~If you judge people, you have no time to love them~ Mother Teresa
God has a great sense of humor. Everything I judged, I became; divorcee, alcoholic, drug addict, poor, single, childless, overweight, Christian and on and on and on. Self-hatred and internal insecurities manifested in my judgments of others. I've found that as I've become more secure, I've let go of my horrible judgments and have met some incredible people in the process. Last night, I met a woman at Celebrate Recovery who also attends a meeting at her home church on a different night. I told her that I'd like to check it out sometime and she handed me meeting info.
Of all the churches in the Twin Cities Metro Area, it happened to be the one that I got married in. God made me laugh because that's pretty much the last place that I wanted to go back to, but for some reason, He seems to want me to return to the scene of the crime. About 7 years ago, during pre-marriage counseling, the pastor said that he didn't want my fiance and me to use the church as a building for just our ceremony and asked us to attend more. We went only a few times and then pretty much stopped going as soon as we stepped out the door as husband and wife. I really liked that pastor because he was authentic and a good messenger. At the time, he was filling in until a permanent pastor could be found and I was happy to learn that he's now the main pastor. Ok, fine, I'll go. God has been the best professor and trainer in my life and has been amazingly patient as I'm pretty slow at getting it. He continues to teach me hugely awesome lessons on humbleness.
I went to AA at the mansion tonight. In the past, I would drive by homes like these and think that the people inside had no problems. I walked in wearing my black wool cloche hat, obnoxious huge purse, oversized sweater, leggings and my furry Uggs. On my adoption papers, my foster family said that I was a beautiful baby who ate well and acted a little spoiled. When I read that recently, it made me laugh because some of those same perceptions have been shared throughout my life and it started when I was 6 months old. I actually used those perceptions to hide behind most of my life because I thought if I appeared a certain way, then people wouldn't think I had problems and I could be normal like everyone else. Up until this Great Recession, it was very easy to hide behind outside appearances, but I also found it extremely exhausting and ultimately, it almost killed me.
The reality for me tonight was that I've been experiencing depression while weening off my anti-depressants. The irony still makes me laugh and cry and I feel little energy to bathe. I used the elegant hat to cover my unwashed, greasy hair and my outfit was dirty as I wore it yesterday. I appeared clean though and I sprayed perfume to cover any stench. Most of the people attending these meetings at the mansion look a little rougher. They don't look like a lot of my peers. Unfortunately, I still walk into some of these meetings in my furry UGGs feeling better than, but it's my arrogance masking some remaining insecurities of feeling less than. As people start bravely sharing their struggles, we bond as equals. These people are some of the most authentic and inspiring human beings that I've encountered in my lifetime. Because of this cunning, baffling, powerful, undiscriminating disease, people have lost families, friends, businesses, homes, fortunes, etc. Because they choose to go to these meetings, they keep me sober and alive. I always leave the meetings feeling proud to be one of them.
God has a great sense of humor. Everything I judged, I became; divorcee, alcoholic, drug addict, poor, single, childless, overweight, Christian and on and on and on. Self-hatred and internal insecurities manifested in my judgments of others. I've found that as I've become more secure, I've let go of my horrible judgments and have met some incredible people in the process. Last night, I met a woman at Celebrate Recovery who also attends a meeting at her home church on a different night. I told her that I'd like to check it out sometime and she handed me meeting info.
Of all the churches in the Twin Cities Metro Area, it happened to be the one that I got married in. God made me laugh because that's pretty much the last place that I wanted to go back to, but for some reason, He seems to want me to return to the scene of the crime. About 7 years ago, during pre-marriage counseling, the pastor said that he didn't want my fiance and me to use the church as a building for just our ceremony and asked us to attend more. We went only a few times and then pretty much stopped going as soon as we stepped out the door as husband and wife. I really liked that pastor because he was authentic and a good messenger. At the time, he was filling in until a permanent pastor could be found and I was happy to learn that he's now the main pastor. Ok, fine, I'll go. God has been the best professor and trainer in my life and has been amazingly patient as I'm pretty slow at getting it. He continues to teach me hugely awesome lessons on humbleness.
I went to AA at the mansion tonight. In the past, I would drive by homes like these and think that the people inside had no problems. I walked in wearing my black wool cloche hat, obnoxious huge purse, oversized sweater, leggings and my furry Uggs. On my adoption papers, my foster family said that I was a beautiful baby who ate well and acted a little spoiled. When I read that recently, it made me laugh because some of those same perceptions have been shared throughout my life and it started when I was 6 months old. I actually used those perceptions to hide behind most of my life because I thought if I appeared a certain way, then people wouldn't think I had problems and I could be normal like everyone else. Up until this Great Recession, it was very easy to hide behind outside appearances, but I also found it extremely exhausting and ultimately, it almost killed me.
The reality for me tonight was that I've been experiencing depression while weening off my anti-depressants. The irony still makes me laugh and cry and I feel little energy to bathe. I used the elegant hat to cover my unwashed, greasy hair and my outfit was dirty as I wore it yesterday. I appeared clean though and I sprayed perfume to cover any stench. Most of the people attending these meetings at the mansion look a little rougher. They don't look like a lot of my peers. Unfortunately, I still walk into some of these meetings in my furry UGGs feeling better than, but it's my arrogance masking some remaining insecurities of feeling less than. As people start bravely sharing their struggles, we bond as equals. These people are some of the most authentic and inspiring human beings that I've encountered in my lifetime. Because of this cunning, baffling, powerful, undiscriminating disease, people have lost families, friends, businesses, homes, fortunes, etc. Because they choose to go to these meetings, they keep me sober and alive. I always leave the meetings feeling proud to be one of them.
1 comment:
God does have a sense of humor!! Sometimes its kinda sick and twisted, and other times its just funny.
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