie on my left side and put my right leg in front of my left leg. "This is what we call the Cindy Crawford pose," he joked. I gave him the courtesy chuckle as he made it sound like this was the first time he's ever used that line. I appreciated his efforts to make me feel comfortable. Unfortunately, I told him about bleeding which I thought was caused from the 'rhoids, but now he wants me to have a colonoscopy next Friday just to be sure it's not something more serious. It takes three days to prep for a colonoscopy. I have instructions on what to eat and drink leading up to that day. I laugh when I think about all my ailments in the last few weeks following inpatient treatment, otherwise, I might cry. The first week, I had depression. The second, I had bronchitis. The third, I got my period. The fourth, I had my first physical in two years and learned that I have a yeast infection, so now I need to insert antifungal cream for a week. To top it off, I'll experience a thrilling internal exam of my colon and rectum. Crap! But, I still have my sobriety.
I love this doctor. He's a very sweet man with a good bedside manner which is key for me when dealing with painfully uncomfortable issues such as 'rhoids, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. He's also going to remove a keloid which is an ugly, puffy scar on my shoulder which I caused a few years ago when I was drunk on a friend's deck wearing 3 1/2 inch heels and fell on their metal sliding door track. When my alcoholism was at it's worst in the last few years, I would blackout and get so many bumps and bruises all over my body. I almost poked my eye out once running into a street sign, but thankfully, just got a bruise underneath my eye. I'm glad those days of stupidly injuring myself while intoxicated are over. I had an annoying wart on my hand that I forgot to remove before inpatient treatment, but I managed to turn my attention to removing the warts inside my spirit first. I'm working from the "inside out" rather than my usual "outside in." It feels terribly vulnerable at times, however, it takes much more energy to build defenses and hide. It's been a great lesson for me to learn how to ask for help and ask for what I need from caring people, so that I can improve my whole self; internally as well as externally.
**Names have been changed**
"You have a new ass hole!" My roommate exclaimed as I told him that I visited a doctor earlier that day for a hemorrhoid removal consultation. Since I wasn't planning on dying anytime soon and had some time off work, I decided to resolve all my medical ailments that I've been putting off forever. "A new me; a new ass hole!" I replied. I told him about the different types of treatments. "You're having red laser beams pointed at your ass!" He amusingly said. I laughed. "Yeah, it'll take about five treatments every couple weeks to have a pretty ass hole." Luckily, there are newer procedures now besides rubber bands or scalpels and thankfully, my 'rhoids qualified for red laser beams. "You need to promise that you'll ask him something after your last treatment," he said. "Oh, no! What?" I smiled. "You need to ask him how soon you can have the anal sex!" HA! Not necessary. Exit only.
Most counselors advise people in treatment to not date for a year, so one can focus time and energy on recovery. My counselor Rachel said to be realistic and aim for 6 months, but I've decided to commit one solid year to just looking at men; not touching. However, by writing about my medical ailments and other issues, I'm pretty much solidifying the fact that I will likely never date again. It's in the interest of full disclosure though and helping others that I share these uncomfortably self-conscious stories. My doctor tried to make me feel better by telling me that it's a common disease with 70% of the population having internal and/or external 'rhoids. He said some women get these from pregnancy. Great, guess I'll be seeing him again if I ever find that date.
He was a very nice doctor from China with a heavy accent and energetic mannerisms. He was highly intelligent and had performed numerous operations. He sat with me for a few minutes before the exam and asked where I was from originally. After I told him Korea, he mentioned how his daughter is fascinated with Korean culture and how she flew to Los Angeles recently to see a cute Korean boy band. He also told me about a single Korean gal he just operated on who wanted to date and find a man. He said that he did liposuction on her stomach and performed a breast augmentation. As he was telling me, he touched his own stomach and chest. He commented on how beautiful she was now. Under normal circumstances this scenario might have been a little creepy, but he was about to look at my butt hole. That's creepy and gross enough. Maybe he'll tell the next Korean girl how he removed my 'rhoids and how beautiful I am now.
After we chatted, he left while I put on an exam gown. I tried very hard not to be mortified. I told myself that he's seen thousands of 'rhoids. I was also embarrassed about cellulite on my butt, but I'm sure he's seen plenty of that, too. He came back and told me to lie on my left side and put my right leg in front of my left leg. "This is what we call the Cindy Crawford pose," he joked. I gave him the courtesy chuckle as he made it sound like this was the first time he's ever used that line. I appreciated his efforts to make me feel comfortable. Unfortunately, I told him about bleeding which I thought was caused from the 'rhoids, but now he wants me to have a colonoscopy next Friday just to be sure it's not something more serious. It takes three days to prep for a colonoscopy. I have instructions on what to eat and drink leading up to that day. I laugh when I think about all my ailments in the last few weeks following inpatient treatment, otherwise, I might cry. The first week, I had depression. The second, I had bronchitis. The third, I got my period. The fourth, I had my first physical in two years and learned that I have a yeast infection, so now I need to insert antifungal cream for a week. To top it off, I'll experience a thrilling internal exam of my colon and rectum. Crap! But, I still have my sobriety.
I love this doctor. He's a very sweet man with a good bedside manner which is key for me when dealing with painfully uncomfortable issues such as 'rhoids, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. He's also going to remove a keloid which is an ugly, puffy scar on my shoulder which I caused a few years ago when I was drunk on a friend's deck wearing 3 1/2 inch heels and fell on their metal sliding door track. When my alcoholism was at it's worst in the last few years, I would blackout and get so many bumps and bruises all over my body. I almost poked my eye out once running into a street sign, but thankfully, just got a bruise underneath my eye. I'm glad those days of stupidly injuring myself while intoxicated are over. I had an annoying wart on my hand that I forgot to remove before inpatient treatment, but I managed to turn my attention to removing the warts inside my spirit first. I'm working from the "inside out" rather than my usual "outside in." It feels terribly vulnerable at times, however, it takes much more energy to build defenses and hide. It's been a great lesson for me to learn how to ask for help and ask for what I need from caring people, so that I can improve my whole self; internally as well as externally.
2 comments:
Your roommate sounds like a dick.
Of the worst sort!
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