~Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before~ Edgar Allan Poe
I mentioned to my financial planner the other day that even though I've lost almost everything, I felt happier now. He sounded enthusiastic about my learnings because as he had told me before "money is just money" and doesn't make people happy. However, life's stresses still existed and I was entering the darkest period of my recovery. I started to feel very burdened and distraught by the realities of my upcoming divorce, potential bankruptcy and heavy workload. My feelings of high stress manifested in my eating and drinking again, but this time, my beverages of choice were lattes and coffee.
One of my counselors said to me at graduation on Thursday that "connections help you stay sober." It was a piece of advice that I'll remember forever as it seemed to be one of the only long-term "cures" for addiction. Most people had relapsed when they lost touch with their support network of friends, family, AA, etc. After group that night, I gave a gal a ride home who had lost her license. She was new to the group and we had a good chat about our journeys. She asked me about my experiences at River Ridge and I'm always happy to share that info. When I got back to my place, I got a call from another gal from group. She was checking herself into The House in a few days and wanted to know more about it and what to bring.
She had children and was heartbroken and scared to leave them. I tried to encourage her and tell her that treatment was the best thing for herself and her kids. She deserved to be healthy and her kids deserved to have a healthy mother. I told her to bring her own pillow and blanket to remind her of home. When I returned home from treatment, these items comfortingly reminded me of The House. I let her know she could also bring books because cable, internet and personal electronic items were not allowed. She said that petrified her because it was impossible for her to sleep without TV or radio noise. I could definitely relate because one of the worst places to be when you're struggling with life is surrounded by silence. In that space, negative voices, thoughts and memories are overwhelming and deafening. External noise and commotion drowned out internal dysfunction for me. As I dealt with all the broken pieces of my life though, I experienced more peace; inside and outside.
On Friday night, my personal trainer said that she liked being able to fit a lot of different exercises into a half an hour with me. In turn, I liked that it made the time go by fast. I usually start out happy at training and then pain interrupts, and I become less talkative. She laughs because she'll ask how I'm doing and I'll answer with one word; either good or tired. It's kind of a joke now. I feel irritated by the pain and I can't hold a conversation when I'm out of breath. I think that's why I prefer to workout alone.
After training, I headed to BFE which means it's more than 20 minutes outside of the city. Of course, I got lost and what should have been a half an hour trek ended up being about a hour and a half. I've been staying out of bars for the most part while in treatment, but since it was my friend's birthday, I wanted to be there. I hadn't slept very well the last couple days, so I was planning on a short night anyway. I said hi to my friends and caught up with another gal who I hadn't seen in a while. I'm not as self-conscious about ordering non-alcoholic drinks anymore. It used to be a huge concern for me. Also, it's amazing when you come out, then others come out, too, about their problems and experiences. That's been a really surprising and refreshing discovery during my journey. I'm constantly saying in my head "really, you?" Most people just don't look like they have any problems.
One of the benefits of being an alcoholic, is a way cheaper tab. I usually order decaf, mineral water or pop (aka soda, Coke, etc). I've been to some places where they even let me drink pop for free. One of the bars thought I was the designated driver, so it was a nice perk to drink for free. My check at happy hour could easily be around $40 in the old days. Now, it's closer to $5 and seemingly, $40 at the coffee shop as my new addiction is decaf, skim, hazelnut lattes. I spend a lot of time in coffee shops now, so it's almost impossible for me to quit coffee. I equate it to bars and drinking alcohol. If I choose to morph back into a barfly, then it would be almost impossible for me to quit drinking booze.
On Saturday, in addition to feeling stressed out about the stuff previously mentioned, I also started feeling sorry for myself. I didn't want to have disease or an addictive personality anymore. I wanted to be "normal." I ignored the advice of my counselor on connecting with people when these discouraging feelings emerged and I just felt like being alone. Also, when my life feels out of control, I try to control food. It's been a pattern since I was a teenager and it was creeping back into my life. My roommates were out of town that night and I went on a little eating binge. I had peas and bread and felt satisfied, but then couldn't stop. I proceeded to have chips and salsa, handfuls of chocolate chips and then made my own fruit and yogurt parfait with granola. I was stuffed and felt gross. I watched episodes of Oprah drinking all these fabulous beverages during her visit to Australia and I was jealous that I couldn't drink anymore on vacation or anywhere for the rest of my life.
I tried unsuccessfully multiple times to start a detox diet or cleanse in recent days. I figured with all my food now gone in the house, it would be a good time to try again. That night I ate myself into a food coma. I fell asleep at 7 pm and woke up at 3 am. I hoped that I hadn't gained any weight. I was feeling heavy and lethargic.
