~A life lived of choice is a life of conscious action. A life lived of chance is a life of unconscious creation~ Neale Donald Walsch
I spent a lot of my life with a woe-is-me attitude. I was so reactive and felt powerless. I would tell God how angry I was at Him and wondered why He would not take me out of my miserable life to experience peace and happiness in Heaven. I was living unconsciously most of the time trying to pull the plug on my own life, but God was the barrier who kept holding it in for some reason. I guess it wasn't my time to go and I needed to figure out how to pull myself out from under the chaos. There was a brief moment a couple years ago when I thought that my life may be better if I didn't drink. It was probably God whispering to me, but I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol at the time. I felt that it was the only thing that provided a respite from misery.
I went to therapy Wednesday night after work. I'm still seeing the same therapist whom I saw while in rehab. In our last meeting, I had revealed what I thought were some pretty shameful things and it took a few a few months of meetings to feel comfortable enough disclosing these events. I tried talking to my first therapist a few years ago, but she was just out of psychology school and her inexperience and ineffectiveness left me with a bad taste for therapy. It's emotionally exhausting talking about the most painful events in your life and I didn't have the energy to seek out a more capable therapist until I went to rehab. It was freeing to reveal deeply held secrets with someone capable enough to handle them. It takes a lot of effort and time to consciously heal from 34 years of stuff. It's somewhat countercultural as there is no quick fix; no pill to pop or same day procedure. To avoid feeling too discouraged, I have to keep reminding myself that it takes longer than 101 days to heal a broken heart.
I spent a lot of my life with a woe-is-me attitude. I was so reactive and felt powerless. I would tell God how angry I was at Him and wondered why He would not take me out of my miserable life to experience peace and happiness in Heaven. I was living unconsciously most of the time trying to pull the plug on my own life, but God was the barrier who kept holding it in for some reason. I guess it wasn't my time to go and I needed to figure out how to pull myself out from under the chaos. There was a brief moment a couple years ago when I thought that my life may be better if I didn't drink. It was probably God whispering to me, but I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol at the time. I felt that it was the only thing that provided a respite from misery.
I went to therapy Wednesday night after work. I'm still seeing the same therapist whom I saw while in rehab. In our last meeting, I had revealed what I thought were some pretty shameful things and it took a few a few months of meetings to feel comfortable enough disclosing these events. I tried talking to my first therapist a few years ago, but she was just out of psychology school and her inexperience and ineffectiveness left me with a bad taste for therapy. It's emotionally exhausting talking about the most painful events in your life and I didn't have the energy to seek out a more capable therapist until I went to rehab. It was freeing to reveal deeply held secrets with someone capable enough to handle them. It takes a lot of effort and time to consciously heal from 34 years of stuff. It's somewhat countercultural as there is no quick fix; no pill to pop or same day procedure. To avoid feeling too discouraged, I have to keep reminding myself that it takes longer than 101 days to heal a broken heart.
2 comments:
You still have a woe-is-me attitude. This entire blog is a woe is me attitude personified, fleshed out and published for everyone to see and take pity on you. You paint yourself as a victim first and then a hero who has overcome the callousness and abuse of others to find a path to salvation. You vow to help others who are similarly afflicted.
You say elsewhere in this blog that you are responsible for your drinking and that you don't blame others for that. It's a throw-away sentence right out of the AA handbook. Then you spend the rest of your post (and several others) telling us how your dysfunctional family caused you pain and you used drinking to escape from that pain.
It's time for you to truly become accountable for YOUR actions and list here the people YOU hurt and how YOU hurt them. Talk about the reckless disregard you had for other people in the past while pursuing your alcohol medicated therapy. Think of things from their perspective and understand that you caused them pain, stress and emotional anxiety by your actions and the choices you made. Talk about how you could have been a better person, but chose not to be because you were either unwilling or unable.
For your next blog don't mention anything about how others hurt you - you've done plenty of that. Tell us how you hurt others. And don't leave anything out. Remember it all and pour it out. Too long? Break it up over a week. Let's hear all your regrets and how sorry you are.
I'm sure you're already thinking of ways to attack me and this comment in your next blog, rather than really take the full responsibility you should. Resist that urge and find true healing will begin when you're ready to confess, apologize and ask for forgiveness of the PEOPLE you hurt, not just God.
I am posting this as anonymous because who I am is completely irrelevant. This is not going to be a tit-for-tat so you don't need to bother responding to this post. The full confession you need to give and true acceptance of the consequences of your past behavior is what's needed for you to actually change who you are and start to improve your life. If you think you've already done that here, you haven't.
You need to fundamentally change your whole approach. Not many people can do that because it can take several years and it can be very painful and even depressing. But it is needed to truly heal.
Good luck.
unlike her, you havent got the balls to say who you really are. It takes real BALLS to release all the garbage thats been holding her prisoner. Sounds like you have enough of your own issues. Maybe you should try blogging about your issues too. its way easy to attack under anonymous.
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