Day 63: Unfamilied (1.16.11)

~There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.  Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.  It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity~ Carl Jung 

**Names have been changed**

I realized that my sister, who is a few years younger and lives with my parents, unfriended me on Facebook.  It hurts me.  We weren't close, but we had the same sense of humor and she is a sweet girl.  After my chat with my mother a couple weeks ago, I let her know that our parents and me were having issues and that I loved her.  She had told me that she would pray for me and that she loved me.  However, I'm guessing that my mother talked to her and then my sister decided to unfamily me, too.  I accept it even though it makes me sad.  I have one sister Anne who moved to Omaha due to her own personal issues with our family and am blessed that she wants to remain in my life.  I'm ashamed to say that I told Anne in 8th grade not to stop by my locker anymore to talk to me.  I was insecure, so anyone in my life was a reflection of me and I was embarrassed of her.  I finally apologized for that moment a few years ago because it bothered me that I was so cruel.  She graciously accepted and I love her dearly for not rejecting me now.  

On Sunday morning, I graduated from inpatient treatment or as us girls called it "The House."  Even though I left The House on November 24th, the staff had a policy in which I needed to graduate from the outpatient day program prior to graduating from The House.  After church, I drove over there to receive my amethyst which is said to protect one from drunkenness.  I read a couple letters that each woman is asked to write and present at graduation.  One letter is addressed to the woman's drug of choice and then the other letter is addressed to the ladies at The House.  Afterwards, I picked out my amethyst and then everyone held it while saying kind things.  My counselor Rachel said that I was a gifted writer and others said that I was articulate, creative, intelligent and sweet.  Now, I have their positivity encapsulated in my precious stone.   

Here are my letters.

Dear Alcohol and Drugs,
    Thank you for our time together and many lessons learned.  You helped me cope and survive painful memories and life events during the past 17 years.  However, I recognize now that our relationship is no longer healthy nor fulfilling.
    You saw me at my best and at my worst.  You were a constant companion during celebrations and moments of devastation and sorrow.  You accepted me as is; happy sad, afraid, lonely, depressed, etc, but now you are jeopardizing my sanity and threatening my life.  I'm very sad that our relationship became abusive.  I blame myself for my destructive behavior towards others and myself while under the influence of you.
     In my short time of sobriety.  I've experienced an intense spiritual awakening; a reconnection of my body, mind and spirit.  I feel an organic peace, love and joy at my core that I've never felt before.  I'm now choosing life, so I'm letting you go.  I've empowered myself to attain overwhelming happiness and fulfill impossible dreams.


Dear Beloved AWW (A Woman's Way) Sistas,
    I was anxious, depressed and suicidal prior to coming to inpatient treatment.  I felt hopeless, helpless, worthless, fat, ugly, stupid and that I didn't deserve to live.
    Through this program, I've gained a significant amount of knowledge regarding the science and biology of addiction.  I loved the Brain Chemistry, Nutrition, Trauma and CD (Chemical Dependency) lectures and groups.
    I've learned that recovery is an intense amount of work and I'll need to be dedicated and vigilant to maintain my sobriety.  I need to manage my stress levels and other aspects of my life in order to prevent relapse.  
    I've made huge changes to my thought processes.  I stopped abusing myself and am practicing daily affirmations.  I believe there is power in positivity, authenticity and love towards others and ourselves.  As a result, I have not had a panic attack since December 10th.  
    Although I'm sad and a little nervous about leaving AWW and entering the real world again, I have gained confidence and strength during my time here.  The staff and my sisters have changed my life and I'm eager and excited about moving on to the next phase of recovery and my life.  
    I'll be doing the night program at the Minnetonka location.  I'll also be continuing with EMDR treatments with Lauren (therapist) and will meet with other therapists and psychiatrists to meet my other needs.  I'll be attending AA meetings as well as join an eating disorder and sexual abuse support group.  I will also attend a therapeutic journaling group and continue to write on my blog.  My ultimate goal would be to dedicate my life to help other chemically dependent people as well as others in need.  
    Finally, my message to my sisters is to continue doing what you're doing.  Be strong, be loving, be you!