I mentioned to my financial planner the other day that even though I've lost almost everything, I felt happier now. He sounded enthusiastic about my learnings because as he had told me before "money is just money" and doesn't make people happy. However, life's stresses still existed and I was entering the darkest period of my recovery. I started to feel very burdened and distraught by the realities of my upcoming divorce, potential bankruptcy and heavy workload. My feelings of high stress manifested in my eating and drinking again, but this time, my beverages of choice were lattes and coffee.
One of my counselors said to me at graduation on Thursday that "connections help you stay sober." It was a piece of advice that I'll remember forever as it seemed to be one of the only long-term "cures" for addiction. Most people had relapsed when they lost touch with their support network of friends, family, AA, etc. After group that night, I gave a gal a ride home who had lost her license. She was new to the group and we had a good chat about our journeys. She asked me about my experiences at River Ridge and I'm always happy to share that info. When I got back to my place, I got a call from another gal from group. She was checking herself into The House in a few days and wanted to know more about it and what to bring.
She had children and was heartbroken and scared to leave them. I tried to encourage her and tell her that treatment was the best thing for herself and her kids. She deserved to be healthy and her kids deserved to have a healthy mother. I told her to bring her own pillow and blanket to remind her of home. When I returned home from treatment, these items comfortingly reminded me of The House. I let her know she could also bring books because cable, internet and personal electronic items were not allowed. She said that petrified her because it was impossible for her to sleep without TV or radio noise. I could definitely relate because one of the worst places to be when you're struggling with life is surrounded by silence. In that space, negative voices, thoughts and memories are overwhelming and deafening. External noise and commotion drowned out internal dysfunction for me. As I dealt with all the broken pieces of my life though, I experienced more peace; inside and outside.
On Friday night, my personal trainer said that she liked being able to fit a lot of different exercises into a half an hour with me. In turn, I liked that it made the time go by fast. I usually start out happy at training and then pain interrupts, and I become less talkative. She laughs because she'll ask how I'm doing and I'll answer with one word; either good or tired. It's kind of a joke now. I feel irritated by the pain and I can't hold a conversation when I'm out of breath. I think that's why I prefer to workout alone.
After training, I headed to BFE which means it's more than 20 minutes outside of the city. Of course, I got lost and what should have been a half an hour trek ended up being about a hour and a half. I've been staying out of bars for the most part while in treatment, but since it was my friend's birthday, I wanted to be there. I hadn't slept very well the last couple days, so I was planning on a short night anyway. I said hi to my friends and caught up with another gal who I hadn't seen in a while. I'm not as self-conscious about ordering non-alcoholic drinks anymore. It used to be a huge concern for me. Also, it's amazing when you come out, then others come out, too, about their problems and experiences. That's been a really surprising and refreshing discovery during my journey. I'm constantly saying in my head "really, you?" Most people just don't look like they have any problems.
One of the benefits of being an alcoholic, is a way cheaper tab. I usually order decaf, mineral water or pop (aka soda, Coke, etc). I've been to some places where they even let me drink pop for free. One of the bars thought I was the designated driver, so it was a nice perk to drink for free. My check at happy hour could easily be around $40 in the old days. Now, it's closer to $5 and seemingly, $40 at the coffee shop as my new addiction is decaf, skim, hazelnut lattes. I spend a lot of time in coffee shops now, so it's almost impossible for me to quit coffee. I equate it to bars and drinking alcohol. If I choose to morph back into a barfly, then it would be almost impossible for me to quit drinking booze.
On Saturday, in addition to feeling stressed out about the stuff previously mentioned, I also started feeling sorry for myself. I didn't want to have disease or an addictive personality anymore. I wanted to be "normal." I ignored the advice of my counselor on connecting with people when these discouraging feelings emerged and I just felt like being alone. Also, when my life feels out of control, I try to control food. It's been a pattern since I was a teenager and it was creeping back into my life. My roommates were out of town that night and I went on a little eating binge. I had peas and bread and felt satisfied, but then couldn't stop. I proceeded to have chips and salsa, handfuls of chocolate chips and then made my own fruit and yogurt parfait with granola. I was stuffed and felt gross. I watched episodes of Oprah drinking all these fabulous beverages during her visit to Australia and I was jealous that I couldn't drink anymore on vacation or anywhere for the rest of my life.
I tried unsuccessfully multiple times to start a detox diet or cleanse in recent days. I figured with all my food now gone in the house, it would be a good time to try again. That night I ate myself into a food coma. I fell asleep at 7 pm and woke up at 3 am. I hoped that I hadn't gained any weight. I was feeling heavy and lethargic.
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