~Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated~ Confucius
I start back at work in a couple days. I'm excited to bug my fellow cube friends on a daily basis again. I'm a bit nervous like it's the first day back at school, but I feel strong and ready to practice all my stress relieving techniques that I've learned. I'm not beneath lying in my cube anymore and breathing or busting out some yoga moves. I'm going to treat stress as I do other feelings like anger, pain, sadness, etc. I'll recognize and acknowledge each moment and figure out what I can do to help myself. Worry and stress felt like productive emotions in the past, but ultimately, the methods I used to cope with these debilitating feelings put me in rehab. I feel empowered to not freak out anymore. It's not healthy for my mind, body and spirit, so I'm going to attempt to remain balanced in my personal as well as professional life. Also, now that I have a clear head, I notice different quirks about people; not good or bad. Just things that make people unique and special. The workplace is full of quirky people like myself, so I'm looking forward to the circus for my senses.
I was reorganizing my iPhone calendar since 40 hours a week will now be dedicated to work. As I entered all the activities, my heart started pounding harder as I was running out of time. I haven't had a panic attack since December and now that I'm off Paxil, there have been moments when I've been on the cusp of one. I had to take a step back and figure out what schedule is realistic as a big part of my recovery is stress management. I have my outpatient treatment, AA and Celebrate Recovery meetings and medical appointments for my car accident still and other stuff. My church offers more than a hundred different volunteer events, groups and classes, so I signed up for like 10 different things. I have my personal training and workout schedule. Plus, I love hanging out with my friends on the weekends and summer is coming up, so that means a couple different tennis leagues and other sports. I can't complain though. I don't think they had as much leisure time back in the Pioneer Days and I don't have a spouse and kids, so I'm blessed to have free time. I just need to learn how to manage it well like all other things in my life.
It's back to basics for me; separating needs from wants. My ultimate goal for the remainder of my life is to remain sober because if I don't, I will fail all of my dreams. I've heard it gets easier, but I need to remain conscious and vigilant about everything happening in my life as I strictly focus on sobriety. Everything I do needs to support my recovery. Of course, implementing fun in my life also plays a big role. In my adult life, I don't remember the last time I felt bored, so I'm good at entertaining myself whether it's napping or playing sports. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but I actually enjoy doing things soberly. I used to confuse sensual with sexual, but have learned in treatment that sensual just means anything relating to or affecting the senses. It's been fun being conscious of everything around me and not numbing my senses anymore. I've found that I'm a very sensual person who now enjoys feeling pleasure and I'm very sensitive to energy. I can usually walk into a room or be near a person and feel how they're feeling. I think as women that's one of our innate gifts to help with things like raising children. I also believe that's why I had a harder time adjusting to a dysfunctional home environment growing up. I love surrounding myself with positivity now and trusting my instincts.
In other news, boys are weird. The hot trainer must have had the day off because he was wearing regular workout clothes instead of his work workout clothes. Anyway, he was biking in front of me, so of course, I had to stare at his muscley back. He went to free weights and then I went to the stomach twisting machine. I could see him out of the corner of my eye while he walked over and got a drink from the fountain next to me. I tried sucking in my muffin tops and stared straight ahead. Then, I was on the lat pull machine and he came around and did pull ups or something. I couldn't watch because the stupid pillar was blocking me. I was on a break from pulling my lats when he walked around the pillar inches from me. He looked at me, so I said hi, but he didn't say hi back. Weird, but fun.
I start back at work in a couple days. I'm excited to bug my fellow cube friends on a daily basis again. I'm a bit nervous like it's the first day back at school, but I feel strong and ready to practice all my stress relieving techniques that I've learned. I'm not beneath lying in my cube anymore and breathing or busting out some yoga moves. I'm going to treat stress as I do other feelings like anger, pain, sadness, etc. I'll recognize and acknowledge each moment and figure out what I can do to help myself. Worry and stress felt like productive emotions in the past, but ultimately, the methods I used to cope with these debilitating feelings put me in rehab. I feel empowered to not freak out anymore. It's not healthy for my mind, body and spirit, so I'm going to attempt to remain balanced in my personal as well as professional life. Also, now that I have a clear head, I notice different quirks about people; not good or bad. Just things that make people unique and special. The workplace is full of quirky people like myself, so I'm looking forward to the circus for my senses.
I was reorganizing my iPhone calendar since 40 hours a week will now be dedicated to work. As I entered all the activities, my heart started pounding harder as I was running out of time. I haven't had a panic attack since December and now that I'm off Paxil, there have been moments when I've been on the cusp of one. I had to take a step back and figure out what schedule is realistic as a big part of my recovery is stress management. I have my outpatient treatment, AA and Celebrate Recovery meetings and medical appointments for my car accident still and other stuff. My church offers more than a hundred different volunteer events, groups and classes, so I signed up for like 10 different things. I have my personal training and workout schedule. Plus, I love hanging out with my friends on the weekends and summer is coming up, so that means a couple different tennis leagues and other sports. I can't complain though. I don't think they had as much leisure time back in the Pioneer Days and I don't have a spouse and kids, so I'm blessed to have free time. I just need to learn how to manage it well like all other things in my life.
It's back to basics for me; separating needs from wants. My ultimate goal for the remainder of my life is to remain sober because if I don't, I will fail all of my dreams. I've heard it gets easier, but I need to remain conscious and vigilant about everything happening in my life as I strictly focus on sobriety. Everything I do needs to support my recovery. Of course, implementing fun in my life also plays a big role. In my adult life, I don't remember the last time I felt bored, so I'm good at entertaining myself whether it's napping or playing sports. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but I actually enjoy doing things soberly. I used to confuse sensual with sexual, but have learned in treatment that sensual just means anything relating to or affecting the senses. It's been fun being conscious of everything around me and not numbing my senses anymore. I've found that I'm a very sensual person who now enjoys feeling pleasure and I'm very sensitive to energy. I can usually walk into a room or be near a person and feel how they're feeling. I think as women that's one of our innate gifts to help with things like raising children. I also believe that's why I had a harder time adjusting to a dysfunctional home environment growing up. I love surrounding myself with positivity now and trusting my instincts.
In other news, boys are weird. The hot trainer must have had the day off because he was wearing regular workout clothes instead of his work workout clothes. Anyway, he was biking in front of me, so of course, I had to stare at his muscley back. He went to free weights and then I went to the stomach twisting machine. I could see him out of the corner of my eye while he walked over and got a drink from the fountain next to me. I tried sucking in my muffin tops and stared straight ahead. Then, I was on the lat pull machine and he came around and did pull ups or something. I couldn't watch because the stupid pillar was blocking me. I was on a break from pulling my lats when he walked around the pillar inches from me. He looked at me, so I said hi, but he didn't say hi back. Weird, but fun.
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