Day 62: Eating (1.15.11)

~Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity~ Voltaire 

We always start groups in treatment by checking in with our name, how we're feeling and then there's usually a random thoughtful question(s) on the white board that we need to answer about life and/or recovery.  On Mondays, we usually talk about what we did over the weekend to support our recovery.  Last Monday, I told the group how I had fun with friends after recovering from bronchitis.  I mentioned how we went to NE Social and that we waited for a table at the bar and then overnight, I had my first using dream post inpatient treatment.  The women were very concerned because most of them had relapsed once or multiple times while they were in using environments like bars and restaurants, parties, etc.  I'm early in recovery, so I'm fully aware that I'm somewhat naive and probably overconfident, but I feel like I'm okay being in a using environment with my friends.  I feel more accountable than if I were alone.  I've been very open with everyone about my chemical dependency, so I would feel ashamed and guilty if I started using in front of them.  They would be very disappointed and most likely would do everything possible to prevent me from using.

I have a passion for food.  I love to cook, bake and learn about food.  I don't have the classics sitting on my bookshelves.  I have a collection of recipe books.  One of my favorite things to do is try new restaurants and new foods.  If I'm supposed to stay away from using environments, the choices are very limited to fast food places, IHOP, Denny's, Perkins, etc.  I have absolutely nothing against those places.  However, now that I'm old, going to restaurants are like events for me.  It doesn't even have to be a very fancy place.  I'm engaged to the whole experience; the friends, conversations, laughter, ambiance, smells, sounds, decor, menu, flavors, staff, etc.  I love reading all the menu descriptions and hearing the server talk about the different options and specials.  I get a high from food and since treatment, I'm more conscious about what giving my body to eat.  I love talented chefs who are amazingly creative with their art.  A couple creative restaurants that come to mind are 112 Eatery in Minneapolis and New Scenic Cafe along Lake Superior in Duluth.  After a fully content belly, my geriatric self is ready to put on comfy clothes at home and either read, write, watch TV or a movie or sleep.  That's my new idea of excitement during a fun sober weekend night.

However, the counselors as well as the other women challenged me to avoid using environments especially during early recovery.  There's also an unwritten rule that we're supposed to stay away from those situations while in outpatient treatment.  I didn't feel attacked because I knew they cared about me and were concerned.  If I were to relapse, I feel that I would be more apt to do that alone.  I live near Uptown and work Downtown.  There are hundreds of bars, restaurants and liquor stores.  I live in one big using environment.  I don't need to go anywhere.  After a good half an hour on the subject, I said that I would avoid restaurants that server alcohol to appease them even though, I knew that I wasn't going to stop going and deprive myself of good food and being with my friends.  It's hard for me to let go of that lifestyle even if it's only temporary.  I guess my old habit of telling people what they want to hear and then doing what I want is hard to break.  I'm probably being cocky and hope these aren't my famous last words, but I feel like I'm strong enough not to relapse right now.  I don't feel like I'm better than anyone in recovery, but so far I've been to NE Social, Erte, Anchor Fish & Chips, The Bulldog, Trattoria da Vinci, Barrio Tequila Bar and other restaurants that serve.  I just ordered a Diet Coke, San Pellegrino, decaf coffee or other non-alcoholic beverages.  I didn't feel a need to drink and I still had fun.  

Day 61: Paradox (1.14.11)

~It is a paradox of life that the way to miss pleasure is to seek it first.  The very first condition of lasting happiness is that a life should be full of purpose, aiming at something outside self~ Hugo Black 

I graduated from the day program at River Ridge Treatment Center in Burnsville that morning and felt happy, but sad.  I cried a little in group about my dysfunctional family not being fully present for many moments in my life and stealing the joy away from accomplishments.  Usually, I attempt to be stoic and not allow anyone including them to think that it bothers me.  No one from my family offered congratulations or words of encouragement on my grad day, but that's not unusual and I won't allow them to abduct my happiness and peace anymore.  For many years, my friends have been my family and know me better than most of my family members.  My friends took me out to dinner, brought me flowers and helped make my graduation day special.  I've developed intimate connections with many friends because we choose to share who we are and love each other unconditionally.  It's a blessing for me to finally be able to establish healthy boundaries with people and choose positive relationships in my life.

