Day 52: Disownment (1.5.11)

~Over 3 million reports of child abuse are made every year in the United States; however, those reports can include multiple children.  In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations~ National Child Abuse Statistics

My mother was emotionally and physically abusive and my father was sexually and physically abusive.  I own my alcoholism and other addictions, but I don't need to own the abuse that I experienced as a child anymore.  I never needed to own that, but I was taught in school about stranger danger and "don't talk to strangers."  They never told me that sometimes the people that hurt you the most are the ones who know you and are supposed to love you.  In the past, I would have rather died with the shame, guilt and pain than confront my parents.  Sadly, millions of children around the world kill themselves rather than choose to expose their abusers because they're afraid.  Afraid of not being believed, told their crazy, shamed all over again, abandoned, disowned and that their moms will choose to love their abuser more than the child.  I know because those are the same things that I feared and that's why I avoided the conversation for all these years.  However, it became a reality when I finally spoke to my mother.  

I called my mother and kindly asked if her and my dad were willing to attend my next therapy session because there were some issues in my past that I needed help letting go of, so I could move forward.  I already knew the answer before I asked and my mother transformed from the kinder, gentler older woman that I knew as an adult into the cruel, condescending and loveless young woman that I knew as a child.  When I was growing up, they would self-righteously tell me that I needed to talk with the youth pastor or I needed to go to an institution because of my mouthiness and anger.  It was never we need to talk about this as a family and no one even bothered to ask me what I was so angry about.  My parents refused to attend any family group sessions during treatment where families gathered to discuss impacts of having this disease and other issues.   If I had cancer, they likely would have been more involved and supportive. 

I remained calm and composed during the conversation which is an adjustment for me during conflict.  I didn't swear or yell while my mother started belittling me like a child again.  She began by saying "how can I say this to make you understand, so you don't get angry?"  Her condescending tone was already making me angry.  She proceeded to tell me that nothing that she and my dad did in the past warrants them coming in to my "little meeting" because they did nothing wrong.  I said, "Well, is dad sexually abusing me reason enough for you guys to come in?"  She was aghast and in disbelief, but at me for saying it; not at my dad for doing it.  She said that I should be ashamed for even mentioning that about my father as he was a loving, kind, generous and thoughtful man.  I told her that I completely agreed with all of that, but he did some things to me and provided her some details.  I wanted to add, but refrained that if serial killers and pedophiles looked like monsters, they probably wouldn't be able to kill or molest.  She was appalled and told me that she prays every day that God helps to release Satan's grip on my life.  I explained to her that she didn't need to do that anymore and that I finally found a God that is loving, patient, kind and forgiving; not the cruel and judgmental One that she represented when I was a child.  She told me to no longer come to their house.  I was no longer welcome and she hung up.

I was devastated and sobbed.  I called my therapist who was kind to talk after work hours and she later called back to check on me as I sat at Bob's Java Hut listening to bad music and decompressing.  She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was getting trashed at a bar.  There was silence.  I started chuckling and I'm sure she didn't appreciate it, but it was just some lame addict humor.  It crossed my mind that if I was ever going to drink, now would be the perfect time to enjoy a bottle or two of Pinot Noir.  People would understand, right?  But, it was no longer an option because I finally cared enough about myself to not allow others to destroy my spirit.  I was no longer a codependent person with my parents, ex-husband and other family, friends and acquaintances.  I won't allow others to dictate how I feel anymore as I've been doing that since my earliest memory at 4 years old when I felt shame.  I didn't even know that word, but I felt it deep in my heart and I couldn't tell anyone.

I still love my parents because they're my parents and I've come to the realization that I want them in my life, but I don't need them in my life.  One of the Ten Commandments says to honor your parents, but God also talks about if anyone harms a child, that it would be better for them to tie a 100 lb stone around their neck and drown themselves.  I've been abandoned twice by 2 sets of parents.  I honor my South Korean parents who loved me enough to let me go to find a better life at birth and I honor my American parents for bringing me to the US and adopting me at 6 months.  I am also grateful that they always provided food, clothing and shelter because millions of children lack basic necessities.  I am most grateful for my Heavenly Father who has has given me the strength to endure it all and for never leaving me despite all my imperfections. 

My parents believe that all of this was planted in my brain during treatment, but I knew as a kid what felt terribly wrong and unjust.  They feel that my mind has been affected by alcohol and drugs, but unfortunately for them, my neurologist the other day confirmed that my brain is sound and in great shape and unfortunately for me, I have a very long and detailed memory. If I never had nieces or nephews, I would've never talked to my parents, but I felt a burden to do so for their safety and well-being.  I wanted to end the cycle of abuse in our family.  The power that abuse has over your mind, body and soul is so destructive.  It's affected every aspect of my life for as long as I can remember. It shattered my confidence, self-esteem, self-worth and I hated myself.    

For several weeks, I mentally and physically prepared for the moment of confronting them because I knew deep down how they were going to respond.  Unfortunately, their extremely harsh reaction is not surprising to me.  They didn't talk to me if we had minor conflicts, so I knew they probably weren't going to make an exception for accusations of abuse.  As a child, I could have never survived that rejection and after being abandoned at birth, there was no way that I was going to let it happen again.  I separated my mind from my body or disassociated and smiled like many children do which is very scary and sad.  No one knew as I hid everything very well to fit in and I survived.   

I honor the millions of abused children around the world who are brave enough to come forward and I remember the millions of abused children who were killed directly or indirectly by their abusers.  In the 21st century, disownment also means being unfriended on Facebook and my parents, brother and sister-in-law promptly did this after the conversation with my mother.  I hope that my brother's kids will understand someday that their Auntie continues to love them.  My other two sisters continue to love me and I have wonderful friends, so I am not without family.  God also sent angels in the form of my friends who called without them even knowing in advance the pain I was suffering.  I love and am loved, so I feel blessed.