~It was so important for me to lose everything, because I found out what the most important thing is, which is to be true to yourself~ Ellen DeGeneres
For most of my life prior to rehab, I had absolutely no sense of self. Nothing was ever good enough because I never felt good enough. I was a mold of a person with a hollow soul. I focused on ornamenting the outside as everything was for the appearance of normalcy. While deep in my addiction, the mold began to crack and the shallowness was exposed. I was fearful and ashamed.
The age-old questions of "who am I" and "why am I here" are ones that I'm gratefully working to answer now. I've been attending outpatient treatment on Monday and Thursday nights from 6-9 for the last couple months. With work, those days get pretty long. I usually try to workout and create endorphins before treatment. I feel that the physical and emotional work are strengthening my heart and building endurance. However, both can be draining at times.
Last Monday after treatment, I got in my car and I was shaking. I listened to music and drove to calm down. Each one of us was asked to spend about 10 minutes listing the people, events and experiences that have shaped our lives. It could be either positive or negative. It was intense listening to the other women share their stories. Here are my lists.
People
my best friend since high school
my first love
mom - emotionally and physically abusive
dad - sexually and physically abusive
brother - sexually abusive
sisters - isolated from the family while growing up
maternal grandma/favorite auntie - great entertainers, loving, generous, kind, great sense of humor
ex-husband - alcoholic, gambling addict, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive
Events
adoption
k-12
college
jobs
study abroad
almost getting a DUI
car accident
marriage
divorce
nieces/nephews
rehab
baptism
disowned by birth/adopted parents
tennis and other sports
Experiences
wife
daughter
learning to be a friend
auntie
abandonment
neglect
abuse
isolation
disassociation
eating disorders
workaholic
alcoholism
drug addiction
shopping addiction
sex addiction
learning to be intimate
accepting sensuality and pleasure
For most of my life prior to rehab, I had absolutely no sense of self. Nothing was ever good enough because I never felt good enough. I was a mold of a person with a hollow soul. I focused on ornamenting the outside as everything was for the appearance of normalcy. While deep in my addiction, the mold began to crack and the shallowness was exposed. I was fearful and ashamed.
The age-old questions of "who am I" and "why am I here" are ones that I'm gratefully working to answer now. I've been attending outpatient treatment on Monday and Thursday nights from 6-9 for the last couple months. With work, those days get pretty long. I usually try to workout and create endorphins before treatment. I feel that the physical and emotional work are strengthening my heart and building endurance. However, both can be draining at times.
Last Monday after treatment, I got in my car and I was shaking. I listened to music and drove to calm down. Each one of us was asked to spend about 10 minutes listing the people, events and experiences that have shaped our lives. It could be either positive or negative. It was intense listening to the other women share their stories. Here are my lists.
People
my best friend since high school
my first love
mom - emotionally and physically abusive
dad - sexually and physically abusive
brother - sexually abusive
sisters - isolated from the family while growing up
maternal grandma/favorite auntie - great entertainers, loving, generous, kind, great sense of humor
ex-husband - alcoholic, gambling addict, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive
Events
adoption
k-12
college
jobs
study abroad
almost getting a DUI
car accident
marriage
divorce
nieces/nephews
rehab
baptism
disowned by birth/adopted parents
tennis and other sports
Experiences
wife
daughter
learning to be a friend
auntie
abandonment
neglect
abuse
isolation
disassociation
eating disorders
workaholic
alcoholism
drug addiction
shopping addiction
sex addiction
learning to be intimate
accepting sensuality and pleasure
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