I received a gold colored medallion with the Serenity Prayer engraved on it from the group and each of the 15 women said something positive about their hopes for me.  Some told me that they appreciated my excitement for life and recognized the beauty that I saw in everything.  Others said that they anticipated an exciting and amazing journey for me with many adventures awaiting and that I could soberly bring the glitz and glamour to parties in the future.  They also appreciated my positivity and lifting the morale of the group.  I was very grateful for their sweet sentiments.  I commented that each one of them was put in my life for a reason and I thanked them for changing my life especially the counseling staff.  I also finally gave myself credit for saving my own life; not Prince Charming.

All of the women received a handout called The Paradox of Addiction.

We used for happiness and became unhappy.

We used for joy and became miserable.

We used for sophistication and became obnoxious.

We used for friendship and made enemies.

We used for sleep and woke up without rest.

We used for strength and felt weak.

We used medicinally and acquired health problems.

We used to relax and got anxiety.

We used for bravery and became afraid.

We used to make conversation and slurred our speech.

We used to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.

We used to forget and were forever haunted.

We used for freedom and became slaves.

We used to erase problems and saw them multiply.

We used to cope with life and invited death.

Day 60: PAWS (1.13.11)

~Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.  Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.  Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.  Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.  Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.  The slogan "press on" has solved and will always solve the problems of the human race~ Calvin Coolidge 

I earned a 24 hour and 30 day medallion from AA while in inpatient treatment.  Now, I'll receive a 60 day one.  I guess there are nicer medallions that some groups hand out, but I attend one that hands out poker chips with a sticker attached with the number of days sober.  Luckily, I have not become a gambling addict, otherwise, this might be a little trigger.  There's a little medallion ceremony during the meeting and usually, someone that you know will say a few words and then present you with the medallion.  Sometimes the recipient will say something about how they accomplished the goal.  How did I do it?  Hmmm...determination, prayer and newly discovered self-respect.

I received information during treatment that depending on what you were addicted to, you can experience withdrawal symptoms for up to 10 years.  It's called Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS).  The following information was published by The Ohio State University Medical Center.  Obviously, recovery from alcohol and drug use causes many symptoms.  These occur as the body attempts to repair the brain and other organs.  Symptoms start 7 to 14 days after stopping alcohol and drug use.  They peak over the next 3 to 6 months.  If you want to have long-term recovery, you must learn how to manage these symptoms.

Some of the more common symptoms are:

• Not able to think clearly - May have trouble with problem solving and concentration.
• Memory problems - Forgetful and not able to remember recent things.  
• Emotions are over-active or numb - Emotions are out of proportion to the event.  May lose control and do something rash or impulsive.  May have emotions shut down and feel numb.  May have mood swings.
• Sleep problems - Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or waking early.  May have changes in sleep patterns.  May have dreams, often about using, that disrupt sleep.
• Coordination problems - Dizziness, trouble with balance, problems with hand and eye coordination, reflexes slow causing person to be clumsy and prone to accidents.

Symptoms may worsen during times of high stress and often occur at set times.  For alcohol dependence there seem to be cycles of symptoms.  The cycles happen around days 30, 60, 90, 120 and 180 and around the one and 2-year marks of sobriety.  Even with treatment, the body needs at least one year to return to normal physical functions.  Brain functions and emotions may take at least two years to return to normal.

Long-term users of opiate pain killers, stimulants like cocaine and amphetamines and benzodiazipines like Valium or Klonopin are on different cycles when they stop using.  They may have symptoms for up to 10 years.   

On day 60, I'm experiencing issues with concentration, emotional numbness, sleep problems and clumsiness.  On second thought, the clumsiness might just still be me.  I'm managing these issues by listening to my body and not fighting feelings of guilt, pain and sadness.  I've been napping more than usual.  I think I'm still mourning the loss of some of my family members. 

Day 59: Ms Fix It (1.12.11)

~However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside~ Deepak Chopra

**Names have been changed**

One way that I denied my own problems all these years was to marry someone that I subconsciously thought was worse off than me.  In retrospect, my future ex-husband, whom I'll refer to as Richard, was a mirror reflecting everything that I hated about myself.  He was admittedly selfish, insecure, judgmental, narrow-minded, etc.  However, I was Ms Fix It who arrogantly thought I could swoop in and be the hero by making Richard the man of my dreams and in exchange, he needed to fulfill me and give me happily every after.  Of course, these are impossible expectations for anyone and led to a marriage made in hell. 

