Day 82: Kingly Lesson (2.4.11)

~Responsibility is the price of greatness~ Winston Churchill


The King's Speech is my favorite film of 2011 so far.  King George VI was coronated in 1937 during the golden age of radio.  Expectations vastly changed as a king could no longer hide in his castle and send out messengers with decrees.  Like today, a king was more of a symbol and voice of the country, but held little political power.  As king, they were now expected to make public appearances and give speeches using a newer form of technology called the microphone.  One of his many duties now also included radio broadcasts.  No big deal, right?  He had speech writers.  All he had to do was read the script.  However, when this man was a child, he developed a speech disorder called stuttering.  It was one of the biggest struggles of his life and caused him great pain.  He experienced shame and ridicule every time he stepped in front of the microphone or had a conversation.  He could hide many issues behind the crown, but this perceived deficiency was exposed every time. 

As a young child who felt extremely inadequate and experienced panic attacks giving speeches since 9 years old, I would've loved to have learned about this brave king.  It was also revealed in the movie that the legendary Winston Churchill also grew up with a stuttering problem.  Growing up, I didn't think any adults had problems especially kings like the ones in the fairy tales.  I thought something was wrong with me and I felt like a failure.  I think it would've helped my self-esteem a bit knowing that someone as great as a king had the same problems as he experienced extreme anxiety and humiliation giving speeches, too.  

His brilliant Australian speech therapist had taken care of soldiers in the past who had come home from war and lost their voices through the development a variety of disorders involving speech.  The soldiers were most likely experiencing what we now know today as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Without education or training as it wasn't in existence at the time, this brilliant therapist knew from experience that speech disorders were likely symptoms of past traumas including war and other traumatic life events.  He correctly identified that many speech disorders were rooted in the mind and were treatable.  Through his own research and experimentation, he discovered a variety of treatments for this disorder.  He developed his own curriculum and helped treat clients including one of his favorites; King George VI.  

Like speech disorders, the disease of addiction is often times a symptom of past traumatic events as well.  If you take all the stuff away that are associated with King George VI's crown and make him human, you will find a man that grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family.  His brutal father was emotionally and verbally abusive.  His father felt that if he expressed anger, chastised and shamed his son, it would scare the speech disorder away.  Of course, it only made it worse.  His mother was emotionally unavailable.  They were terribly neglectful.  One of King George VI's nannies liked his older brother and didn't like him, so she stopped feeding him.  His neglectful parents didn't notice his nanny was abusive for 3 years.  He likely experienced physical abuse from some members of the church who at the time were still forcing children to use their right hand instead of their left.  It is mentioned by his therapist in the move that many children developed stuttering disorders who experienced this trauma from the church.  His little brother died of epilepsy as a teenager which back then, epilepsy was believed to be a character defect, so his family was ashamed of him and tried to keep him hidden.  His older brother was addicted to alcohol and woman and eventually, abdicated the throne for a commoner leaving King George VI to reluctantly fulfill the duties of his irresponsible older brother.   

Despite his trepidations about his speech, he felt an incredible burden to serve as he truly cared about his people in a time of crisis with his country headed to war.  He wasn't born great.  He achieved greatness. He humbled himself, incorporated people in his life who cared and believed in him and worked very hard to improve himself and his speech.  Even though he suffered, he still had the fortitude to step up and fulfill his obligations in life. What a great example for his two daughters.  One of which is currently the Queen of England Elizabeth II.  It was reported that she was very moved by the depiction of her father in the film.  As an adult, it gives me comfort knowing that this amazing king even had trouble letting go of his past.  His childhood traumas caused him great anger and sadness until he finally addressed it with his trusted therapist who became a dear friend for life.  

I don't admire King George VI because of his esteemed job title.  I admire him more for being human and overcoming unimaginable challenges.   I believe that our inadequacies are not what define us, but instead, we are defined by how we overcome these great challenges.  This is what people will remember in the end and future generations will be inspired.  Thanks Bertie!

Day 81: Art of Receiving (2.3.11)

~If you wish to experience peace, provide peace for another~ Tenzin Gyatso

There's an art to giving as well as receiving.  It's difficult for me to accept gifts in all forms; help, time, compliments, wrapped, etc, but I'm almost always happy to give.  Why is that?  I think it's hard to be the recipient for most people and perhaps, especially true for those of us who grew up in the Midwest where we usually don't like being the center of attention, inconveniencing anyone or being fussed over.  We talked about this in treatment because it was a common theme that almost all of us felt unworthy to receive.  

I'm working on changing to a healthier mindset though.  I think most of us would admit that it feels really good inside to give to someone else.  It seems to be a wonderful gift for the giver's spirit when reaching out.  To deny a person the opportunity to feel peace and happiness through their generosity because I'm going to feel uncomfortable, is a little selfish of me.  I've discovered that there's an art to graciously accepting gifts and saying thank you as well.

