~To keep the body in good health is a duty...otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear~ Buddha
I love Buddha bellies on babies. I think they're the most adorable things. One of my nieces had the cutest Buddha belly ever and now she's a string bean. I would tickle her Buddha belly and blow on it to make a sound, so she would laugh. Some of my favorite moments in life. In my adoption picture, I was a little sumo wrestler. My foster home said that I was a good eater and they weren't lying. I was chubbylicious and I wish I could reach in the pic and pick me up. As I grew up, I learned to hate my Buddha belly.
In "Helping Women Recover," Dr Stephanie S Covington says that addiction for women complicates the already complicated relationship with their bodies. Those of us addicted, usually neglected our bodies or obsessed about having the perfect bodies. I developed a negative body image around kindergarten. I started taking diet pills in high school and that continued on and off through college. I also began starving myself in high school and it went in spurts throughout my life until I went to rehab. I started binging more after college and at times, took laxatives. Sometimes, I'd overeat by going to different fast food places in one night and then binge in private in my car or I'd order multiple meals from a delivery place and then binge alone in my home. At times, I sat on the bathroom floor, leaned over the toilet, stuck my finger down my throat and tried throwing up. Binging and purging also stopped when I went to rehab. I used alcohol and drugs to numb the depression and anxiety associated with my body. Pretty sexy and glamorous images and all for the perfect body that would never be attainable in my mind.
With clean and sober bodies, Dr Covington says that many women confuse pleasurable sensations - the sensual - with sexual feelings. She says that sensuality has to do with bodily sensations. I think sexual abuse complicates things further, but I can completely relate to this as I used to feel guilty about normal sensations such as pleasure. Until recently, I felt guilty about things like taking a bath or watching a movie that gave me pleasurable feelings and it didn't even have to be a sex scene. My girlfriends would cry or say that they cried during certain shows or movies and I could never get to that point for the majority of my life. I tried forcing myself to cry and then I started feeling like a bad person h because I couldn't cry.
During outpatient treatment last week, we were given an outline of a woman's body front and back. We marked the parts of the body that we liked and felt satisfied with by using plus signs. Minus signs represented the parts that we didn't like, hated, or felt uncomfortable with. The parts we felt neutral about, we used circles. Of course, "all or nothing" me either liked or hated certain parts. I liked my hair, neck, chest, forearms, wrists, hands and feet. I hated the rest. I probably had the worst body image in the group, but all the women had something negative to say. After we finished sharing, the counselors asked how we all felt and I said that I felt really sad that we all hated our bodies so much because we weren't born that way. I felt angry that the media contributed to the hatred of our bodies by calling some celebrity women fat for being a size 4 or even 2. I thought about how my 5 year old nieces have high self esteem and love themselves now and I would be devastated if they went through what I have with the hatred and destruction of my body.
My nieces and nephews have inspired me to turn my mind around on body image. For too long, I've allowed all this negativity to freely occupy a lot of space in my mind and it cost me my sanity. I've finally made peace with my body. It takes a lot of energy to hate. I'm implementing steps to gain confidence in my body by joining a gym and working with a trainer. I want to be the role model to my nieces and nephews that I never had in regards to body image. I've put my body through a lot and it's truly amazing that I still have my health. I am beautiful inside and out because God made me. I had no control over my creation; the good, the bad and the ugly. All I can do is embrace or improve what I got. I have a passion for art and love creativity and imagination. Now that I'm sober, I see God's artistry everywhere and in everyone, so to put myself down, is like mocking an Artist's work.
I love Buddha bellies on babies. I think they're the most adorable things. One of my nieces had the cutest Buddha belly ever and now she's a string bean. I would tickle her Buddha belly and blow on it to make a sound, so she would laugh. Some of my favorite moments in life. In my adoption picture, I was a little sumo wrestler. My foster home said that I was a good eater and they weren't lying. I was chubbylicious and I wish I could reach in the pic and pick me up. As I grew up, I learned to hate my Buddha belly.
In "Helping Women Recover," Dr Stephanie S Covington says that addiction for women complicates the already complicated relationship with their bodies. Those of us addicted, usually neglected our bodies or obsessed about having the perfect bodies. I developed a negative body image around kindergarten. I started taking diet pills in high school and that continued on and off through college. I also began starving myself in high school and it went in spurts throughout my life until I went to rehab. I started binging more after college and at times, took laxatives. Sometimes, I'd overeat by going to different fast food places in one night and then binge in private in my car or I'd order multiple meals from a delivery place and then binge alone in my home. At times, I sat on the bathroom floor, leaned over the toilet, stuck my finger down my throat and tried throwing up. Binging and purging also stopped when I went to rehab. I used alcohol and drugs to numb the depression and anxiety associated with my body. Pretty sexy and glamorous images and all for the perfect body that would never be attainable in my mind.
With clean and sober bodies, Dr Covington says that many women confuse pleasurable sensations - the sensual - with sexual feelings. She says that sensuality has to do with bodily sensations. I think sexual abuse complicates things further, but I can completely relate to this as I used to feel guilty about normal sensations such as pleasure. Until recently, I felt guilty about things like taking a bath or watching a movie that gave me pleasurable feelings and it didn't even have to be a sex scene. My girlfriends would cry or say that they cried during certain shows or movies and I could never get to that point for the majority of my life. I tried forcing myself to cry and then I started feeling like a bad person h because I couldn't cry.
During outpatient treatment last week, we were given an outline of a woman's body front and back. We marked the parts of the body that we liked and felt satisfied with by using plus signs. Minus signs represented the parts that we didn't like, hated, or felt uncomfortable with. The parts we felt neutral about, we used circles. Of course, "all or nothing" me either liked or hated certain parts. I liked my hair, neck, chest, forearms, wrists, hands and feet. I hated the rest. I probably had the worst body image in the group, but all the women had something negative to say. After we finished sharing, the counselors asked how we all felt and I said that I felt really sad that we all hated our bodies so much because we weren't born that way. I felt angry that the media contributed to the hatred of our bodies by calling some celebrity women fat for being a size 4 or even 2. I thought about how my 5 year old nieces have high self esteem and love themselves now and I would be devastated if they went through what I have with the hatred and destruction of my body.
My nieces and nephews have inspired me to turn my mind around on body image. For too long, I've allowed all this negativity to freely occupy a lot of space in my mind and it cost me my sanity. I've finally made peace with my body. It takes a lot of energy to hate. I'm implementing steps to gain confidence in my body by joining a gym and working with a trainer. I want to be the role model to my nieces and nephews that I never had in regards to body image. I've put my body through a lot and it's truly amazing that I still have my health. I am beautiful inside and out because God made me. I had no control over my creation; the good, the bad and the ugly. All I can do is embrace or improve what I got. I have a passion for art and love creativity and imagination. Now that I'm sober, I see God's artistry everywhere and in everyone, so to put myself down, is like mocking an Artist's work.
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