I knew we shouldn't date, but I couldn't be alone.  I knew we shouldn't get engaged, but I had my own timetable.  I knew we shouldn't get married, but I didn't have the balls to runaway.  Richard used to provoke me by saying that him and his friends thought that I was co-dependent.  I didn't really know what that meant at the time, but how he said it annoyed and offended me.  Well, I learned more about co-dependency during treatment and him and his friends were actually right.  I have been a co-dependent person most of my life with family, friends and relationships with men.  After that realization, I felt better about my decision to finally break free from a terribly abusive and addictive 9-year relationship with Richard.  

I was introduced to Cinderella when I was about 5 years old.  I still love her, but she's got some co-dependency issues if she expects Prince Charming to save all aspects of her life.  Upon discovering that Prince Charming is only human, Cinderella probably developed a shopping addiction like me and purchased hundreds of glass slippers in all different colors, thousands of ball gowns and redecorated their castle a million different ways to try and fill the void in her heart.  If I had grown up in a healthy environment, I might have learned how to find happiness from within my soul, but since my spirit was broken, one of the consequences included developing unhealthy relationships with men.  I never set boundaries and allowed guys to take advantage of me and in return, I received the artificial feelings of love, protection and affection that I craved.  I still fight the urge to find a guy to take care of me especially now since most of my family has disowned me.  However, I'm working hard at making myself whole and as a result, I'm experiencing a new found excitement for my future and the adventures that will follow. 

According to Celebrate Recovery, which is a Chirst-Centered support group for people struggling with pain, shame and addictions, co-dependency is:

• My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
• Your struggle affects my serenity.  My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
• My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
• My own hobbies and interests are put aside.  My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
• Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• I am not aware of how I feel.  I am aware of how you feel.
• I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.  I am not aware - I assume.
• The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
• My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
• My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
• I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
• I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
• I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
• The quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.

Celebrate Recovery goes on to talk about co-dependency and Christian living.  They say that on the surface, co-dependency messages sound like Christian teaching:

• "Co-dependents always put others first before taking care of themselves." (Aren't Christians to put others first?)
• "Co-dependents give themselves away." (Shouldn't Christians do the same?)
• "Co-dependents martyr themselves." (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

Some women wear co-dependency as a badge of honor.  However, we need to distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith which is healthy.  Codependency says:

• I have little or no value.
• Other persons and situations have all the value.
• I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
• I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.
• I must give myself away.
• If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.

I know a lot of women who give to everyone else and neglect themselves.  I think it's difficult to find happiness and fulfillment internally when you lose touch with your soul.  I believe that I cannot fully take care of someone else until I do the work first and address all of my own problems.  A big motivator for me to get well is to be able to help other people with similar issues in the future.  Celebrate Recovery talks about how Jesus taught the value of the individual.  He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than.  A love of self forms the basis for loving others.  The differences between a life of service and codependency takes several forms.  For example, the motivation differs.  Does the individual give his service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value?  Does he seek to "please people?"  Does he act out of guilt or fear?  Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals).

• Service is to be an active choice.  The person acts; codependents react.
• Codependent behavior is addictive rather than balanced.  Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.

Sometimes enabling feels like love, but in actuality, you're preventing the person from growing and improving themselves.  A person seeks change when the consequences outweigh the comforts of their addiction.  Richard remains in a state of denial regarding his addictions to alcohol and gambling because throughout his life, people have enabled him including myself.  Celebrate Recovery defines enabling as reacting to a person in such a way to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior.  Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.  Enabling is:

• Protection from natural consequences of behavior.
• Keeping secrets about behavior from others in order to keep peace.
• Making excuses for the behavior.  (School, friends, legal authorities, work, other family members)
• Bailing out of trouble.  (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs)
• Blaming others for dependent person's behavior.  (Friends, teachers, employers, family, self)
• Seeing the problem as the result of something else.  (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home)
• Avoiding the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace.  (Out-of-sight, out-of-mind)
• Giving money that is undeserved/Unearned.
• Attempting to control.  (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs)
• Making threats that have no follow-through or consistency.
• Taking care of the chemically dependent person.  Doing what he/she should be expected to do for themselves)

There are many similarities in chemical dependence and co-dependence symptoms.   I was addicted to Richard as he was addicted to alcohol and gambling during our marriage.  I began to end my co-dependency with Richard when I moved out of the house a couple years ago.  I no longer had someone to care for, fix and mother which left me having to face all of my own demons.  I learned that this is quite common for co-dependents to become addicted once their relationship ends.  From River Ridge Treatment Center, here is a list of chemical dependence and co-dependence symptoms.  Some of the chemical dependence symptoms could apply to other addictions as well.

