~When the defects of others are perceived with so much clarity, it is because one possesses them oneself~ Jules Renard
It was the day I was scheduled to meet with my counselors about their perception that I may have been disingenuous during the Self section of the curriculum. As I thought about it more, it increasingly irritated me. I equated it to a closeted person telling the un-closeted one that they were inauthentic. I have been open and honest inside and even, outside of treatment and I'm the disingenuous one?! I'm good at working myself up and preparing for a full armored defense, so I decided to stop this time and not ruminate until I had a chance to speak with my counselors.
I discovered running a few weeks ago, but I'm not a natural runner who always enjoys it. Over that weekend, I ran 7 miles without stopping for the first time ever in my life. I usually struggle the first mile or feel like dying the entire time, but on that day, it felt effortless from start to finish and I experienced my first runner's high. It felt exhilarating even though it was just on the treadmill at the gym. It helped with stress and put things in perspective. I know that I'm not perfect, so feedback is good. I usually don't give feedback unless people ask because I don't want to offend people, so in some respect, it's a brave thing for someone to do for someone else if their heart is in the right place.
One of the toughest jobs in the world would be President of this country as almost everyone in the world has an opinion, criticism or feedback for every action or inaction. To be under that kind of scrutiny is unimaginable to me, so I guess, my point is that it could always be worse. I'm obviously not in the public spotlight, so at least, most of the feedback that I receive is from people who have my best interest at heart and want me to succeed. This is a new prospective for me as I used to think that most people wanted me to fail. It's a very difficult and unnerving way to live when you view the world this way.
I finally met with my counselors who were concerned that I was holding back or felt uncomfortable sharing because of my emotional disconnection. I told them about some of my background growing up and they understood that my disassociation was a way of survival. They also wanted to be sure that my new found confidence was genuine and not masking anything. They said that people don't typically display this level of confidence at this point in treatment, but later on in our conversation, they rightly attributed this to the few extra weeks that I spent doing inpatient classes and the spirituality work. I agree that all the effort has definitely contributed to building my confidence and self esteem. I assured them that I wasn't stuffing my feelings like I used to and that I just had trouble openly sharing some emotions. I told them how I'm able to connect in private or while working with my therapist, but I'd work on connecting with these in group. Overall, they just wanted to make sure that I was okay and it was a positive meeting.
Later in group, I had a glimpse back in time as I saw my 29-year-old self reflecting back at me when I heard a girl of that age struggling with her identity and longing for clarity. She was a perfectionist who didn't like her recent weight gain and hated buying bigger clothes. She didn't like how she looked and had plastic surgery in the past, but desired more. She was a victim of sexual trauma, but like most women, she minimized and internalized the pain. I learned that about 75% of female addicts have experienced sexual abuse, but one of my counselors said that in her experience, it's affected about 90% of her clients. This woman was beautiful on the outside with a good job, house, designer car and clothes to mask the ugliness inside. She shopped a lot and spent money to fill voids. She admitted that she could come off as a snob, but I believe this was her way of keeping people away.
When the counselor commented that it must be exhausting to be perfect, she agreed that it was difficult. She believed there was nothing wrong with striving for perfection as one could always improve. However, it's impossible to troubleshoot or improve your life when you don't think anything is wrong or you think that you're perfect. I think the difference between self-improvement and perfection is that perfection always results in failure. It's hard to celebrate self-improvement milestones when you're aiming for perfection as you will always fall short and will never be good enough. It creates a lot of stress and anxiety which are perfect justifications to drink or use drugs. These were always my favorite excuses.
She was training for a marathon and wanted to remain sober while she trained, so someone recommended that she come here which seemed like an extreme measure. If someone recommends a treatment center as part of your training regime, you might have a problem. I could relate to this girl in so many ways though as I could see her denial and frustration. She described her fiance as a functional alcoholic and instead of drinking and driving anymore, they would get bombed at home instead. However, she didn't believe that she was an alcoholic. I expressed to her that I saw a lot of myself in her at that age. I told her that I was a recovering addict as well as perfectionist and I hoped that she would accept help because from 29 to 34, my disease quickly spread. I consider it a metastatic disease like cancer. I fortunately caught it before it seriously affected other organs besides my brain, but metaphorically, it affected my heart along with all other parts of my body and spirit. I wanted her to treat the disease now to prevent a lot of misery and pain in the future.
