Day 118: Love (3.12.11)

~Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you.  When you dare to reveal yourself fully.  When you dare to be vulnerable~ Dr Joyce Brothers

It's fun to see my friends in love.  On Saturday night, my Asian girlfriend kindly invited me to have dinner and meet her boyfriend at their home.  Some people are in love with people, I'm in love with food, so I was in awe of her perfectly julienned apples and manchego cheese salad with chives, lemon juice and olive oil.  It was beautifully delicious.  The gnocchi with gorgonzola cream sauce was uber wonderful.  My friend and I used to drink wine together, but on this occasion, we all drank San Pellegrino which was nice.  My contribution was homemade brownies for dessert, but our bellies were too happily full to eat them.    

We reminisced about our encounter with Josh Hartnett who was seated at the table next to us during brunch a few weeks ago.  I also informed her of my status as a potential mutt.  She's a purebred Korean, but thankfully, she didn't kick me out.  Her non-redheaded, Irish boyfriend was funny and sweet.  We talked a lot about hair color that night and I liked how he put up with my friend's sassiness well.  He jokingly mentioned that Ireland was the Korea of Europe because of the North and South separation.  It was another entertaining, sober night.  I left feeling very happy for my friend who was finally in a healthy, loving relationship.  I could tell that he adored her and it was fun seeing them together.  

I felt a bit sad not to be in my own relationship, but I have a love-hate relationship with love.  I believe it's due to those underlying feelings of vulnerability, expectation and pressure.  I've been going through a divorce now for longer than my ex and I were married, so that doesn't help matters.  I'm definitely not ready for love as I would just be in it for myself at the moment.  I would want the other person to fulfill my needs and desires on my terms because I don't have the time, energy or motivation to devote to another person.  When I have that to offer, I may be ready or I may enjoy investing in other things.  If I ever enter into a relationship again, it will be with someone that will enhance my life rather than set limits.  I used to foolishly give up my life in order to meet the needs of the other person and then later, I would become extremely resentful of my actions.  If I find myself doing that again, I will have to reevaluate my mindset and intentions for the relationship.  

I've never been truly intimately in love with a guy as there's no one whom I've given myself completely to because I was not a whole person.  I was missing a sense of self and a connection to my mind, body and spirit.  In my relationship with my ex, we both demanded that the other fill the void in our lives.  It was a very selfish and manipulative relationship.  Do I regret my time with him?  As much as I want to say yes, I'm leaning towards no.  I've gained a lot of insight, learned many lessons and can empathize with others experiencing pain in their marriage or divorce.  Ultimately, I'm grateful that I've evolved from the person I was in my mid-20s and for my new found love of life.  

Day 117: PMS APP (3.11.11)

~Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself~ Roseanne Barr

It was Friday night and I was exhausted.  I completed my third full week back at work and got my period on Wednesday.  I'm learning to listen to my body, so I skipped out on a happy hour and a margarita Pampered Chef party.  While in recovery, I've learned to avoid using situations especially when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable such as being tired and crabby.   

Even though I've had my period since I was 12 years old, it still seems to creep up on me each month.  There's an app now for everything, so I decided to finally start tracking my cycle using Period Tracker.  I noticed my PMS symptoms worsen as I grew older and these became exacerbated when I started using chemicals.  I read on the Massachusetts General Hospital Center for Women's Mental Health website that up to 80% of women of reproductive age experience PMS symptoms which occur about 1-2 weeks prior to menses and remits on the onset of menses.

PMS
Psychological Symptoms:
Depression
Anger
Irritability
Anxiety
Sensitivity to rejection
Sense of feeling overwhelmed
Social withdrawal

Physical Symptoms: 
Lethargy or fatigue
Sleep disturbance (usually hypersomnia)
Appetite disturbance (usually increased)
Abdominal bloating
Breast tenderness
Headaches
Muscle aches, joint pain
Swelling of extremities


I experience all of these symptoms, but starting in my late teens, I noticed more severe symptoms including suicidal thoughts as it became closer to my period.  The MGH website also talks about Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) which affects up to 8% of women of reproductive age.  PMDD is characterized by more significant premenstrual mood disturbances.  These also begin about 1-2 weeks prior to menses and remit at the onset of menses.  MGH says that PMDD results in marked social and occupational impairment, with it's most prominent effects in interpersonal functioning.

