~People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk~ Stephen King
My therapist asked about my dreams and I told her about reoccurring nightmares of falling from a tall building or from the sky. Depending on the night, sometimes I wake up before or after hitting the ground. I've also had various dreams of being chased. Sometimes armed men chase me through different houses or from room to room firing at me. In the last one I had, I was chased through the woods. I jumped through ponds and ran through caves before hitting a rock wall where I couldn't escape. When I'm trapped, caught or hit by a bullet, I immediately wake up. As a kid, the myth was that if you die in your dreams, then you die in real life. It made me nervous into adulthood, but I'm still breathing. I've also had nightmares of people being violently killed by others in front of me. These dreams are quite vivid and I've woken up in cold sweats. It's been a couple months since my last nightmare, so the frequency is decreasing from a few times a month. I thought everyone had dreams like these occasionally, but my therapist told me no which kind of surprised me. I should have tracked my dreams during that dark period in my life. I think it would've been insightful and revealing to compare these to what was happening in my life at the time.
During my session Wednesday evening, my counselor joined us for a few minutes and said that my last day of group would be the next day. I had been given a heads up at the last group that this might happen. She said that they felt that I had reaped all the benefits from this group. My initial reaction was that they were kicking me out because of our meeting about inauthenticity, but I agreed that I had learned what I needed. My counselor isn't one of those warm and fuzzy types, so I didn't get much recognition, validation or assurance that I did a good job and "it's time to leave the nest" type speeches. One of the benefits that I gained during this group was confidence. It was becoming part of my vocab and I began adding it as one of my strengths on various assignments. Confidence helped me in this situation because I didn't need affirmation from her because I knew that I had worked hard and did a pretty good job. My counselor confirmed that I hadn't done anything wrong and I would be moving on to join a 6-week group that met once a week. It even had guys in it. I relaxed after hearing that I was leaving on good terms and was excited to gain an extra week night. This was progress and I trusted that they would not have moved me if I wasn't ready.
By leaving group a couple weeks early though, I was missing out on the Moms section of the curriculum which talks about the sometimes complicated mother-daughter relationship. I found that to be a common theme among many women in treatment. They delayed having me start this current 12-week program back in January because they didn't want me entering during Moms due to the emotional intensity. However, I was disappointed about missing out because I I was interested in learning more due to my own difficult relationship with my mother, so my counselor said that I could just review that part individually with herself or my therapist. I had also been bummed in January about staying an extra few weeks doing inpatient work and watching all my friends graduate before me, but I guess, the time "served" was paying off because I was getting out of this group early. The plan was to work 6 more weeks with my therapist as well.
Later that night, I worked out with my trainer at the gym and then tried a kickbox cardio class which is a great workout, but I definitely made a fool out of myself. I can't punch properly especially during quick punching routines. I felt like an idiot, but still had fun. If I ever had to do hand-to-hand combat with the people in my nightmares, I'd look like a total nerd.
My therapist asked about my dreams and I told her about reoccurring nightmares of falling from a tall building or from the sky. Depending on the night, sometimes I wake up before or after hitting the ground. I've also had various dreams of being chased. Sometimes armed men chase me through different houses or from room to room firing at me. In the last one I had, I was chased through the woods. I jumped through ponds and ran through caves before hitting a rock wall where I couldn't escape. When I'm trapped, caught or hit by a bullet, I immediately wake up. As a kid, the myth was that if you die in your dreams, then you die in real life. It made me nervous into adulthood, but I'm still breathing. I've also had nightmares of people being violently killed by others in front of me. These dreams are quite vivid and I've woken up in cold sweats. It's been a couple months since my last nightmare, so the frequency is decreasing from a few times a month. I thought everyone had dreams like these occasionally, but my therapist told me no which kind of surprised me. I should have tracked my dreams during that dark period in my life. I think it would've been insightful and revealing to compare these to what was happening in my life at the time.
During my session Wednesday evening, my counselor joined us for a few minutes and said that my last day of group would be the next day. I had been given a heads up at the last group that this might happen. She said that they felt that I had reaped all the benefits from this group. My initial reaction was that they were kicking me out because of our meeting about inauthenticity, but I agreed that I had learned what I needed. My counselor isn't one of those warm and fuzzy types, so I didn't get much recognition, validation or assurance that I did a good job and "it's time to leave the nest" type speeches. One of the benefits that I gained during this group was confidence. It was becoming part of my vocab and I began adding it as one of my strengths on various assignments. Confidence helped me in this situation because I didn't need affirmation from her because I knew that I had worked hard and did a pretty good job. My counselor confirmed that I hadn't done anything wrong and I would be moving on to join a 6-week group that met once a week. It even had guys in it. I relaxed after hearing that I was leaving on good terms and was excited to gain an extra week night. This was progress and I trusted that they would not have moved me if I wasn't ready.
By leaving group a couple weeks early though, I was missing out on the Moms section of the curriculum which talks about the sometimes complicated mother-daughter relationship. I found that to be a common theme among many women in treatment. They delayed having me start this current 12-week program back in January because they didn't want me entering during Moms due to the emotional intensity. However, I was disappointed about missing out because I I was interested in learning more due to my own difficult relationship with my mother, so my counselor said that I could just review that part individually with herself or my therapist. I had also been bummed in January about staying an extra few weeks doing inpatient work and watching all my friends graduate before me, but I guess, the time "served" was paying off because I was getting out of this group early. The plan was to work 6 more weeks with my therapist as well.
Later that night, I worked out with my trainer at the gym and then tried a kickbox cardio class which is a great workout, but I definitely made a fool out of myself. I can't punch properly especially during quick punching routines. I felt like an idiot, but still had fun. If I ever had to do hand-to-hand combat with the people in my nightmares, I'd look like a total nerd.
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