She said that she couldn't relate to any of us and that she's never experienced hitting bottom, but I think that if she had honestly taken a look, she would have seen her reflection. She was superficial, tormented and isolated, but at least, she showed up to treatment which is more than I did at her age. She began feeling challenged in group as she was forced to take a glimpse inside, but she said that she planned on drinking after her marathon and drinking the best wine at her wedding overseas. Some of the women in group expressed irritation that she was using treatment as part of her marathon training and some questioned her beliefs about not having a problem.
I was beginning to feel a little frustrated with her, too, but when I was addicted, my irrational thinking was rational to me as well. I didn't find clarity until the consequences outweighed the comforts and I got clean. I asked her why she was here if she thought that she could control it? She was outwardly annoyed with all of our questions. She responded again that she was there for clarity and then said that she didn't need this anymore. She grabbed her stuff and dramatically left in a huff. This happened at The House a few times, so I had been exposed to this behavior before and wasn't shock. It was a reality check on this awful disease. If she reflects on the night that she left treatment because she was unwilling to do any of the internal work, she will gain the clarity in which she sought.
I found this person unlikeable in her current state because she was an image of my former self, but I felt compassion for her as she battled with her own demons. I wasn't happy that she left group. I felt slightly guilty that I was the last person to ask her a question before she walked out, but none of the counselors said anything to me. I felt really sad for her. She kept people at a distance and thought that she knew everything. Her heart was hardened by things that had occurred in her life and she greatly suffered, but she wasn't ready to get better, yet. Everyone is on their own journey. My counselor said that there is a rule of thirds when it comes to treatment. A third will remain sober, a third will relapse and a third will die. My prayer and wish for her is that she survives and experiences peace and love in her heart that she deserves.
It was the day I was scheduled to meet with my counselors about their perception that I may have been disingenuous during the Self section of the curriculum. As I thought about it more, it increasingly irritated me. I equated it to a closeted person telling the un-closeted one that they were inauthentic. I have been open and honest inside and even, outside of treatment and I'm the disingenuous one?! I'm good at working myself up and preparing for a full armored defense, so I decided to stop this time and not ruminate until I had a chance to speak with my counselors.
I discovered running a few weeks ago, but I'm not a natural runner who always enjoys it. Over that weekend, I ran 7 miles without stopping for the first time ever in my life. I usually struggle the first mile or feel like dying the entire time, but on that day, it felt effortless from start to finish and I experienced my first runner's high. It felt exhilarating even though it was just on the treadmill at the gym. It helped with stress and put things in perspective. I know that I'm not perfect, so feedback is good. I usually don't give feedback unless people ask because I don't want to offend people, so in some respect, it's a brave thing for someone to do for someone else if their heart is in the right place.
One of the toughest jobs in the world would be President of this country as almost everyone in the world has an opinion, criticism or feedback for every action or inaction. To be under that kind of scrutiny is unimaginable to me, so I guess, my point is that it could always be worse. I'm obviously not in the public spotlight, so at least, most of the feedback that I receive is from people who have my best interest at heart and want me to succeed. This is a new prospective for me as I used to think that most people wanted me to fail. It's a very difficult and unnerving way to live when you view the world this way.
I finally met with my counselors who were concerned that I was holding back or felt uncomfortable sharing because of my emotional disconnection. I told them about some of my background growing up and they understood that my disassociation was a way of survival. They also wanted to be sure that my new found confidence was genuine and not masking anything. They said that people don't typically display this level of confidence at this point in treatment, but later on in our conversation, they rightly attributed this to the few extra weeks that I spent doing inpatient classes and the spirituality work. I agree that all the effort has definitely contributed to building my confidence and self esteem. I assured them that I wasn't stuffing my feelings like I used to and that I just had trouble openly sharing some emotions. I told them how I'm able to connect in private or while working with my therapist, but I'd work on connecting with these in group. Overall, they just wanted to make sure that I was okay and it was a positive meeting.