PMDD Symptoms:
Feelings of sadness, hopelessness or suicidal thoughts
Severe stress, tension, anxiety or panic attacks
Extreme irritability or anger that affects others
Mood swings that include crying
Loss of interest in normal activities and relationships
Problems with concentration or ability to focus on tasks
Severe fatigue or loss of normal energy level
Food cravings or binging

I hadn't heard about PMDD until rehab, but about a year ago, I talked to my doctor about  severe PMS symptoms that felt debilitating and impacted my relationships.  I started taking an additional anti-depressant to manage symptoms, but with the use of alcohol, it complicates everything and I obviously didn't find much relief.  It would've been interesting to track if I drank more closer to my period.  It wouldn't surprise me if I had as all the symptoms above were triggers for me.  Thankfully, when I stopped using chemicals and made other lifestyle changes, my PMS/PMDD symptoms became less severe or non-existent.   

It's crazy how fast a couple weeks will go by and I'll start feeling irritable, angry and weepy and then my period starts.  It's like oh yeah, it's that time of month already.  During my annual physical, my doctor will ask when my period ended and I have to guess sometimes.  So, no more.  I'm tracking it so I won't be caught off guard and will give myself a break when I feel symptoms emerge.  It's not me; it's hormones.  I'm not not this horrible person as some of this hormonal stuff is beyond my control, but I can prepare by eating right, sleeping, exercising, etc.  

The app enables me to track my period, mood and symptoms.  Based on my period dates, it estimates my fertile days with green circles, ovulation day with a flower and "intimacy" days with a heart.  No sex days for me, but it's interesting to be aware of fertility dates now.  I've noticed that I'm looking at guys and pruning more on those days.  Unlike my period days, when I couldn't care less about how I look.  Biology is an amazing thing.    

Day 116: Martha-ish (3.10.11)

~When you're through changing, you're through~ Martha Stewart

"You remind me of Martha Stewart," my therapist said the other day.  "I love her!"  I said.  "Why?"  She asked with her nose squished.  "Because she went to jail,"  I smiled.  It gives her some street cred as a billionaire.  She said in an interview that she could sleep anywhere, so she was fine sleeping in prison.  While doing chores there, she mentioned that she kept her areas the cleanest that they've ever been. In rehab, I cleaned everything from the bathroom to the kitchen and made them the cleanest and most disinfected, too.  I've been a nomad most of my adult life, so I'm comfortable sleeping in any environment as well.  I personally think she's a brilliant business woman, but I know my therapist wasn't making that connection with me.  

While in treatment, every word and action is somewhat under a microscope by staff which has been at times, disconcerting for an independent person like myself.  Before our once a week sessions, my therapist meets with my counselors from group who provide feedback and then my therapist sometimes relays the information to me.  My counselors said that I opened up well during the Spirituality section of the curriculum as I continue to work on that part of my life, but they were concerned that while participating in the Self section, that I may have come across as inauthentic.  My therapist doesn't attend outpatient groups with me, but she did attend many groups during inpatient treatment.  She knows my history of having a hard time connecting words to emotions, so I can understand how some may interpret this as disingenuous and Martha-ish.  

I'm more aware of this behavior, so I feel that I've made small improvements.  I realize though that I still have a lot of work to do in connecting my mind and body.  I catch myself smiling sometimes while talking about painful things in group because I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but instead, some may think that I'm being fake or dishonest.  It was a survival mechanism that I used in the past, but I need to learn to let it go if I want to build relationships and help people.  If I was a guy, some people wouldn't think twice about me being out of touch with my emotions.  However, I know that I'm deselfing by ignoring or hiding certain feelings.  I didn't have many close girlfriends in the past because they expressed emotions and I was really uncomfortable with my own, so one of my deepest regrets was my inability to connect well with some amazing women that I've met throughout my life. 

I let my therapist know that I've been honest about everything in group and felt comfortable enough to reveal things that I hadn't during rehab.  Some women from group have reached out to me for advice because they said that they appreciated my openness, so I was curious about the disconnect with my peers and staff.  My therapist commented that if I appeared to have it all together and sounded like a know-it-all, I might make the other women in group feel intimidated or like they don't measure up.  I assured her that I've bonded with the other women through talking about all of my struggles and relating when I could to their problems and pain.  I am aware that when I feel anxious, insecure and vulnerable during some social settings when I'm not around friends or family, I can come across as cold, aloof or stuck-up, so I scheduled a meeting with my counselors to understand their thoughts.  Perception is someone's reality and truth and since I'm working hard at self improvement, I need help on not coming across as Martha-ish when it comes to my emotions.

