Day 43: War (12.27.11)

~The time to take counsel of your fears is before you make an important battle decision.  That's the time to listen to every fear you can imagine!  When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead~ George S. Patton

Some of the toughest battles are those that we fight within our souls.  After completing 30 days of inpatient treatment last Thursday, the fact that this will be the biggest challenge of my life began to sink in as well as an intense fear of failure.  One of the counselors used the acronym SOBER which stood for "Son-of-a-Bitch Everything's Real."  It's easy to swallow a pill or drink glasses and bottles of alcohol to numb my feelings and problems; it's a lot of harder to soberly deal with the reality of those experiences.

During my 1st week of treatment, I met with the psychiatrist who had a last name that sounded like citronella, so that's what I called him Dr Citronella because he repelled me with his lack of interpersonal skills.  When I met him, there were no formalities; no introductions, get-to-know you questions and other niceties.  It was straight to the point.  We each sat on a couch across from each other and he pointedly asked, "What are you doing here?"  I was warned that psychiatrists are a different breed by my fairy godmother therapist, so I ignored his stinging tone and told him a few stories and some of my symptoms.  "Well, you don't have depression," he said.  I was happy to hear this as I had been battling depression for years while using, but the anxiety which included panic attacks remained.  "You have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."  Ouch!

I heard about war veterans experiencing this, but not anybody else.  In "Beyond Trauma: A Healing Journey for Women," it describes three categories of PTSD symptoms: 

• Reexperiencing (includes disturbed sleep, intrusive memories, distressing dreams, nightmares, flashbacks, reliving the event, a view of the world as unsafe)
• Numbing and avoidance (mistrust of others, isolation and disconnection, emotional or "psychic" numbness, low self-esteem, neglect of health, dissociation, ability to remember memories or feelings but not both, memory loss for certain events, loss of faith and hope)
• Hyperarousal (intense emotions, difficulty sleeping, panic and anxiousness, self-harm, risky behaviors, irritability, anger, difficulty concentrating) (American Psychiatric Association 2000)

I experienced all of these symptoms throughout most of my life.  I learned that sometimes PTSD is misdiagnosed as bipolar which at one point, I thought I had because I was experiencing extreme highs (mania) and lows (depression), however, I lacked other symptoms of that disorder.  I learned in treatment that trauma is anything that overwhelms our senses from job loss, loss of home, severe bereavements (including a pet) to a natural disaster, witnessing violence or abuse.  Also, it's how you perceive and experience the event.  A traumatic event for one person may not be for another.  After I talked to Dr Citronella, I made a list of traumas that I had been suppressing in hopes that the feelings  would just go away.   

• abandonment 
• adoption 
• emotional abuse 
• sexual abuse 
• physical abuse 
• neglect 
• divorce
• automobile accident

Some symptoms of trauma that are described in Dr Stephanie S. Covington's book "Beyond Trauma: A Healing Journey for Women" include the following:

Symptoms that may be experienced immediately:

• sleep disturbance, nightmares
• exaggerated emotional and startled reactions to noises, quick movements, etc 
• hyperactivity, restlessness
• hypervigilance
• abrupt mood swings 
• fear of going crazy 
• flashbacks 
• sensitivity to sound, light, smell, taste, touch 
• fear of losing control 
• a desire for alcohol or other drugs

Symptoms that may be developed later:

• panic Attacks, anxiety, phobias 
• mental blankness or being "spacey" 
• avoidance behavior 
• attraction to dangerous situations 
• frequent anger or crying 
• exaggerated or diminished sexual activity 
• amnesia and forgetfulness 
• fear of dying or having a shortened life 
• self-harming behavior 
• cravings (particularly if chemically dependent)

Symptoms that may take even longer to develop:

• fatigue or low energy 
• physical health problems, such as depleted immune system, thyroid dysfunction, psychosomatic illnesses such as neck and back problems, asthma, digestive distress, spastic colon, sever premenstrual syndrome 
• eating disorders 
• diminished emotional responses 
• inability to make commitments 
• depression 
• feelings of isolation, detachment 
• reduced ability to make decisions, formulate plans, and carry them out

It was truly an eye-opening experience to read this the first time as it was like reading a road map of symptoms that I had been experiencing throughout different stages of my life and it was finally validation that I wasn't crazy.  I had normal reactions to abnormal or extreme situations.  Of course, abusing drugs and alcohol and indulging in other addictive behaviors didn't make my feelings disappear.  It was an internal war of emotions that grew stronger until it was overwhelming and I could either address my traumas and make peace or die with my secrets that I kept so well hidden and deeply buried all these years.