~Any stigma will do to beat a dogma~ Philip Guedalla
I would've never imagined last week that I'd be sitting here at a coffee shop in Uptown; sipping a decaf Hazelnut Latte and watching all the cars head towards the uber fun bars down Hennepin Ave on a Thursday night. If I had managed to get more than a few hours of sleep so far this week, I'd probably want to join them. I'm listening to a couple guys behind me chat about each other, their families, interests, etc. Hmmm..I wonder what it's like to be on a sober date. No bottle of wine?! Craziness!
I would've never imagined last week that I'd be sitting here at a coffee shop in Uptown; sipping a decaf Hazelnut Latte and watching all the cars head towards the uber fun bars down Hennepin Ave on a Thursday night. If I had managed to get more than a few hours of sleep so far this week, I'd probably want to join them. I'm listening to a couple guys behind me chat about each other, their families, interests, etc. Hmmm..I wonder what it's like to be on a sober date. No bottle of wine?! Craziness!
I know lots of people with food or other types of allergies and obviously, if they eat certain things, it could make them sick or kill them. I imagine if I just said that I was allergic to alcohol, people would be less judgmental then when I tell them that I'm an alcoholic when they ask why I'm not drinking. I mean it seems to be a similar situation. If I drink alcohol, it could make me sick or kill me. Why does alcoholism have to be so anonymous anymore? We seem to encourage people to be out about everything else. Wouldn't you prefer to have a pilot that acknowledges they have a problem rather than remain in denial and try to manage it themselves. Why is there still a stigma with alcoholics? I remember plenty of people binging in college. It seemed to be the norm. Am I the only one that continued to have a problem? To this day, no one has ever told me that they're an alcoholic.
"Mom, I'm scared that I'm one of those people." Of course, I couldn't say the A-word at the time. "Well, just have a pop when you go out," she said. Just go to a party or to happy hour and not drink?! But, I have social anxiety disorder, so it takes the edge off (even though I'm quickly running off the edge soon after a few glasses). "But, Mom, all my friends drink. No one will like me. They'll think I'm weird." My friends already know that I'm a nerd and have told me that I'm "so sweet" when I'm sober, but these are the irrational lies that the voices tell you when you're trying to escape. Would I ever leave a friend if they didn't drink? Hell, no. I have quite a few friends that don't drink and most of my family doesn't drink. I don't judge people that don't drink or that do drink, so why would they judge me? It's not the alcohol that I hate, but the way I abused it.
"Mom, I'm scared that I'm one of those people." Of course, I couldn't say the A-word at the time. "Well, just have a pop when you go out," she said. Just go to a party or to happy hour and not drink?! But, I have social anxiety disorder, so it takes the edge off (even though I'm quickly running off the edge soon after a few glasses). "But, Mom, all my friends drink. No one will like me. They'll think I'm weird." My friends already know that I'm a nerd and have told me that I'm "so sweet" when I'm sober, but these are the irrational lies that the voices tell you when you're trying to escape. Would I ever leave a friend if they didn't drink? Hell, no. I have quite a few friends that don't drink and most of my family doesn't drink. I don't judge people that don't drink or that do drink, so why would they judge me? It's not the alcohol that I hate, but the way I abused it.
When I started this journey, I had no friends or family to talk to about whether or not I was an alcoholic. It would've been nice to confide in at least one. I took an online "quiz" from the Alcoholics Anonymous website that a friend sent and answered yes to every single question. I quickly realized that my disease had progressively gotten worse over the last 17 years and I needed to stop, but I couldn't do it alone. Like with most other diseases, I needed professional help. I'll be starting an outpatient substance abuse program on Monday and will be attending AA on Tuesday, so now, you know at least one of "those people." I'm Cindy and I'm allergic to cats and I'm an alcoholic, so if you need to chat, let me know. I'd love to help.
3 comments:
Awesome post Cindy! You are so articulate about this whole process you're going through, I'm a bit in awe.
Regarding "the irrational lies that the voices tell you," I've heard a lot of people say that while you're inside at an AA meeting, your disease is out in the parking lot doing pushups and getting stronger. And AA also describes alcohol as "cunning, baffling, and powerful." It certainly is that. It's a hard path but one worth everything to take.
You'll continue to be in my thoughts!
Oh, here's the whole passage:
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power. That One is God. May you find Him now!
Alcoholics Anonymus, pp. 58-59
I was married to an alcoholic for 11 years before he got sober. It was a hard road for him and he thought the same as you regarding his friends. He was told that after he was sober his friends would stick around to see if he would fall off the wagon and if not some would just go their merry way. BUT the true friends stuck by him and remain his friends to this day, and he has now been sober almost 20 years. Thats what counts is the true friends and your family as they will stick by you no matter what. They love you for who you are. Not how silly and crazy you can get when you under the influence. I am very proud that you are doing this. You will see it will make life better and actually will make it easier to remember all the good things in life. It may take a little time but be strong and show the world what a strong woman you are. The word can't does not exist in a womans vocabulary. The Lord will help you take it one day at a time. You just need to ask him and allow him to be part of your life. you are in my thoughts and and prayers
I love you Cindy! Trust in the Lord. Confide in Him and he will give you the strength to get through this time. I respect you so much...
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