Day 115: Mutt (3.9.11)

~Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother~ Oprah Winfrey

I see my beloved chiro on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays for about a half an hour over lunch for adjustments related to the car accident.  A couple of Wednesdays ago, I went to her office with my new favorite look; messy, wavy hair.  I've been straightening my hair for years, but I've gotten lazy and bored with it, so now my style preference is bathing the previous night and sleeping on it.  I add product in the morning and then I'm done.  I'm embracing the bohemian; I care, but I don't care trend which is perfect for this upcoming summer.  

My hair was stick straight when I was young, but became wavier as I grew older.  When I entered my chiro's office that day, she commented on my wavy hair.  She said that her hair is the same as mine when she doesn't straighten it.  "Hmmm," she said as if she were hesitant to tell me something.  "Um, you're mixed," she said.  Like a lot of things, it took me a moment to process.  "Mixed?!" I finally responded.  I forgot that she had mentioned in the past that she's half white and half Korean.  I've been telling people all these years that I'm a purebred; 100% Korean.  I just assumed that when it said in the paperwork that my parents were young and unmarried that they were both Korean.  However, it never stated race.  I imagine there weren't many white gals traveling around Korea at the time, so this was very interesting new insight as I had never before entertained the idea that my birth father may be white.   

My chiro said that many babies of mixed race were abandoned because in that culture, especially in the 70's, mixed babies were considered nothing.  This could be the reason my birth mother had to give me up for adoption because I would have brought shame to my family.  If my father had been Korean, I imagine they could have gotten married.  My mother obviously would have known that I might not have a good life or opportunities living in Korea.  Being of mixed race, I probably could not have received a good education and may have ended up as a prostitute or a victim of human trafficking in order to survive.  

In recent years, I've noticed that my body type doesn't look like many Korean gals who usually have slender frames.  I have a medium frame with a bootie and breasts.  I asked my chiro if there were tests to determine race.  She laughed and said that dogs can give saliva samples to determine various breeds.  Great, I can go to the vet!  I told my therapist the news later that day and she informed me that her fiance is a geneticist.  I love how things connect in life that point you to the next big adventure.  My slumlord also alerted me to the National Geographic Genographic project which I still need to research, but I believe you send them a saliva sample and they'll trace your lineage for a hundred bucks.  I plan to participate in the near future to determine if indeed, I'm a mutt. 

Of course, my imagination romanticizes my birth parents' encounter and fantasizes about their lives.  My daddy could be living in the States.  Maybe he was a GI.  There was a large presence in Korea at that time.  Maybe my mom never told him that she was preggers and he doesn't even know that I exist.  Maybe he's Bill Gates!  Hmmm, he has kind of a slender frame though; no butt or boobs.   I wonder what pieces of the puzzle my birth parents hold.  Someday, I'd like to find them both.  That's another dream.

Day 114: Demons (3.8.11)

~All writers are vain, selfish and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery.  Writing a book is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness.  One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand~ George Orwell 

I didn't sleep well last Monday after a tough night in group, so sleepily went to work the next day.  It was the 3rd full week of being back at my job in IT.  I'm relearning some of the tech lingo as I'm not very techy and had forgotten some of it while on leave.  After facilitating a meeting with my beloved tech nerds, I had to write a summary about all the failed backup demons and how these caused major issues.  After sending out the meeting notes and next steps, someone wrote back referring to the daemons.  I could have sworn everyone was blaming the demons.  Daemons; demons.  Tomaytoes; tomahtoes.  The definition of a daemon is a program or process that sits idly in the background until it's invoked to perform its task.  I guess it's kinda like a demon.

One of the fun things about living is dreaming again.  One of my dreams is to write a book and give the money away to people who struggle especially women and girls suffering from this horrendous disease of addiction.  Through this experience, I've learned that there aren't as many resources available to women as there are men.  I don't feel driven by demons to write a book, but I feel God telling me to share my experiences which includes a lot of demons.  Through other people bravely opening up and being honest about their demons in various groups, they gave me the gift of not feeling alone and not feeling ashamed.  I'd like to do the same for others.  Unfortunately, some people in this world aren't as kind and non-judgemental as the people in my groups.  Along with other treatment activities, I've been meeting with my therapist once a week for the past 4 months, so I won't reveal some details of my life in a blog or book until it's time.