~It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I feel totally spacier, clumsier, forgetful-ler, gullible-er, etc, in the last couple weeks. I went the wrong way on a one way on a road that I've gone the right way on a million times before. Of course, a cop was parked on the right side of the road facing me as I passed him. His lights went on and instead of stopping, pulling over and turning around, I sped up to make a right turn before oncoming traffic came. He allowed my bruised ego to be my punishment and let me go. In addition, I keep dropping things. I've almost broken my friend's vacuum a couple times by sucking up various cords. I also managed to break their Tupperware. I've had my slumlord call my missing phone a few times and I keep forgetting where I put my keys. Ugh, is this what old age is like or just early recovery or me?! Probably a combo. My slumlord has been kind not to evict me, yet.
I'm hoping that I can use Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) as an excuse since my brain is still regulating from years of abusing alcohol and drugs. At certain times the withdrawals are more severe and it usually happens around 30, 60, 90, 120 and 180 days and at the one and 2-year marks of sobriety. Some of the more common symptoms are:
- Not able to think clearly - May have trouble with problem solving and concentration.
- Memory problems - Forgetful and not able to remember recent things.
- Emotions are over-active or numb - Emotions are out of proportion to the event. May lose control and do something rash or impulsive. May have emotions shut down and feel numb. May have mood swings.
- Sleep problems - Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or waking early. May have changes in sleep patterns. May have dreams, often about using, that disrupt sleep.
- Coordination problems - Dizziness, trouble with balance, problems with hand and eye coordination, reflexes slow causing person to be clumsy and prone to accidents.
I got over the fear really fast the following day when I became furious that my car could hardly accelerate. Apparently, it didn't want to run fast either. I was able to drive the mile to the gym and as I was cursing my car on the way to the entrance, I was also angry at winter and tired of negative temps, so I cursed that, too. I hopped on the treadmill and couldn't care less if anyone saw my bootie jiggling. Go ahead mock and stare. I ran cursing my car and praying to God that my car would run, too. Luckily, the prayers worked. I ran my fastest mile so far at 12 minutes and my car ran faster, too.
After I signed up for personal training sessions at the gym, the hot trainer said that he'd need to take my measurements the next day at my initial assessment. The first thing I thought about was not eating. However, I forced myself to eat with my friends at dinner that night. I slept in the next day and missed training because I hardly slept the night before and rescheduled for the following day. I thought about not eating again, but forced myself to eat that day, too. I've been really good about eating healthy foods after treatment and that's progress for me to overcome these types of food battles in my mind. I have a lot of goals now, so I need to feed my brain and nourish my body in order to accomplish everything.
I also slept in a couple times and missed my appointments with the Assman for 'rhoid zapping and removal because I was only getting a couple hours of sleep a night most of last week. When I finally got to see him, he still used the Cindy Crawford joke and I chuckled, so I guess we're okay. He removed my puffy scar a few weeks ago and I've grown to love my stitches. They make me feel like a bad ass at the gym. The cute guy at the gym that tape measured me asked about the stitches, so I told him all about my knife fight. He seemed impressed and laughed.
At church, I've wondered about the Holy Spirit. I cry almost every time that I've gone to my church since rehab. It's usually happy tears because I feel connected and moved. This past Sunday, the pastor answered some of my questions about the Holy Spirit. He told the congregation about another person who came up to him and said that they cry a lot also when singing and hearing the message here. The pastor explained that they were experiencing the Holy Spirit inside of them. I believe for me also, the Holy Spirit has given me the ability to experience peace, joy and love as well as not judge people anymore. People could tell me anything and I wouldn't flinch. He's helped me to not feel ashamed about my writing and sharing my experiences. I feel that it can only be Him as this is the complete opposite of how I was before. The pastor also talked about how God will whisper in our ears and then He'll try nudging us and if we still don't listen, he starts using 2x4's to get our attention. With me, God told me to sober up and it took about 33 years and forests of lumber to get me to wake up and follow Him. He still has to whack me with 2x4's and that will likely continue, but even still, I've experienced his amazing grace and patience with me.
My outpatient counselor had laughed at me when I told her a few weeks ago about how I was trying to be even-keel after just getting out of rehab and being disowned by some of my family. She said that it was impossible to be even-keel while in early recovery. I'm always up for a good challenge and wanted to prove her wrong, but now I get it. If I remain even-keel, then I'm not really doing the work of healing. I need to endure all the highs and lows and seek understanding. I was on a high last week from finally knowing what I want to do with my life, but experiencing a low from being so lonely. We were talking about sexual abuse this past Monday in group and I broke down again, but I've learned that breaking down is actually very cleansing. I've never had a bad cry and I think it's a gift. I feel better after taking the time to acknowledge those tremendously painful emotions and breaking down rather than drowning these emotions in alcohol or numbing them with drugs. The latter prolonged the healing process for years.
I will never tell my nieces and nephews not to cry. Many men and women don't know what a good cry is because they weren't allowed to experience it as children. It's like a natural anti-depressant and relaxant for me when I'm finished. Because I didn't feel safe crying early on, I internalized and found other unhealthy ways to handle stress, anxiety, depression, anger, etc. After group, I got in my car and started bawling. I cried out to God and asked him why my parents treated me poorly because I was a good kid. As I've watched my 5 year old nieces and 3 year old nephews grow up, I started to realize that I couldn't have been that bad of a kid. All these years, I thought that I was this awful kid who deserved to be mistreated. However, my nieces and nephews are just innocent, energetic, imaginative little kids who just want to be loved.
I told God repeatedly that I was terrified of having sex and that I just wanted to be held. I said to Him that I just wished that He could give me a hug. A couple miles down the road, I received a text from my friend asking about coffee sometime. Feeling anxious and upset and needing a friend at that moment, I asked if he wanted to go now. We ended up having tea at his house. We chatted and caught up while watching a movie. At the end of the night, we gave each other a hug and I felt it was my hug from God through my friend who happens to be atheist. No worries, man! He just used ya for a second. It was awesome. When I returned home, I found Vikings Logo Bandz awaiting me from my roomies. So funny! Why didn't I think to turn rubber bands into permanent shapes and make millions?!
One of the most surprising things to me is that I've laughed way more than I've cried while attending inpatient and outpatient treatments and various other support groups. I never thought that was possible. It was a great relief to know that I had permission to laugh just as much as I did to cry. In treatment, I had some of the hardest and best laughs with the girls. After dealing with some extremely tough issues, sometimes we'd just break down and laugh over stupidest things. It's so cliche, but laughter for me, has definitely been the best medicine. I love going to the AA meeting on Wednesday nights at the mansion. It's mainly a group of men and among them, are lot of fun characters.
The leader of the group is cool and reminds me of an older version of Jamie Foxx. He's hysterical and talked that night about his memories of first attending AA meetings years ago. He thought the same thing as me that people couldn't laugh during the meetings. He actually became offended when people laughed because he thought it should be serious. He eventually embraced the sense of humor and gifts of laughter. I'm very glad because he motivates me to show up every week. There's also a guy who has to be close to 100 years old, but I guess, 100 is the new 80. He usually speaks briefly and loudly, but I listen to every word because he's wise and a wise ass. Love it! I hope to be like him someday just saying whatever comes to mind and not really caring if others judge. I think wrinkles represent wisdom anyway. I haven't earned my wrinkles, yet.
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