I was relieved today because I started feeling a lot less nauseous.  My therapist and counselor expressed their disappointment this week that I quit cold turkey again without consulting doctors or treatment staff first.  My counselor told me that Paxil has the worst withdrawal symptoms out of all the anti-depressants and I could have worked with a doctor to taper off safely and more comfortably.  One of the reasons that I don't like to receive is pure stubbornness, too.  I said that I'd continue to work on asking for help and including others on my decision making process as I need to remember that my best thinking before is what caused an insanely unmanageable life and a stint in rehab in the first place.  

I was sick of my smelly, greasy self, so it felt very good to bathe.  As I sat in the hot, comfy tub, I was grateful for being sick in the states rather than being sick elsewhere.  It's been reported that about 3 billion people in this world have no access to running water within a mile of their homes.  There are millions of problems around the world, so millions of opportunities to give gifts of time, money or effort and in return, the priceless gift of feeling peace and joy awaits. 

To all of you who have kindly sent prayers and positive energy my way during my recovery, thank you so much.  I humbly accept those gifts from you.  Peace!     

Day 80: Judgement (2.2.11)

~If you judge people, you have no time to love them~ Mother Teresa

God has a great sense of humor.  Everything I judged, I became; divorcee, alcoholic, drug addict, poor, single, childless, overweight, Christian and on and on and on.  Self-hatred and internal insecurities manifested in my judgments of others.  I've found that as I've become more secure, I've let go of my horrible judgments and have met some incredible people in the process.  Last night, I met a woman at Celebrate Recovery who also attends a meeting at her home church on a different night.  I told her that I'd like to check it out sometime and she handed me meeting info.  

Of all the churches in the Twin Cities Metro Area, it happened to be the one that I got married in.  God made me laugh because that's pretty much the last place that I wanted to go back to, but for some reason, He seems to want me to return to the scene of the crime.  About 7 years ago, during pre-marriage counseling, the pastor said that he didn't want my fiance and me to use the church as a building for just our ceremony and asked us to attend more.  We went only a few times and then pretty much stopped going as soon as we stepped out the door as husband and wife.  I really liked that pastor because he was authentic and a good messenger.  At the time, he was filling in until a permanent pastor could be found and I was happy to learn that he's now the main pastor.  Ok, fine, I'll go.  God has been the best professor and trainer in my life and has been amazingly patient as I'm pretty slow at getting it.  He continues to teach me hugely awesome lessons on humbleness.

I went to AA at the mansion tonight.  In the past, I would drive by homes like these and think that the people inside had no problems.  I walked in wearing my black wool cloche hat, obnoxious huge purse, oversized sweater, leggings and my furry Uggs.  On my adoption papers, my foster family said that I was a beautiful baby who ate well and acted a little spoiled.  When I read that recently, it made me laugh because some of those same perceptions have been shared throughout my life and it started when I was 6 months old.  I actually used those perceptions to hide behind most of my life because I thought if I appeared a certain way, then people wouldn't think I had problems and I could be normal like everyone else.  Up until this Great Recession, it was very easy to hide behind outside appearances, but I also found it extremely exhausting and ultimately, it almost killed me.

The reality for me tonight was that I've been experiencing depression while weening off my anti-depressants.  The irony still makes me laugh and cry and I feel little energy to bathe.  I used the elegant hat to cover my unwashed, greasy hair and my outfit was dirty as I wore it yesterday.  I appeared clean though and I sprayed perfume to cover any stench. Most of the people attending these meetings at the mansion look a little rougher.  They don't look like a lot of my peers.  Unfortunately, I still walk into some of these meetings in my furry UGGs feeling better than, but it's my arrogance masking some remaining insecurities of feeling less than.  As people start bravely sharing their struggles, we bond as equals.  These people are some of the most authentic and inspiring human beings that I've encountered in my lifetime.  Because of this cunning, baffling, powerful, undiscriminating disease, people have lost families, friends, businesses, homes, fortunes, etc.  Because they choose to go to these meetings, they keep me sober and alive.  I always leave the meetings feeling proud to be one of them.  

   

Day 79: Gratitude (2.1.11)

~He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has~ Epictetus

I'm not into violence against humans, so if I had a dummy right now, I'd be strangling it.  Nausea, "electric zaps" in head, dizziness, headache, insomnia, fatigue, loss of appetite, sweating, fever, chills, depression, anxiety, irritability, aggression, vertigo, blurred vision and vivid dreams.  This is a list of withdrawal symptoms from Paxil that I've been experiencing in the last week.  It's aggravatingly annoying.  I had less severe symptoms when I went on the drug in the first place for PTSD back in November during inpatient treatment.  I've been taking 20 mg a day for the last couple months.  