Stage 1 Chemical Dependence Symptoms

• Increased tolerance for chemical
• Blackouts and/or repression of memory
• Preoccupied with using
• Avoids references to using
• Loses control
• Drug of choice becomes the center of his or her life
• Refuses to look at using as a problem (denial)
• Rationalizes or provides alibis for using
• Feels remorseful or guilty
• Tries controlled use    

Stage 1 Co-Dependence Symptoms

• Increased tolerance for user's behavior.
• Confusion, withdrawal, lack of attention, memory blanks
• Preoccupation or obsession with user's behavior
• Avoids references to using behavior or their feelings about it
• Loses control over self, spirituality, sense of self
• Tries to control the user and/or his or her access to their drug of choice
• Chemically dependent person becomes the center of the co-dependent's life
• Denies that using is a problem
• Thinks that they or others or  situations are the problem (anyone or anything but the chemically dependent person and their use)
• Rationalizes and provides alibis for chemically dependent person or takes over his or her life
• Feels guilty
• Feels sorry for the chemically dependent person
• Feels anger or disappointment
• Hangs on to false hope that the chemically dependent person will somehow change

 Stage 2 Chemical Dependent Symptoms

• Changes pattern of using
• Seeks help
• Is resentful and angry because others disapprove of use
• Displays grandiose or aggressive behavior
• Loses respect for self
• Loses interest in life, family, and/or work
• Is unable to demonstrate warmth
• Avoids family and friends
• Loses ordinary willpower
• Displays poor judgment

Stage 2 Co-Dependent Symptoms

• Changes pattern of thinking, acting and felling
• Tries many things to make the user behave
• Joins the user in his or her behavior
• Seeks help (at this stage, usually if the user is the co-dependent's child)
• Holds on to false hope
• Resentful because feelings depend on others
• If the user isn't happy, the co-dependent isn't happy
• Experiences euphoria or guilt, depending upon user's behavior
• Feels responsible for user's attitude
• Loses respect for both the user and him or herself
• Feels a shift in the relationship with the user
• Quarrels with the user
• Loses concentration
• Adopts an anti-drug attitude
• Revels in martyrdom
• Avoids friends
• Loses ability to concentrate
• Lacks trust 
• Indecisive

Stage 3 Chemical Dependence Symptoms

• Physical deterioration
• Health problems
• Malnutrition
• Unreasonable jealousy
• Paranoia
• Decrease in tolerance to drug of choice
• Uses to feel "normal"
• Onset of lengthy periods of intoxication (benders)
• Uses with "inferiors"
• Deteriorates morally
• Is unable to initiate action
• Has indefinable fears and vague spiritual desires
• Exhausts all alibis
• Feels complete defeat
• Gets help for chemical dependency or gives up
• Insanity, death or recovery

Step 3 Co-Dependence Symptoms

• Physical and/or mental deterioration
• Increased or discontinued use
• Separation from user
• Intimate problems
• Withdrawal
• Fear of abusive behavior
• Decrease in tolerance to user's behavior
• Hopelessness
• Decrease in awareness of own feelings
• Defenses reinforced
• Acts punitively and/or vindictively
• Abuses self
• Feels self-pity, remorse, shame, defensiveness
• Dominates
• Gets help for user's physical problems
• Isolates
• Feels complete defeat
• Indulges in self-absorptive activities
• Gets help or gives up
• Insanity, death or recovery

You teach people how to treat you.  It's an important life lesson that I learned in treatment.  I was a co-dependent person who taught Richard and others how to take advantage of me.  All my energy and efforts were about him.  At the beginning of our relationship, I gave up all my time with friends to spend with Richard and his friends.  I mistakenly felt that he was loving and protecting me by being controlling and jealous.  I felt that I deserved to be mistreated and blamed myself when Richard was verbally and physically abusive.  In return, I could be in denial of my own addictions and problems while I focused all my attention on him.  The most loving thing I did for Richard and myself was to file for divorce.  We can let each other go in peace to find true love within ourselves and then share that love with others.