~I believe the best service to the child is the service closest to the child, and children who are victims of neglect, abuse, or abandonment must not also be victims of bureaucracy. They deserve our devoted attention, not our divided attention~ Kenny Guinn
Abandonment hurts whether it happens at birth or if it happens as an adult. I used to disregard the first 3 years of my life because I didn't remember it, so I felt like it didn't really matter. However, I now feel that abandonment at birth had a huge impact on the way I related to people from the start. I want to make it clear that I think that adoption is a beautiful thing, but people have to be aware of the child's feelings. Often times, they're coming from a place of trauma no matter what age. In talking briefly with my mother while in rehab about the subject, she seemed to dismiss the impact and commented how I had a good foster mother. I don't think my mother knew her very well and a foster mother doesn't replace the bond that I initially established with my birth mother.
Amongst all the darkness, I experienced a rare moment of true joy 5 years ago when I watched the birth of my niece. It was my sister's first child and she invited my mother, father, sister and myself to experience this miracle. I was incredibly moved by the awesomeness of it all. If circumstances were different for my sister and my beloved niece had been abandoned at her most vulnerable, I believe that would've had a profound impact on my niece's development even though she couldn't remember the experience.
While my sister was out running errands one day, my then 4-year-old niece was trying to tell her daddy how much she missed her mommy. She didn't know how to put it into words, but she felt it. She told her daddy that she hurt right here and she put her hand on her chest. I imagine that abandoned babies, who can't yet articulate their feelings, also experience deep pain and loss after separating from their mothers with whom they bonded with in the womb. While in rehab, my therapist asked if adoption affected me because I didn't talk about it much. As I became more conscious, I realized that it most likely had major impacts. I plan on working with a therapist in the future whom specializes in Korean adoptions for understanding and to fill-in more missing pieces.
I haven't talked to my adopted parents since being abandoned and told not to come to their house. My counselor in outpatient treatment calls this emotional abuse, but this is a familiar place as it's how our family deals with conflict. It's deeply painful and like my niece, I can feel it in my chest, but I've let them go for the moment for my own health and well-being. I won't speak with them unless a therapist is present as my first priority now is protecting my physical and emotional health. In the Bible, it talks about love being the greatest gift, so I believe in God's definition of love:
~Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance~
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Based on this interpretation, I didn't grow up in a very loving home, but now I can create an environment of love. Until I went to rehab, I hated myself and today, I love myself which enables me to fully love and have compassion for others. I went to outpatient treatment on Thursday night and one of the newer ladies said that she wanted to experience the same joy that some of us felt in sobriety. For myself, I learned that it was always there, but it was buried under a lot of garbage. I had to actively participate in an enormous clean-up of my mind, body and spirit. By doing the work, my reward has been peace in knowing my ultimate destination, joy in the ability to focus on my journey and love of others and myself.
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