I've experienced withdrawals from anti-depressants, pain meds and alcohol before when I stopped taking everything prior to rehab, but I was on so many different drugs that I didn't know which withdrawal symptom was connected to which drug.  Since I was on only one drug this time, I think all the worst withdrawal symptoms that I experienced at that time were ironically from the anti-depressants.  When I was in rehab, taking Paxil was the best option as I didn't have access to buying vitamins and minerals.  Since I've been out, I've decided that the best option for my body is to do natural healing.  When I tell people this, I sometimes feel guilty or crazy because it's so contrary to Western medicine.  I feel like people think I'm practicing witchcraft or alternative crazy stuff.  It's kind of too bad and a bit sad.  I was born into a culture that practices Eastern medicine which focuses on healing the soul as well as the body.  It's been their way for thousands of years, but we're so into quick fixes here.  

I'm not advocating not taking medication.  If a combination of diet, exercise, vitamins, minerals and other natural things don't work for me then I'll go back to taking anti-depressants or whatever is needed.  My chiro who happens to be a fellow adopted Korean believes in natural and holistic healing, too, so she gave me a list of options,  I'll be taking vitamins and minerals daily.  Thankfully, they're yummy chewable ones.  I will also be taking Fish Oil which helps with depression and anxiety, preventing cancer, promoting heart health and prevention of Alzheimer's and Parkinsin's Disease.  She ordered me a bottle that doesn't make your burps and farts smell like fish.  Apparently, that's a common problem.  Since I have roommates, I will be respectful in order to avoid eviction.  She also recommended 5-HTP which is a natural supplement to help with minor depression and it's also known to help control appetite, insomnia, mood and fibromyalgia.  Also, I've completely cut out caffeine in the last few days.  Caffeine reduces serotonin which is the "happy messenger" in the brain.  I learned in treatment that it can take the brain about 3 hours to recoup the serotonin levels lost by ingesting caffeine.  How do most of us start out the day?  It may explain a lot about stress.  

So, gratitude.  We talked about that at Celebrate Recovery tonight.  As I wrap this up quickly because I'm feeling more nauseous, I'm happy that all of the support programs place an emphasis on gratitude.  I'm thankful for the toilet that I'm about to puke in, Kleenex for wiping my tears, friends for making me laugh, my electric blanket for my tummy, a comfy bed, pilllows, furnaces, warm bath, sleep...Ok, tummy is grumbling and my head is zapping, gotta go.  Night! 

Day 78: Power (1.31.11)

~There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit.  In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit~ Nepoleon Bonaparte

As I watch the events unfolding in Egypt and reflect on some of the wars throughout history, it seems to me that power is more addictive than any drug or anything else in this world.  However, the human spirit is more powerful than any religion or government that attempts to bind the hearts and minds of its people.  Around the world, billions of people face persecution, torture and death for fundamental freedoms.  In many countries, I would be dead because I'm a Christian and some of my friends would be killed because they choose to be spiritual rather than religious or choose to not believe anything at all.

I don't believe the expression "to whom much is given, much is expected" only pertains to those with financial resources.  We all have been given the priceless gift of freedom in this country, so there is a responsibility to be a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves.  In June of 1989, when I was almost 13 years old, I saw a photo of a brave man standing in front of tanks in China.  I learned that students were protesting in a place called Tiananmen Square because they wanted to be free.  It was estimated that the Communist Party of China killed about 3000 unarmed students and other protesters.  The image of that man had a profound impact on me as a teenager and I've thought about him over the years especially as I watch others in the world fighting to be free.  No one knows what happened to that man.  He was likely executed for embarrassing the Chinese government.  His powerful spirit lives on though as Time Magazine named him the "Unknown Rebel" and included him in their top 100 list of the most important people of the 20th century.

In the 1st century, there was a man named Jesus who peacefully took on the Roman Empire and corrupt religious leadership.  When Jesus was 30 years old, he began his ministry.  He didn't create an army to persecute, torture and kill people in the name of God.  He also didn't try to control and force people into believing in his Father.  Instead, he expressed love for all people regardless of sex, race, ethnicity, sexuality, religious or political views.  He didn't want to socialize exclusively with celebrities and wealthy people of that time.  Instead, he preferred to be among poor people and other outcasts of society.  He had compassion for all people and he healed the sick.  Even though he was peaceful and innocent, he was still executed by the government when he was 33 years old by crucifixion.  However, his power endured and he conquered the sword through his resurrection. Christianity spread throughout Rome and later, around the world.

I believe Jesus is the perfect example of a leader who wasn't addicted to power.  During his time here, he taught, served and loved people.  He also allowed people the freedom of religion and speech.  All people deserve that right.  The human spirit possesses limitless possibilities and potential and will overcome any religion or government that does not honor and respect their people.  I pray for the billions of people without a voice.  Someday they will be free.