~When you're through changing, you're through~ Martha Stewart
"You remind me of Martha Stewart," my therapist said the other day. "I love her!" I said. "Why?" She asked with her nose squished. "Because she went to jail," I smiled. It gives her some street cred as a billionaire. She said in an interview that she could sleep anywhere, so she was fine sleeping in prison. While doing chores there, she mentioned that she kept her areas the cleanest that they've ever been. In rehab, I cleaned everything from the bathroom to the kitchen and made them the cleanest and most disinfected, too. I've been a nomad most of my adult life, so I'm comfortable sleeping in any environment as well. I personally think she's a brilliant business woman, but I know my therapist wasn't making that connection with me.
While in treatment, every word and action is somewhat under a microscope by staff which has been at times, disconcerting for an independent person like myself. Before our once a week sessions, my therapist meets with my counselors from group who provide feedback and then my therapist sometimes relays the information to me. My counselors said that I opened up well during the Spirituality section of the curriculum as I continue to work on that part of my life, but they were concerned that while participating in the Self section, that I may have come across as inauthentic. My therapist doesn't attend outpatient groups with me, but she did attend many groups during inpatient treatment. She knows my history of having a hard time connecting words to emotions, so I can understand how some may interpret this as disingenuous and Martha-ish.
I'm more aware of this behavior, so I feel that I've made small improvements. I realize though that I still have a lot of work to do in connecting my mind and body. I catch myself smiling sometimes while talking about painful things in group because I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but instead, some may think that I'm being fake or dishonest. It was a survival mechanism that I used in the past, but I need to learn to let it go if I want to build relationships and help people. If I was a guy, some people wouldn't think twice about me being out of touch with my emotions. However, I know that I'm deselfing by ignoring or hiding certain feelings. I didn't have many close girlfriends in the past because they expressed emotions and I was really uncomfortable with my own, so one of my deepest regrets was my inability to connect well with some amazing women that I've met throughout my life.
I let my therapist know that I've been honest about everything in group and felt comfortable enough to reveal things that I hadn't during rehab. Some women from group have reached out to me for advice because they said that they appreciated my openness, so I was curious about the disconnect with my peers and staff. My therapist commented that if I appeared to have it all together and sounded like a know-it-all, I might make the other women in group feel intimidated or like they don't measure up. I assured her that I've bonded with the other women through talking about all of my struggles and relating when I could to their problems and pain. I am aware that when I feel anxious, insecure and vulnerable during some social settings when I'm not around friends or family, I can come across as cold, aloof or stuck-up, so I scheduled a meeting with my counselors to understand their thoughts. Perception is someone's reality and truth and since I'm working hard at self improvement, I need help on not coming across as Martha-ish when it comes to my emotions.
"You remind me of Martha Stewart," my therapist said the other day. "I love her!" I said. "Why?" She asked with her nose squished. "Because she went to jail," I smiled. It gives her some street cred as a billionaire. She said in an interview that she could sleep anywhere, so she was fine sleeping in prison. While doing chores there, she mentioned that she kept her areas the cleanest that they've ever been. In rehab, I cleaned everything from the bathroom to the kitchen and made them the cleanest and most disinfected, too. I've been a nomad most of my adult life, so I'm comfortable sleeping in any environment as well. I personally think she's a brilliant business woman, but I know my therapist wasn't making that connection with me.
While in treatment, every word and action is somewhat under a microscope by staff which has been at times, disconcerting for an independent person like myself. Before our once a week sessions, my therapist meets with my counselors from group who provide feedback and then my therapist sometimes relays the information to me. My counselors said that I opened up well during the Spirituality section of the curriculum as I continue to work on that part of my life, but they were concerned that while participating in the Self section, that I may have come across as inauthentic. My therapist doesn't attend outpatient groups with me, but she did attend many groups during inpatient treatment. She knows my history of having a hard time connecting words to emotions, so I can understand how some may interpret this as disingenuous and Martha-ish.
I'm more aware of this behavior, so I feel that I've made small improvements. I realize though that I still have a lot of work to do in connecting my mind and body. I catch myself smiling sometimes while talking about painful things in group because I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but instead, some may think that I'm being fake or dishonest. It was a survival mechanism that I used in the past, but I need to learn to let it go if I want to build relationships and help people. If I was a guy, some people wouldn't think twice about me being out of touch with my emotions. However, I know that I'm deselfing by ignoring or hiding certain feelings. I didn't have many close girlfriends in the past because they expressed emotions and I was really uncomfortable with my own, so one of my deepest regrets was my inability to connect well with some amazing women that I've met throughout my life.
I let my therapist know that I've been honest about everything in group and felt comfortable enough to reveal things that I hadn't during rehab. Some women from group have reached out to me for advice because they said that they appreciated my openness, so I was curious about the disconnect with my peers and staff. My therapist commented that if I appeared to have it all together and sounded like a know-it-all, I might make the other women in group feel intimidated or like they don't measure up. I assured her that I've bonded with the other women through talking about all of my struggles and relating when I could to their problems and pain. I am aware that when I feel anxious, insecure and vulnerable during some social settings when I'm not around friends or family, I can come across as cold, aloof or stuck-up, so I scheduled a meeting with my counselors to understand their thoughts. Perception is someone's reality and truth and since I'm working hard at self improvement, I need help on not coming across as Martha-ish when it comes to my emotions.
1 comment:
smile when it hurts the most I guess.
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