~That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key~ Elizabeth Wurtzel
Day 5 of feeling depressed. On the night I left treatment, I forgot to take my 20 mg of Paxil that Dr Citronella prescribed for PTSD, but the feelings of excitement started to override my feelings of anxiousness and fear about reentering the real world. Despite countless reminders not to stop taking prescribed medication because it may lead to relapse, I decided not to take my pill the next morning on Christmas Eve because I was feeling pretty good. Maybe I could be the exception?
That afternoon, I started to feel extreme exhaustion and sadness. I went to the couch to lie down and felt paralyzed. If there had been a fire, I wouldn't have wanted to move. When I woke up a couple hours later, I realized that my meds were in my car and I didn't have the energy to walk from my sister's apartment to the parking lot. On top of that, I didn't know where these were in my car and it all seemed too draining to bother with at the moment. I did manage to cook dinner for my sister's family though because I love cooking and the kitchen was just a few steps away. Shortly after dinner, I went to bed and slept for about 12 hours.
The next morning on Christmas, I had enough energy to take on what felt like the arduous task of walking to my car in my pajamas and grabbing my meds in hopes of ending this funk. Why couldn't Santa have left me a bottle of Paxil under the tree? After my nieces and nephew opened their presents, I told my sister to have Christmas dinner at her mother-in-law's without me because I wasn't feeling well. I went back to sleep for a few hours. I started to feel more energetic that night and was able to stay up later playing with my nieces and nephew and watching one of my favorite holiday movies "Christmas Vacation" with my bro-in-law. I slept a normal 8 hours that night and woke up the next morning with enough energy to take a bath. After 3 days of not bathing, it was good of Santa to ignore my bad smelliness and grossness.
I started outpatient treatment yesterday and felt sad, tired, annoyed, irritable and short-tempered. This is the first time in my adult life that I would need to deal with depression soberly. As a child, I think my first bout with depression happened when I was around 8 years old and I started having thoughts of death and a shortened life. I learned some coping skills in treatment that I wished that I had learned as a child. These included simple breathing techniques, learning to be in the present moment and not fighting with my feelings.
In order to help me keep this disease in remission, I need to be mindful of what I'm experiencing internally rather than avoiding normal human emotions. One of the counselors said that we should treat our feelings like "emotion babies." I wanted to puke every time she said it, but it makes sense. I don't tell babies to shut up and ignore them. I try to figure out what their experiencing and comfort them rather than fight them on whatever their feeling and make them feel worse. My mantra for today to cope with my depression is "this too shall pass" and "don't forget your meds."
Day 5 of feeling depressed. On the night I left treatment, I forgot to take my 20 mg of Paxil that Dr Citronella prescribed for PTSD, but the feelings of excitement started to override my feelings of anxiousness and fear about reentering the real world. Despite countless reminders not to stop taking prescribed medication because it may lead to relapse, I decided not to take my pill the next morning on Christmas Eve because I was feeling pretty good. Maybe I could be the exception?
That afternoon, I started to feel extreme exhaustion and sadness. I went to the couch to lie down and felt paralyzed. If there had been a fire, I wouldn't have wanted to move. When I woke up a couple hours later, I realized that my meds were in my car and I didn't have the energy to walk from my sister's apartment to the parking lot. On top of that, I didn't know where these were in my car and it all seemed too draining to bother with at the moment. I did manage to cook dinner for my sister's family though because I love cooking and the kitchen was just a few steps away. Shortly after dinner, I went to bed and slept for about 12 hours.
The next morning on Christmas, I had enough energy to take on what felt like the arduous task of walking to my car in my pajamas and grabbing my meds in hopes of ending this funk. Why couldn't Santa have left me a bottle of Paxil under the tree? After my nieces and nephew opened their presents, I told my sister to have Christmas dinner at her mother-in-law's without me because I wasn't feeling well. I went back to sleep for a few hours. I started to feel more energetic that night and was able to stay up later playing with my nieces and nephew and watching one of my favorite holiday movies "Christmas Vacation" with my bro-in-law. I slept a normal 8 hours that night and woke up the next morning with enough energy to take a bath. After 3 days of not bathing, it was good of Santa to ignore my bad smelliness and grossness.
I started outpatient treatment yesterday and felt sad, tired, annoyed, irritable and short-tempered. This is the first time in my adult life that I would need to deal with depression soberly. As a child, I think my first bout with depression happened when I was around 8 years old and I started having thoughts of death and a shortened life. I learned some coping skills in treatment that I wished that I had learned as a child. These included simple breathing techniques, learning to be in the present moment and not fighting with my feelings.
In order to help me keep this disease in remission, I need to be mindful of what I'm experiencing internally rather than avoiding normal human emotions. One of the counselors said that we should treat our feelings like "emotion babies." I wanted to puke every time she said it, but it makes sense. I don't tell babies to shut up and ignore them. I try to figure out what their experiencing and comfort them rather than fight them on whatever their feeling and make them feel worse. My mantra for today to cope with my depression is "this too shall pass" and "don't forget your meds."
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