Later in group, I had a glimpse back in time as I saw my 29-year-old self reflecting back at me when I heard a girl of that age struggling with her identity and longing for clarity. She was a perfectionist who didn't like her recent weight gain and hated buying bigger clothes. She didn't like how she looked and had plastic surgery in the past, but desired more. She was a victim of sexual trauma, but like most women, she minimized and internalized the pain. I learned that about 75% of female addicts have experienced sexual abuse, but one of my counselors said that in her experience, it's affected about 90% of her clients. This woman was beautiful on the outside with a good job, house, designer car and clothes to mask the ugliness inside. She shopped a lot and spent money to fill voids. She admitted that she could come off as a snob, but I believe this was her way of keeping people away.
When the counselor commented that it must be exhausting to be perfect, she agreed that it was difficult. She believed there was nothing wrong with striving for perfection as one could always improve. However, it's impossible to troubleshoot or improve your life when you don't think anything is wrong or you think that you're perfect. I think the difference between self-improvement and perfection is that perfection always results in failure. It's hard to celebrate self-improvement milestones when you're aiming for perfection as you will always fall short and will never be good enough. It creates a lot of stress and anxiety which are perfect justifications to drink or use drugs. These were always my favorite excuses.
She was training for a marathon and wanted to remain sober while she trained, so someone recommended that she come here which seemed like an extreme measure. If someone recommends a treatment center as part of your training regime, you might have a problem. I could relate to this girl in so many ways though as I could see her denial and frustration. She described her fiance as a functional alcoholic and instead of drinking and driving anymore, they would get bombed at home instead. However, she didn't believe that she was an alcoholic. I expressed to her that I saw a lot of myself in her at that age. I told her that I was a recovering addict as well as perfectionist and I hoped that she would accept help because from 29 to 34, my disease quickly spread. I consider it a metastatic disease like cancer. I fortunately caught it before it seriously affected other organs besides my brain, but metaphorically, it affected my heart along with all other parts of my body and spirit. I wanted her to treat the disease now to prevent a lot of misery and pain in the future.
She said that she couldn't relate to any of us and that she's never experienced hitting bottom, but I think that if she had honestly taken a look, she would have seen her reflection. She was superficial, tormented and isolated, but at least, she showed up to treatment which is more than I did at her age. She began feeling challenged in group as she was forced to take a glimpse inside, but she said that she planned on drinking after her marathon and drinking the best wine at her wedding overseas. Some of the women in group expressed irritation that she was using treatment as part of her marathon training and some questioned her beliefs about not having a problem.
I was beginning to feel a little frustrated with her, too, but when I was addicted, my irrational thinking was rational to me as well. I didn't find clarity until the consequences outweighed the comforts and I got clean. I asked her why she was here if she thought that she could control it? She was outwardly annoyed with all of our questions. She responded again that she was there for clarity and then said that she didn't need this anymore. She grabbed her stuff and dramatically left in a huff. This happened at The House a few times, so I had been exposed to this behavior before and wasn't shock. It was a reality check on this awful disease. If she reflects on the night that she left treatment because she was unwilling to do any of the internal work, she will gain the clarity in which she sought.
I found this person unlikeable in her current state because she was an image of my former self, but I felt compassion for her as she battled with her own demons. I wasn't happy that she left group. I felt slightly guilty that I was the last person to ask her a question before she walked out, but none of the counselors said anything to me. I felt really sad for her. She kept people at a distance and thought that she knew everything. Her heart was hardened by things that had occurred in her life and she greatly suffered, but she wasn't ready to get better, yet. Everyone is on their own journey. My counselor said that there is a rule of thirds when it comes to treatment. A third will remain sober, a third will relapse and a third will die. My prayer and wish for her is that she survives and experiences peace and love in her heart that she deserves.
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